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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Happy Singleton - All welcome!

997 replies

SirChing · 07/01/2020 23:25

Hello, following a thread where I discussed how happy and excited I was to have consciously decided to be single for 2020, it seems there are loads of us out there: People who are single through choice and happy about it.

Some plan on being single forever, some for a shorter time, but none of us are dating or want to date at the moment. We are too busy focusing on the important things in life: us!

This is a thread for anyone who wants to join it, to support and encourage each other, to discuss what we have or hope to learn by being single, and to discuss random practical stuff, like which companies don't charge single supplements for holidays.

Come on in and pull up a chair if you fancy a chat.

Happy 2020 all Wine

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Zaphodsotherhead · 19/01/2020 08:58

It's my eldest's 31 birthday today. I am going over to take him out for lunch (we have a slightly strained relationship but get on all right on a day to day basis). He's desperate for my approval, and I can see it in him and it breaks my heart. Our relationship is improving though, and I'm sure we will have a nice day!

Happy Sunday everyone!

SirChing · 19/01/2020 09:02

Have a lovely day with your son Zaphod. And a great morning Intelligent.

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ExohExohGossipgirl · 19/01/2020 10:11

Thoroughly enjoyed my two bottles of beer when kids were gone yesterday. Stsrted a new book, chilld out on the couch then we ate pizza and popcorn with a movie when they came home. Im still in bed chilling with a child either side, a dog either end and s nice coffee on the go. Heading out to family for the day then home to prep for the week ahead, potentially with wine Smile

Interestedwoman · 19/01/2020 14:59

Hi, how's everyone's day going?

@SirChing I've had good and bad consultants over the years for my bipolar etc, for a year some were an absolute nightmare. I decided to go private for various reasons, to sort various stuff out- an utter mare consultant had claimed I had Borderline- I'd gradually accepted that and wanted a full diagnosis of it to put on forms. :) It is affordable if you prioritise it- for a while I didn't spend much money on anything else, but was happy with that- same goes for therapy. I'm not earning, I spent my PIP each month on it.

Anyway, the private consultant (who also turned out to be awful in some ways unfortunately, but I like to think that's quite rare if you're paying for it) suggested I don't have Borderline, I have ADHD and autism/autistic features. I'd never have thought of it as I did well at uni, although I found it hard and dropped in and out of college and uni a few times, and I'm an extrovert, although I get social anxiety.

Eventually I ended up back in the NHS for various reasons. I'd changed teams (PALS said the team I was previously under were notoriously awful and I should change.) Current team are excellent.

Because I already had a diagnosis privately, when I eventually saw an ADHD nurse, they said they'd fast track me onto meds etc. Then this nurse was off sick and I was genuinely forgotten about! I got back in touch with them to see what was happening, and saw a consultant who said I had ADHD with autistic features. I don't have full autism, as although I have poor ability to get on with people socially, I don't have the rigidity of habits or whatever as someone with full ASD.

I'm waiting for an appointment to start on the meds. Tried the meds under the private consultant and didn't see much change, but the NHS nurse said they give you some tips as to how to organize stuff etc. She said unless you have these additional tips to work on, the meds just make you have ADHD but with more concentration.

You asked whether having an ASD diagnosis helped with access to services. The answer is not really for adults, because there are few/none. Unfortunately, intervention for social skills etc is mainly only proven effective for children. They do have some programmes where I live (Birmingham) for people who are severely effected I think- I mean for instance if the person needs a 20-hour or more care package a week.

I wanted social skills training, but couldn't find a course which wasn't mainly focussed on businesses etc, fairly irrelevant.

So my theory is to do a counselling course. The reason being that then I might learn better how to listen, what to say if people are in distress etc, not to say the wrong thing so much (though that one seems unlikely lol.) It's just a theory of mine so I don't know if it'll work, but think it can't really hurt. I start tomorrow night- am pretty terrified- wish me luck! Maybe you could have a go too, if you haven't done a counselling course already (do you work in Mental Health?) I know that my friend who's a therapist says he knows some therapists who are autistic, or have worse social skills that me lol. But anyway, feel free to sign up for some sort of counselling course (maybe September now if it's one run at a college) to help test my theory! The one I'm doing is the Level 2 certificate in Counselling Skills, among others. Courses (mainly mental health related) are what I plan to spend money on this year, though luckily I didn't have to pay for the counselling one as I'm on a means-tested benefit.

So yes- I suggest getting a private diagnosis first as I think that's probably easier, and then the NHS takes your concerns more seriously. You could find a consultant who specialises in ASD.

Another thing you could try is joining a support group or forum for people with ASD, so you can share experiences, learn hints and tips, and meet like minded people. I haven't done that much yet.

