Found texts

[usernametaken2675]

Name changed for this as possibly outing.

So I've found WhatsApp messages on my husbands phone to a female friend.

We have been on the rocks for a while and no longer wear wedding rings.

Friend has known us 10 years and is 15 years younger than 'D'H.

Messages are everyday going back over a year. Many messages a day.

I know they are closer than other people in our friendship group ie interests and hobbies etc.

Messages are everyday subjects to more in-depth conversations.

No mention of I love yous or the like.

Good morning/night messages everyday.

Messages of just 'Xs'

Every message ended with Xxx

Some inappropriate messages about the woman's boobs and his name for them

Other inappropriate and ambiguous statements.

Compliments from both sides.

Bitching about me and her OH.

One even said don't message yet she has my phone.

Arranging to meet for coffees and lunch.

Ridiculous nicknames for each other.

Very unlikely it's got physical.

Is this an affair?? Close friends? And should I call him out?
There are children on both sides so don't want to rock the boat.

This is awful op. Please don’t underestimate the huge breach of trust. The attention your husband has been giving this woman when he should have been working in your marriage. How old is she?
The disrespect, sexual talk, meeting up, constant messaging. And you didn’t know any of it. How on earth do you come back from that?

I would get screen shots of the messages then let the husband see them
If he thinks there's nothing in it then there you go.
I very much doubt it though; if both of you feel there is something wrong then how can it just be you over reacting.
Ignoring this will not make it go away, at a minimum it's an EA though I suspect it's already physical after such a length of time.
Sorry OP it's shit, but not because of anything you have done

@Uptonogoodtoo
She is just 30 and nearly 20 years younger than him.

I don't know if we can come back from this tbh.

I really don't know which bits are worse.

The sexual element is the worst for me I think. It's definitely a continuous theme in the conversations even when it's not said outright.

The kicker is that a woman did try it on in 2018 with him and he immediately told me, blocked her. Wouldn't be around if she was. Showed me her messages and his replies etc.

And now this with her

Hi OP, this is absolutely an affair, for the reasons many have given.

What happens next, is an admission of attractiveness/love

After that? Full-blown affair, which goes physical.

The SECRECY is what drives it. Shine the light on it now. Send her the text (including boob's names), tell her you are going to consult her OH because you are not too sure what to do, and confront him.

Your marriage might be over if he does not want to work with you. But dignity is far better than being humiliated. Being humiliated is a scar that never quite goes away.

@WeakAsIAm thank you.

Otherwise, it could be a fantasy/she is just enjoying the attention of another bloke.

But exposing it tends to pour a big bucket of cold water all over the thrill.

@ScreamingLadySutch he's said on messages that he cares for her and worries about her.

He's never outright alluded to active ness or love. Although some messages could be seen to have skirted it.

They are enjoying the secrecy and the thrill and, even if they are not intending to take it further, know good and well that it is wholly inappropriate. You are having marriage issues and he is giving intimacy to a woman who is not you. Call them both out on it, I think you’ll find that kills it stone dead but that doesn’t mean you have to forgive it. It just means that you have to make it abundantly clear that they are found out and should be ashamed.

This is appalling. You don't need to call him out on it. He is not trying to work things out with you. He has had his head turned by this woman and is justifying it by slagging you off so he can maintain his nice guy image.

You don't need to convince anyone else. He has crossed at line with you by disrespectful behaviour toward you and your marriage.

I would tell him to leave.

I think her husband deserves to know. But if you can break it to him face to face (and also be a united front?) that would be better than forwarding screenshots to him. Is that a possibility?

Also deserves to know

A double confrontation from the 2 of you. Much stronger.

Apparently it was for the kids to play and catch up.

OP, it is disgusting that he actually used his own children as an excuse to see and drool over his Affair Partner. I would be furious. He and OW would have been so smug with their knowing glances and smiles right in front of you and her DH.

Regarding the children, they deserve better than a home and relationship model where their father so disrespects their mother. And the friends? It matters not what they think. You know the truth. He has massively crossed boundaries with OW. You have the option to let family/friends know details, but don’t be influenced by anyone’s minimizing.

Tell her husband to ask her who are. Even better, ask her yourself in front of him.

So did you actually go and visit her and her DH? If so, how did they behave?
You definitely need to save those messages before you say anything as he'll delete the lot. They may be just enjoying a 'pretend' affair but this saying good morning /night thing is just letting each other know that they are thinking of each other first and last thing, it's giving me the rage on your behalf!

Went over on Christmas for a few hours and for lunch.

Behaved normal. Played with the kids. Normal conversation over lunch. Few comments were a bit odd but not worrying.

The morning/night thing is every day. It's like a routine he cannot get out of.

Edit. Christmas Eve.

OW husband is probably easy to find on WhatsApp, and you will see his number too.

OP he is infatuated with her, he is deeeplt attached to her, is idealising her and is betraying you completely.

Disloyal wanker.

Screenshot everything and then when people try to minimise you can say ‘they were texting from their first waking moments to late at night, all day, every day’ and show them the flirtatious/emotional stuff.

He is a fucking lying prick, and I hope you hold yourself high enough to dump him. You have every reason.

Have you taken pictures of the messages? Saved somewhere he can't delete them

Affairs thrive on secrecy...but before doing anything crazy, think about what you want in terms of staying in the marriage.

Slagging me off would be reason enough to end it personally, never mind the sexual stuff between them.

It's terrible when the OW is in your circle of friends and your kids play together.

I know someone who discovered an affair. She didn't reveal her discovery until after the divorce. She just told him she wasn't happy in the marriage and he deserved to be happy. She wanted an amicable divorce.

Once the papers were signed, she told him she knew. She told him how long it had been going on and gave other irrefutable facts.

I would want it amicable which ever way it goes.

I don't understand how they could be friends for nearly 10 years and then this all of a sudden.

The sexual "banter" and him slagging me off has done it for me tbh.

I’ve been in this position and while the sexual message seriously hurt me the ones slagging me and our marriage off were a killer.
I also would let her husband know, I’d ask him what you’ve asked here, are these messages inappropriate?
Your husband is confiding elsewhere, why can’t you?
I don’t want to derail your thread with my story but you deserve so much more than this, good luck!

Please feel free to pm me if you want to

Sounds like they wanted to see each other over Christmas 😔 I feel for you OP. Make sure you get what you want out of this mess. Telling her husband might make you feel good for a while but will that be the right approach eventually? I agree, the slagging off is terrible, so disloyal. Hope you can confide in someone in real life