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Original poster

I got my husband a mousemat for his birthday

231 replies

MousematsRule · 05/01/2020 07:07

I've NC for this as it's possibly outing I think.

DH's birthday was a few days after we got married and one day into our honeymoon.
The honeymoon cost more than our wedding - it was DHs dream holiday - a 3.5 week tour of a far away country. We'd booked 3 extra days before the tour on a ranch and before the wedding, before the mad panic set in, I'd booked a couple of extra surprises for his birthday - a birthday cake and champagne to be in our room on arrival and a romantic moonlight horseride and picnic.

I didn't want to take a big present as we were travelling as light as possible for the tour. Also, we were literally cleaning ourselves out for the wedding. It wasn't as if we werent treating ourselves in the process either. As well as my dress, I got a pair of shoes I always wanted, he got a tailor made suit which cost as much as my dress and everything to go with it. I'm not keeping score, I'm just pointing out, that we were doing pretty well individually and wanted for nothing really.

I meant to get him something little to open but to be honest, the week before the wedding was incredibly busy. There just wasn't time and it left my head. I'm notoriously disorganised and trying to manage the event, pretty much single-handedly, as well as my business, and arranging for a month away straight after proved to be monumental.

I did think too, I could get something small and jokey while we were there and honestly thought in the circumstances, he wouldn't care about a wrapped present.

Anyway, our flights were delayed and we missed our connections. We ended up stranded for two days and had to miss the ranch. We woke up on his birthday in a crappy airport hotel with no luggage. I felt bad for him, and nipped to the shop to get a silly present. There was nothing to get, So I got a really tacky touristy mousemat and some sweets honestly thinking he'd see the funn y side.

I told him what I'd arranged and apologised but he was clearly gutted and deflated that I'd not got him anything. He thought as it was straight after wedding I'd have put some thought into a meaningful gift and I understood where he was coming from and felt bad and apologised again.

He still brings it up though and throws it back in weird ways - after ages of not mentioning it, it's cropped up a few times since Christmas. Eg I'm pregnant now and everyone is making a bit of a fuss about me. My mum bought me some nice maternity clothes and my sisters were asking if we'd done anything special for our last Christmas as a two. Also it's my 30th soon, two weeks before baby is due, so they've been talking about that. I don't expect loads of presents, I'm not bothered but it's like he resents it all. He keeps saying 'I can't believe all this fuss when you only got me a mousemat.' 🙄

I dont know, am I being very unsympathetic to not really understand why he's so cross about it? I think half of his frustration is that I have admitted I don't see why he's making such a big deal if it. We'd just got married, we were on our dream holiday, wed just spent all of our money on us and I'd booked some birthday surprises. I see where he's coming from, kind of, and I have apologised, but I don't really get it.

OP posts:
Longsight2019 · 05/01/2020 07:12

He needs to drop it. It sounds like he’s pretty self indulgent what with the tailor made suit and lavish honeymoon, plus his gift expectations.

funmummy48 · 05/01/2020 07:12

I think he needs to grow up and you need to stop apologizing. If I were you, I think I'd tell him that it's time to draw a line under it and move on. What does he want you to do? Then the clock back? If he brings it up again, laugh, ruffle his hair and say "oh, you are funny" in a patronising voice. He's being very childish.

madcatladyforever · 05/01/2020 07:15

He is behaving like a 5 year old.

Bluerussian · 05/01/2020 07:17

He sounds a bit petty to be honest. I'm sure his little mouse will be happy on its mat rather than being in his jacket pocket all the time, bless.

Aussiebean · 05/01/2020 07:19

But you did get him a present. The champagne and ride.

It didn’t happen due to the flights which weren’t you.

Sometime I really nail my dhs presents. Sometimes I just have no idea and it’s not fantastic. But over the years it evens out. The desire to do well is there which is important.

I think maybe a couple of sessions with a counsellor would be good. Especially before the baby comes. Because your life is going to now be about the baby. And part of that is making sure you are ok. Birth is going to be entirely about you.

Having a third party to talk it out will be good. He was disappointed and he needs to be able to deal with it and let it go.

SpicyRibs · 05/01/2020 07:20

extra surprises for his birthday - a birthday cake and champagne to be in our room on arrival and a romantic moonlight horseride and picnic.

I'm not sure a bloke would necessarily consider a romantic moonlight horseride + picnic 'birthday' gifts for him tbh. Birthday cake aside, it all sounds more like honeymoon stuff (and dare I say, things you would enjoy more).

Totally understand where you're coming from re time/money/wedding etc and why you wouldn't buy/take a gift with you.

I suppose he's seeing it now you've come back, you've had an opportunity to buy a 'nice' birthday gift for him and yet ultimately he's only had the mousemat.

JolieOBrien · 05/01/2020 07:23

What is a mousemat?

Original poster
MousematsRule · 05/01/2020 07:30

Spicyribs moonlight horseride was definitely for him, not me. I'd have enjoyed it but the whole ranch trip (and TBH the whole honeymoon) definitely more his style and dream experiences etc.

I could have got him something on our return, maybe I should have. To be honest, I didn't realise it was such a big deal to him until Christmas time. We were away nearly a month, I had to get straight back to work. He took redundancy before the wedding so has been at home. Also, I earn a lot less than he does and I've been totally skint since the wedding. Then I got pregnant. It's been a crazy year.

