Found texts

[usernametaken2675]

Name changed for this as possibly outing.

So I've found WhatsApp messages on my husbands phone to a female friend.

We have been on the rocks for a while and no longer wear wedding rings.

Friend has known us 10 years and is 15 years younger than 'D'H.

Messages are everyday going back over a year. Many messages a day.

I know they are closer than other people in our friendship group ie interests and hobbies etc.

Messages are everyday subjects to more in-depth conversations.

No mention of I love yous or the like.

Good morning/night messages everyday.

Messages of just 'Xs'

Every message ended with Xxx

Some inappropriate messages about the woman's boobs and his name for them

Other inappropriate and ambiguous statements.

Compliments from both sides.

Bitching about me and her OH.

One even said don't message yet she has my phone.

Arranging to meet for coffees and lunch.

Ridiculous nicknames for each other.

Very unlikely it's got physical.

Is this an affair?? Close friends? And should I call him out?
There are children on both sides so don't want to rock the boat.

Get photos of all the messages, particularly any flirty or sexual bits (naming boobs) and criticisms of you.

I’d go back to visit with him and ask how her “boob x and y” are doing? Then sit there and watch them squirm. When they say what are you talking about turn to your husband and say calmly that that’s what he calls them in his messages.. (send the kids off to play somewhere first!).

How can you even consider continuing this marriage. He’s a liar and a cheat and has no respect for you.

Terrible behaviour from your DH and over such a prolonged period of time. Sorry I’ve missed when you found these messages but if you can keep the discovery to yourself until you have had time to really consider what to do next.
I wouldn’t tell the other husband or message the friend , dignity trumps all and will be much better for your mental wellbeing. I’m afraid I couldn’t remain married to anyone after that degree of deceit.

Telling the husband isn't about making her feel better, or revenge. It's about telling him something he has a right to know. That's how I see it?? He is presumably a friend...

They may both decide, together, to delay a confrontation

@usernametaken2675

I don’t know if someone has already told you, but you can email the entire conversation to yourself, no need for screenshots and it’s over quickly. When you do it, just make sure you go into his email and delete the sent item xx

In WhatsApp you can export chat via the three dots at the top. But try on your device first with one of your own chats, as I'm not sure what kind of trace it leaves.

Before that just either video the conversation on your phone. Just in case you dont get time to export etc

EA not withstanding, why had you both taken off your wedding rings?

It doesn't leave any obvious trace and you can choose to have it sent to any email. Easiest thing to do as you get the whole lot

Before this blows up, plan everything.
Get financial paperwork and important papers copied and in a safe place.
Set up a separate bank account.
Who would stay in the home?
Get some legal advice as to what to expect.
Sit tight until you make up your mind, knowing you have a plan and all your ducks in a row.

Stop the EA now by exposing it! Unfortunately these things are a slippery slope.

One they admit feelings or attraction, then the affair is full go (Dave Carder) please watch this. 1m in, ignore the religious references he is absolutely spot on:

Sorry I know I'm jumping in late but the whole boobs naming thing would be it! Sexual comments can NEVER be ignored. How dare he not only say that when he is with you but talk about her like that. It would make me feel icky, too personal unless you are intimate and if they;re not it's just creepy.

They can claim it's just friends, but there's no excusing the boob comment as just being friendly. At thevery least he is/was flirting with another woman.

Hello all.

Sorry I went to bed last night.
Have managed to get copies of the conversations.

Haven't decided whether to tell the husband yet. Still trying to work out a game plan so to speak.

@ScreamingLadySutch thank you for them. Will be watching them later.

Thank you all for your support.

He has taken his phone today but I could hear it ping this morning before he left

Imagine if:

You contacted her husband 18 months ago for some advice. Somehow, you continued to message. The messages became intimate to the point that he told you he has a name for each of your boobs. He orchestrates seeing you over Christmas. So, at this point, you know he fancies you like mad, is deceitful to his wife about your relationship and agrees with you when you bitch about her. Do you think you have already slept with him or are about to? The answer just doesn't lead to 'no'.

I hope you are in a strong position to kick the twat out.

Tell the husband. You are now aware of this and can make a decision about your marriage accordingly (do tell the cuntweasel to fuck off). Her dh should have that too. If you keep their secret, you're complicit in concealing their relationship from her husband.

@SummerWhisper

thank you. Luckily yes I am.
What I find the saddest is that he couldn't be honest and respectful enough to tell me he fancied someone else.
Or that they even chatted as friends.

The visit before Christmas is what started my concern as I didn't really want to go but he wouldn't leave it.
And silly me was the one who ended up organising it and then accepting to go for lunch etc.

Oh for fuck's sake why are you letting him make a fool of you? He probably hasn't fucked her, but he wants to. All this 'tell the husband' shit, passing responsibility. You deal with it. Deal with it however you want, ignore it, complain on websites, tell him you are separating, whatever.

Good luck, it must be horrible.

I think that the bitching about me would be the killer. There would be no going back from that. You don't deserve this.

usernametaken2675 respect left his personality a long time ago, by the sound of it. You absolutely deserve better than what he is currently dishing out.

I am delighted that you are in a strong position to handle a separation and I am really sorry that you have been put in this position by someone who should completely have your back. He is throwing a good woman into the gutter for a little marriage meddler in a thong. (Obviously I don't know what she wears...)

Call him out on what? Does it even matter? Neither of you are wearing your rings anymore which given your relationship is on the rocks, seems to imply your marriage is all but over. Get a divorce and move on.

Agree with this , totally. I think its obvious that in all intent and purpose your marriage is over so quite why you feel the need to go through his phone/computer /pockets and get so bent out of shape because you've found he's moving on I don't know. IMO you need to face reality and start building a new life too.

@CharlotteMD

We were apparently working on our marriage.
And surely before moving in he should of made his feelings clear to me.

We were apparently working on our marriage. - by taking your wedding rings off ?. Sorry that doesn't make much sense to me.

Yep, it's something that cheaters often do. They like visiting the person they are cheating with, like. " happy families" . It's weird but they like it, having both women together. They must get a thrill out of it.

Moved on?

If he wanted to move on, he should have had the integrity to end his marriage first. Rings or not, he agreed to work on the marriage. Instead, he damaged it further by having an affair with OW, and together they have been slating OP and communicating on a sexual level. He manipulated OP to see OW at Christmas under false pretenses. He has abused her trust and must be held accountable.

OP, please know that H’s infidelity is due to his selfishness and weak character, and is not the result of anything you did or didn’t do. It sounds like your ‘rough patch’ was caused by the emotional distance he created as he was prioritizing OW.