Found texts

[usernametaken2675]

Name changed for this as possibly outing.

So I've found WhatsApp messages on my husbands phone to a female friend.

We have been on the rocks for a while and no longer wear wedding rings.

Friend has known us 10 years and is 15 years younger than 'D'H.

Messages are everyday going back over a year. Many messages a day.

I know they are closer than other people in our friendship group ie interests and hobbies etc.

Messages are everyday subjects to more in-depth conversations.

No mention of I love yous or the like.

Good morning/night messages everyday.

Messages of just 'Xs'

Every message ended with Xxx

Some inappropriate messages about the woman's boobs and his name for them

Other inappropriate and ambiguous statements.

Compliments from both sides.

Bitching about me and her OH.

One even said don't message yet she has my phone.

Arranging to meet for coffees and lunch.

Ridiculous nicknames for each other.

Very unlikely it's got physical.

Is this an affair?? Close friends? And should I call him out?
There are children on both sides so don't want to rock the boat.

Well it could be emotional affair, or they could just be friends.

What does your gut instinct tell you?

Call him out on what? Does it even matter? Neither of you are wearing your rings anymore which given your relationship is on the rocks, seems to imply your marriage is all but over. Get a divorce and move on.

Comments about her boobs
Saying not to message as you have the phone?
Bitching about you?
They are not just having an emotional affair but being very disrespectful to/ about you.

@CoffeeRunner in my gut I think some sort of affair. Based on the fact that
1- friends don't talk like that. Especially with that age gap  < not envy!!
2- do men really comment on a woman's boobs and name them? And then tell them about it! Combined within an already inappropriate conversation?

@Aquamarine1029 I wanted to work on our marriage. The wedding rings coming off was only suppose to be until be worked through our other issues.

Sorry meant to add - what do you think he would do if confronted? How do you feel?

@TuppenceDarling
The messages about how he noticed them on multiple occasions. How he had named them.
How he didn't want me knowing they spoke.

He would say they were just really good friends.

@TuppenceDarling

I feel blindsided. Tbh.
He's been mentioning her recently and how we should go see her and her family. Meet up etc.

Hi from experience with an ex and messages exactly like this I woundnt say it's got physical yet but it will . No doubt about that . Messages every day shows that they are thinking about each other constantly. And the boob talk just shows it would get physical. It's 100 percent inappropriate. And he knows what he is doing is wrong because if the don't text me yet message . Personally I would kick him out . If you mention it to him he will probably play the victim . Making out your paranoid that's why he had to hide them ect nothing happened ain't I allowed female friends ect . But you . Us and he knows it's wrong . X

Yeah, no justification for that!
What on earth could he even say: we're just close friends? Tit-naming close friends who hide texts from partners?

Whatever is going on is massively disrespectful to you. Even if they haven't done anything physically they've massively crossed a line.
Try and get screenshots if you can before he tries to deny it.

A good friend (to him) wouldn’t be someone who thought so little of you, his wife, to engage with him in that kind of chat. If that makes sense!
She’s not a friend to your marriage that’s for sure. But more importantly he doesn’t have your back. Being so invested in someone outside the marriage does not show a focus on working on things with you. I guess I’d ask: for real, are we going to fix this. Then I’d ask for low contact between him and her. See what he says. If that’s what you want of course ....

OP, I’m sorry but he is definitely at least having an emotional affair whether or not it’s got physical yet, who knows.

It sounds like he wants it to get physical asking to all meet up. Start getting screenshots of all the messages between them and get your ducks in a row financially. When he nexts asks about meeting up say “oh so you can stare and touch (insert his name for her boobs) in person? Confront him and kick his arse out. He doesn’t want to work on your marriage and she isn’t a friend of yours!

I was annoyed when he badgered me into going to see her over Christmas.

She's always been ok with me and has defended me on many occasions so this is out of the blue.

He definitely just says they are friends. He obviously doesn't know I know about the messages.

They are every day. Constantly throughout.

He told her I don't like him having female friends already hence the secrecy.

He hasn't outright said he would be physical with her.

I do see her occasionally in public so don't know how I will face her.

I think I just want to know what he thinks of her.
I don't want to do a pick me dance. I just couldn't.
But surely I should what his feeling toward her actually are. Is he getting feelings, ego boost (given the age gap) or banter.

If a male friend of mine named my boobs and told me about it, it would be the last communication we had.

What he thinks of her is that she's someone to complain to about you and that he's 'noticed' her tits and named them!
Surely that tells you enough!

Come on, OP. You're not the one rocking the boat. He's already tipped it over.

Tell your husband to get lost and then tell her husband exactly what you've seen.

Depends what your boundaries are really, and does he know this? I'm guessing he does. For me personally as soon as message's that you wouldn't let your partner see start flying about, it's an emotional affair.

Tell him to get to fuck and you hope him and titname are very happy together. Ask him what she names his dick.

So if he knew you saw the messages, would he still insist they are just friends?

Would her OH think so if he knew your DH had named his wife's boobs. This has crossed a line and they both know it.

You need to decide if you want to fix your marriage. Taking rings off with no action won't do anything.

They both love the ego boosts and him insisting you visit was an excuse to see her right under your nose.

Talk properly about what you both want...if he doesn't want reconciliation, then unfortunately you need to face the reality.

With regards to the boob thing. I get that men look etc and probably name them and have a laugh with the guys. My problem with it is that he noticed, told her and it's now a sort of in joke.

It all started innocently and has gradually got more personal with in jokes, nicknames even a routine of morning night texts.

Tell her husband. Copy the messages.
And then sit back, and wait for it all to explode.
( having taken all money you can and changed the locks on the house of course)

They re in love, sorry.
And sorry for being flippant.

He probably would say just friends, that I'm over reacting and that it's banter.

Some conversations are bordering on sexting tbh.

Her OH would probably loose his mind and kick off. Although she could probably talk him around.

@SandyY2K this regards to going to visit. He moaned to see her all day until I gave in. Apparently it was for the kids to play and catch up as we hadn't seen them for a few months.

I just wish it was clearer as people will think I've lost my mind. The both of them would be able to talk everyone around and against me.

@Muddyfieldsandprimroses what makes you think that. They've never said it to each other.although when he was having a rough day she did say it (as a friend) and he said back at ya.

He's not home yet so trying to come up with a plan.

@Muddyfieldsandprimroses telling her husband would definitely explode the situation.