Found texts

[usernametaken2675]

Name changed for this as possibly outing.

So I've found WhatsApp messages on my husbands phone to a female friend.

We have been on the rocks for a while and no longer wear wedding rings.

Friend has known us 10 years and is 15 years younger than 'D'H.

Messages are everyday going back over a year. Many messages a day.

I know they are closer than other people in our friendship group ie interests and hobbies etc.

Messages are everyday subjects to more in-depth conversations.

No mention of I love yous or the like.

Good morning/night messages everyday.

Messages of just 'Xs'

Every message ended with Xxx

Some inappropriate messages about the woman's boobs and his name for them

Other inappropriate and ambiguous statements.

Compliments from both sides.

Bitching about me and her OH.

One even said don't message yet she has my phone.

Arranging to meet for coffees and lunch.

Ridiculous nicknames for each other.

Very unlikely it's got physical.

Is this an affair?? Close friends? And should I call him out?
There are children on both sides so don't want to rock the boat.

It's utterly selfish and disgusting that he's talking about her boobs and bitching about you and the OH. It's absolutely unacceptable.

And you know what, do rock the boat. Rock the boat hard and show your children what mum is made of. You deserve so much better. Also get financials in place.

This is horrible for you @usernametaken2675 - you sound very laid back about it all but maybe you're feeling overwhelmed? I would not care how 'moral' people think they are or actually what people think of them. They way they - and your partner in particular - had behaved is appalling and I would need to end the relationship now. Calling her boobs names is, at the very least, flirty and intimate - he's also been very disrespectful towards you in forcing a meeting up, moaning about you, etc. I would have to end things. You don't have to worry what other people think, he's been a prick - you're allowed to end your relationship when you like! Your children will be fine - I believe it's how you handle the split that affects them. Be kind to yourself. Good luck to you - I hope you find the courage because he sounds like an absolute arse and so does she.

@CharlotteMD I agree she should call him out on it BUUUUUT before she does this she needs to process her feelings first? So, right now what she is doing is keeping herself safe (in sense) incase he turns nasty and tells her shes lying. He's had long enough to prepare himself to leave and start up another relationship (whether that is serious or not) but to her, this is new, as far as she was aware, they were both doing work together!

He's jumped the train and fucked off without her. Now she needs to plan what happens next NOT give him the chance to back his shit up. Her children also need to be protected from what many happen.

He's a twat!!

I would print off all the messages, and then stand in front of him, reading them out one by one...... And watch the look on his face when he knows you have cold hard evidence and he can't throw it back at you.

Pack his bag and tell him where to go.... This is no way to live your life.

What a Grade A twat he is!!

How are you going?

you aren’t going to hold this in much longer OP or you will explode, personally I would contact her and say you will be speaking to your H shortly and will also will be contacting her H in the next day or so, this isn’t going to work out, I think you know it sadly, you may as well have some sadistic fun , but then I would be so pissed off, that’s how I would feel .

Get copies of all financials (including mortgages & pensions), take passports, birth & marriage certs and see a solicitor before you confront anyone. Know where you stand legally before you go shooting from the hip! (Transfer half of any joint accounts exactly 30 secs to your own account just prior to confronting anyone). Get all this info and hide hard copies somewhere safe, off property.

You might be working in the marriage - he isn't, he's working on an escape plan

I don't understand how they could be friends for nearly 10 years and then this all of a sudden

The only way I can think of as to why this has come about is that they slept together beforehand and the emotional attachment brought about by a new level of intimacy followed later.

Odd comments on Christmas Eve - are you able to elaborate OP?

Hello all.
Sorry for not being around.

@Closetbeanmuncher just little comments related to their conversations which now make sense having read them. As in nicknames etc. It could be seen as nothing but having read them it makes sense.

They didn't know her before then. We moved to the same village. And became friends. There was no other history.

I think I'm now just angry to be honest.

Even though I know what's going to happen and what I need to do I still want to know what he is doing.

They are still messaging all the time. The same old same old. But now I'm just angry.

I won't put examples up as they are outing and frankly disgusting. But I'm being made to look awful.

Kick him out today. You have enough evidence. You are in a strong position. He is a lying, cheating twat. The pair of them bitching about you is just awful. Show him his arse and show her husband the messages. He doesn't give a shit about you.

Today is the first day of your happy life that you control.

Really rooting for you and wishing you the best

You are being disrepected and it appears to be an emotional affair which is building up to a physical one with no regard for you. This woman thinks you are stupid and so does he doing this behind your back, let them both know you're not, be done with them you deserve better xx

Fully agree with the PPs. Out these 2 losers, they deserve to shamed.
This is certainly an emotional affair which will end up a physical one if it hasn't already done so.
It is not normal for a man and woman who are both married to other people to be texting each other all day every day and saying these inappropriate things.
They are a pair of snakes and i'm not sure if you have the husband's number, but I would set the 4 of you up in a whatsapp group and send out their conversation that you have videoed or taken screenshots of.

I hope you will go on to be happier and free of this awful situation.

But it's entirely up to you how you handle it. I personally hope you get rid of these losers. You have been dignified, I would have probably gone OTT and sent screenshots to everyone I know.
I hope that the situation is put to an end however you handle it.

Luckily I am in a good financial position and the house is in my name so I have no concerns there.

I admit I had no idea what emotional affairs really were. And genuinely thought they were just friends.
I know they will use the whole men/women can be friends trope.
As far as I know nothing physical has happened and cannot think of when it could of happened at all.
The messages don't sounds like anything has happened or was going to. It's been since 2018 so I doubt it will but let them get on with it.

I haven't decided if/how/when to tell her DH. Although once I confront him it's likely that most people including him will find out quite quickly.
Except my H and her will probably try to explain it away etc.
I have screenshots etc so at least I have proof.

Explaining bad mouthing you should be interesting. It shows total lack of respect for your partnership. If it is harmless why is he denigrating you?

I think you need legal advice before you act because I believe that it doesn't matter whose name the house is in. There are people on here with better knowledge who might be able to give you advice. Take good care of yourself

I bet it won’t be as exciting for them once they are rumbled op. They deserve eachother the nasty pair of twats.

You sound lovely. I’m so pleased that the house is in your name. You are the puppet master here. Ok sorry this is happening to you.

Should say “I’m” not ok.

@obladeoblado is correct, if you are married, the house will likely be an asset of the marriage and will go in the pot along with all other assets and debts. Courts will look to both parties being able to house themselves and the dcs equally so unless you are in a position to buy him out, do not assume that you will keep the house.

Legal advice would be a very good idea whilst he is still in the dark about you knowing.

Good luck op

House is private rental with just my name on tenancy so wouldn't be counted. But thank you though.
Trying to arrange an appointment with a family solicitor as soon as possible.

@Daftapath yes I am definitely planning legal advice as my next move.

@Mix56 he would explain it away. He used to talk about me to his family but has apparently moved on to telling her.

@Zoflorabore he has told her that if anyone found these messages he would be finished. Whatever that means.

We are meant to be going away next weekend with the kids so we shall see.

Dont let him fob you or others off with the 'just friends'. I have lots of male friends. I don't
Message them in secret
Message them all day every day (again in secret)
Talk about my body parts or theirs (unless they've broken their leg or something!)
Slag off my husband to them

Good luck OP

"if anyone found these messages he would be finished." Because he knows damn well that what he is doing is wrong.

That is great op that it is a private rental. Ask your solicitor if you can legally change the locks if he refuses to move out. I think you can. Obviously a last resort!