Also, having a child with ASD might mean the NHS take your concerns about yourself more seriously anyway.

Hope this long winded spiel helps a little :) Best wishes. xxxxx

Accidentalaccountant · 19/01/2020 18:58

Well continued with kill or cure. 12 miles and a pub lunch with the dog. We are both still alive. Now in my pjs and planning to do sweet f all rest of the evening.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/01/2020 18:59

Myself and 3 other single friends have just booked a table for dinner and cocktails on Valentine's Day. Celebrating singledom Wine

IndieTara · 19/01/2020 19:22

Liking that @waxonwaxoff

Zofloramummy · 19/01/2020 21:19

Another happy single here! I spent most of my 20’s and 30’s chasing my happy ever after. I’ve had 4 long term relationship and every single one was crap in the end 😂.

I’m now 44, a single mum, and I have no plans whatsoever to share my life with a man. I’m tired of compromising, of being a whipping post and a mother. I’ve been single 2 years in March and I am content, mentally stable (had severe depression in the past linked to crap relationship), and enjoying my quiet life. I still get colleagues saying “it’s isn’t too late” but then often start moaning about their partners. I just don’t want the drama!

I’ve joined the fb group too. I have cats, read books, love knitting and sewing and happily tell people I’m a crazy old cat lady Grin

Zofloramummy · 19/01/2020 21:20

Tired of being a mother to a man that should read, not tired of being a mother to my actual child! She is lovely, they well.. weren’t.

Zofloramummy · 19/01/2020 21:23

It’s lovely to read this thread and hear from so many women in the same position. I often read the relationship board and I am grateful I am no longer in the position that my mental, financial, emotional and physical well being is beholden to another adult. I am responsible for my own happy ever after.

mildlymiffed · 19/01/2020 21:42

Well said @Zofloramummy ! I'm ready for my happy ever after to start. I'm wiped today... after more house unpacking it's beginning to take shape.

Boy wonder is with his dad. I'm knackered and just watched deadfell whatever it's called... and d'you know what?! If there was a bloke here right now I'd throttle him. I'm so tired but I'd be making sure they're okay etc. , and I'd resent him for it. Fuck that. Right about now I'm going to get my jimjams on and starfish in my bed. Having said that I've had a fab couple of male friends assist in the move, but they've gone home... and no one is limpeting off me tonight.

Knobhead is still hounding me. I'm going to trek to his on Wednesday evening after work (an hour each day). Get my stuff and after that he can do one. And I never plan on speaking to him ever again.

ExohExohGossipgirl · 19/01/2020 21:44

@Waxonwaxoff0 I have booked myself and the kids a visit to the UK to my best friend who is also single so we can spend valentines weekend with her and her kids too! Spend it with who you love they say - so we are !!

BuddhaAtSea · 19/01/2020 22:35

Well, my weekend unfolded as follows:
Friday night I had a wobble, felt out of sorts and lonely. So I took myself to John Lewis for a spot of shopping for stuff I need. Met a random lady and had a bit of a chat about headspace and just how nice it is to just be able to get in the car and go to the shops when everybody else is busy dishing out dinners and what have you.
Saturday I did park run, then met friends for lunch and a walk, came home for a coffee and cake, had a nap, spent the evening in my pyjamas watching Bordertown.
Sunday I went for a sauna and jacuzzi and a chat with a friend. Oh, before that I had a swim.
Then took the dog for a long walk in the sun, DD came home and we cooked together, washed the stinky mop (the dog). I arranged to see some friends for the next few weekends and now it’s pyjamas and book time :)
Peaceful :)

Emmerdaledramaqueen · 19/01/2020 22:50

Mind if I join a little late!
4 months out of a 30 year marriage and loving my own company with dd, if a little sad at times.
Changing this house from "ours" to "mine" and loving it even if a little worried I will wake up a year from now and realise I have painted everything glittery!!!

mildlymiffed · 19/01/2020 22:53

@BuddhaAtSea your weekend sounds lovely! I know what you mean about evening blues. I have done similar- but the best around here is our 24hr Tesco- but wandering around looking at towels and homeware manages to fill an hour and remind me that the world carries on turning!

I'm back on couch to 5k, so hoping parkrun and I will also be reunited soon! I got out of shape when I was last in a relationship and it's not good for the soul.... I'm trying hard to get my mojo for exercise back. Lugging boxes up stairs has certainly reminded my calves that they should move more often!

Tomorrow is Monday- can't believe the week end flew by as quickly as it did. Hope it's a good week for all SmileBrew

ThelmaAndLouise2020 · 20/01/2020 04:27

@BuddhaAtSea ahh what a wonderful weekend! You are living the dream! I love the fact that you took yourself out to a John Lewis when you had a wobble on Friday...I wouldn't have thought to do that. Top tip Smile

My DS will be with his dad for one night this coming weekend, I'm planning to do many of the things you've done this weekend. Instead of moping about missing DS I intend to make the most of my free time.

