Found texts

[usernametaken2675]

Name changed for this as possibly outing.

So I've found WhatsApp messages on my husbands phone to a female friend.

We have been on the rocks for a while and no longer wear wedding rings.

Friend has known us 10 years and is 15 years younger than 'D'H.

Messages are everyday going back over a year. Many messages a day.

I know they are closer than other people in our friendship group ie interests and hobbies etc.

Messages are everyday subjects to more in-depth conversations.

No mention of I love yous or the like.

Good morning/night messages everyday.

Messages of just 'Xs'

Every message ended with Xxx

Some inappropriate messages about the woman's boobs and his name for them

Other inappropriate and ambiguous statements.

Compliments from both sides.

Bitching about me and her OH.

One even said don't message yet she has my phone.

Arranging to meet for coffees and lunch.

Ridiculous nicknames for each other.

Very unlikely it's got physical.

Is this an affair?? Close friends? And should I call him out?
There are children on both sides so don't want to rock the boat.

I can guarantee that he thinks it’s ‘a bit of fun/ego boost’ — however his comments show he knows he’s very much in the wrong. The thing is these things often start as just adding a bit of a ‘frisson’ to life which for most of us in partnerships can get a bit Groundhog Day, the problem is it’s easy to get caught up in it, it gets out of hand and if your partner finds out they will rarely ever feel the same about you, even if you don’t split. People who say that they can’t possibly live their partners, I don’t think that’s always the case, their is often a situation of wanting the wife/partner but wanting a bit more ‘ romantic interest’ on top of that. Sadly it rarely works unless it works both ways and it’s an openly kniwn situation that is agreed to .

Should say ‘possibly ‘love’ their partners

And it’s often the case they say negative shit about partner that they don’t really mean because it makes them seem ‘validated’ in going outside. If they said, ‘my wife’s great, we get on great’ etc, it then just makes them sound a shitty person in the other woman’s eyes.

Keep going down your path of empowerment, OP. I admire your determination to see this through.

As @OoohTheStatsDontLie and many others have pointed out, they can minimize until they’re blue in the face, but these are not the behaviors of ‘just friends.’ It is more than obvious that OW is his primary emotional relationship and this is an affair.

Regarding her DH, he will need to see the messages to get the full picture and make an informed decision like you have. OW and your H will undoubtedly minimize and put their spin on it, so you can provide him with the facts in black and white. If this were my situation, I would meet with him and show him the messages shortly before I confronted, and would ask him to sit on it until I gave him the signal that I had spoken to H.

Getting legal advice is a great start.
I agree with telling OW DH so he can make up his own mind.
Not too sure about the timing of that though.
Stay strong on your weekend away

Not read the whole thread sorry but been in in similar situation if you are financially ok get out he has crossed boundaries. I confronted my dh over far to many text the ow sent him personally pictures of her dolled up fishing for compliments this was via text despite her posting then on Facebook of which they were friends no issues with them being friends his reaction was to switch to WhatsApp so the level of contact couldn’t be traced she would only contact him when in work he starts at midnight? Please don’t be me and put up with this head fuck for 4 years I don’t want to derail your thread but he has crossed the boundaries

I would contact her H, ask to meet up, then calmly show him the messages. You have both been wronged and if he sees the messages, your not telling him anything he can come to his own conclusion but at least he will know what you know and it gives him the option on what to do. If they are in his eyes just friends and the messages harmless that is his choice to believe.

I would then speak to your H and tell him you have seen the messages and ask him to leave.

Alternatively you could arrange for a meet up with both couples and bring out the messages and show all and say, so what are these about then? That would be a more dramatic but possibly more satisfying way, but in my mind the H should have the information before you confront the other 2.

Best of luck Op, I feel for you in this, it cant be easy to read the things they have said about you on a daily basis.

Re "asking" him to move out... This is a crucial point for not wavering.

"You have 24 hours to remove your possessions from my house"
Why?
Ask name/OW
& I would add, Oh & btw, her husband knows too
Exit

Grey Rock

The disrespect and deceit would be it for me. Anything that has to be hidden is deceit.

If he knew they were innocent he'd have no problem with her dh finding out.

Seeing a solicitor first up is a must then if pack him a bag, show him copies of his messages and ask him if he thinks it's ok to carry on like this? If he replies he's done nothing wrong I'd tell him that her dh has copies of them too, so if he's saying nothings wrong then you're sure the ow dh will be fine with them. Hand him his bag and tell him to leave

Hey. Just wondered how it's going & if you confronted him? Hope you're well 🙂

@usernametaken2675

How are you ?