SirChing · 20/01/2020 08:50

@Interestedwoman Thank you so much for providing all the info. It's really helpful. I was a Mental Health Nurse so did counselling training as part of that - CBT and other stuff. It could be quite helpful I think. I don't struggle too much with social stuff although I do find it draining. I am far better with a few people than in a big group.

Its mainly my concentration which I struggle with and organisation etc. I shall definitely think about going private.

A psychiatrist I used to work with I really rate, but sadly he retired, otherwise I would have phoned and picked his brain. The others were too busy playing golf to be much use!

Thanks so much for all that. And you DO look younger than 38 Grin

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SirChing · 20/01/2020 08:55

Well said Zoflora! I totally don't blame you for your stance!

@mildlymiffed once you have got all your stuff and checked that nothing is missing, you could always send the "I do not wish to ever hear from you again. Any further contact will be viewed as harassment and will be reported to the police" text, and then block the pillock. Would that keep him away?

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SirChing · 20/01/2020 09:05

@ExohExohGossipgirl and @Waxonwaxoff0 your Valentine's day plans sound great! I think I she'll buy myself some flowers and a new book, and have a takeaway! Because I can! Grin

@BuddhaAtSea Sounds like a fabulous weekend!

@Emmerdaledramaqueen Welcome Wine Feel free to join us on Facebook too. It's The Happy Singleton. I can add you if you like?

Even if your house looks like a glitterball in a years time, who cares? It's yours and if you love it, that's all that matters. If you don't love it, then you can repaint it, simply because you can. Its all your choice now. Luxuriate in the freedom from your ex!

@ThelmaAndLouise2020 - definitely make the most of your time. I like to plan stuff that I can't do when DD is here. Like rest! And see stuff at the cinema etc. That little break from parenting can end up feeling wonderful if you really make the most of it.

Hope everyone has a great week planned and that all the house purchases/moves are coming along ok?

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Zaphodsotherhead · 20/01/2020 10:27

Maybe we should arrange for all those of us at a loose end on Valentine's Day evening to have a virtual party on the Facebook page! I will probably be working (serving all those blokes who've had 364 days warning, but come dashing in ten minutes before the shop closes on 14th Feb looking for Valentine's cards and flowers - that we've sold out of some hours earlier) but we could all raise a virtual glass of our favourite tipple to one another!

petal68 · 20/01/2020 10:48

Hi all been reading the thread over the last couple of days and would like to join you all. Finished a long term relationship last June as things just weren't right but still kept in touch until a couple of weeks ago. He has moved on but I am still struggling and I need to learn to be happy on my own. Feeling lonely at times and a chronic illness isn't helping my mood but I feel like I need to be happy on my own. The thought of dating makes me feel exhausted! Looking forward to seeing how everyone is getting on and a virtual valentines night party would be great!

Interestedwoman · 20/01/2020 10:59

'And you DO look younger than 38'

@SirChing I think that was someone else lol, I would never ask that Grin Grin Grin as I know I probably look older than 43- too much hard living. Grin

I made a thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800172-Is-it-ok-for-a-lover-to-ask-repeatedly-for-sex-acts-he-knows-you-dont-want? I would love it if you were to chip in in the thread and give me your opinions. :)

SirChing · 20/01/2020 11:48

@Zaphodsotherhead Brilliant idea!

@petal68 Hi! Welcome! Sounds like you have had a pretty shitty time Flowers Stick around and feel free to join the FB thread too. All welcome.

@Interestedwoman - I saw that thread title, thought "No, he is a twat" but didn't open it. I shall.have a look now xx

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mildlymiffed · 20/01/2020 17:46

Evening everyone. Count me in for the love in!

Having a shitty day today. Feel very, well, alone. Had a lovely weekend seeing various friends. But a crap day at work, and I just want someone to hug. God I sound like a wet fish... I'm usually the strong self-sufficient one. Just picking boy wonder up from after school now. Going to give him a mega squeeze. Gah. Please tell me to woman up!

Zofloramummy · 20/01/2020 18:18

@mildlymiffed It would be lovely to hug another adult and share the load occasionally but the flip side is the amount of input you have to provide to them. In all of my relationships I carried the emotional and mental load. They would listen (for 2 minutes) and then be asking what’s for tea!!

For every time there is a feeling like that there will be many more that completely make up for it, a lie in, all day in your pj’s scoffing chocolate and binging Netflix, no undies to pick up, no in-laws to remember birthdays etc. No compromises.

Have a virtual hug from me and a Wine Flowers