OP posts:
Goatinthegarden · 05/01/2020 07:31

@JolieOBrien a mat that you put your computer mouse on....

SpicyRibs · 05/01/2020 07:40

@MousematsRule In that case, that's a thoughtful and kind gift and he's being rather childish and unreasonable going on about the mousemat situation.

Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy/delivery and many happy returns for your upcoming birthday. Smile

Shedidnt · 05/01/2020 07:46

This marriage won't last. He sounds like a complete and utter bollox.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/01/2020 07:50

Omg what a drag. He’s acting like a 5 year old. Does he understand he’s going to be a dad soon? If he’s going to continue like this for every perceived slight - this is perceived - your marriage is either going to be unhealthy or not last. You’re carrying his baby ffs.

SunshineCake · 05/01/2020 07:51

How is the pathetic man child going to cope when everything is about you and the baby at labour and afterwards and will he bring it up at baby's first Christmas and birthday when you get them lovely presents. Sort this now or it's going to be a lot of money you watered in fancy clothes and a pace to sleep for a month.

daisypond · 05/01/2020 07:52

He sounds ridiculous. Someone who cares more about what they were given rather that the fact that they were given anything isn’t worth it. Egocentric and a me, me attitude.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 05/01/2020 07:53

Stop apologising - you did arrange special experiences for his birthday it was just circumstances that prevented them happening. Any sensible rational person would completely understand that.
He sounds a self-centred and self-absorbed dick - he'll struggle when you give birth and your life will naturally revolve around the baby and he will have to take his place further down the food chain.

LIZS · 05/01/2020 07:54

I fear he is going to resent everything you spend on the baby rather than him, especially if you are not working.

Did you get a refund, if so maybe you could find an alternative treat now, before baby comes. Tbh I'm surprised you have not since or while on the honeymoon. Otherwise he needs to stop rubbing it in and move on.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/01/2020 07:58

Wow he really needs to get a grip.

Did you get him a nice Xmas present?

Next time he mentions that all he got was a mousemat I'd be inclined to say "oh yes, poor you only receiving a mousemat on an £xxxxx amount holiday in your dream destination. My birthday is going to be while I'm 38 weeks pregnant in in the lovely February (presumably) weather and I'm not complaining. Get a grip."

olivetreelane · 05/01/2020 08:01

That's exactly what I was about to say lizs.

Op, does he have form of being somewhat selfish and things having to be all about him? He sounds quite materialistic and that your gifts (even those that didn't happen) were ever going to be enough.

If he's a sulky type then I would put money on it that you're going to see a lot more of that once baby is here and he isn't in the limelight anymore!

Patchworksack · 05/01/2020 08:02

Did you get the champers, cake, ride etc when you eventually reached your intended destination? If not presumably you got a refund or claimed on your insurance? Your plans sounded lovely and it's not your fault they were thwarted, but if he ended up getting only a mousemat I can see why he's upset. I think you need to talk about it properly, and if you can't it doesn't bode well, your marriage will have to withstand much bigger storms than this.

Panicovereveryone · 05/01/2020 08:09

OP I really do think the advice about counselling is good. Your lives are about to pivot and start being centred around a baby. It WILL not be all about your DH, but by the sound of it he won’t like that. If he can’t see how lucky he was and why the plans you had actually made didn’t work, he’s a spoilt brat.

WanderingAimlessly · 05/01/2020 08:10

Oh dear. My husband had his 40th birthday on our honeymoon. He got a card. He was totally ok with it. We’d discussed this sort of thing in advance of our wedding and agreed no presents for birthdays or Xmas that year as we’d spent enough. We did the same thing the years I was on mat leave and we were skint. It’s called priorities.

JolieOBrien · 05/01/2020 08:13

@Goatinthegarden

What ... I have never used a mat for my mouse what a waste of money.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/01/2020 08:13

He thinking you getting maternity clothes (which will be useful for a few months and are only necessary because of the heavy burden of carrying your joint child is some kind of great present that shames the effort you put in to his birthday?

His behaviour was childish anyway - you had tried to do something really special for him. You had thought about it in advance and gone out of your way to arrange it (not to mention you’d agreed to a honeymoon that was one sided anyway) but he’s blaming you for his birthday not being special. And now he sounds resentful of the attention his child is getting already.

How long is it since he was made redundant? Possibly, some of his acting out now is because he’s not getting the sort of kudos he’s used to by virtue of his work and his self esteem is taking a hit. A man who is used to earning a lot with a baby on the way and who’s just spent all his savings on a wedding should probably be feeling a bit antsy about not having found another job yet. So that may be why it’s reared it’s head again after you thought it was all in the past. But that’s not really an excuse - it’s just possibly the cause, he’s still responsible for understanding himself and not letting his insecurity make him nasty.

I agree with a previous poster - you two could probably do with some counseling before the baby comes. Things will be much harder after.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/01/2020 08:14

sounds like he’s pretty self indulgent what with the tailor made suit and lavish honeymoon, plus his gift expectations.

If that's the case then surely you need to level the same criticism at the op too don't you?

After all, she had a dress that cost the same as the suit plus fancy shoes and she also went on the lavish honeymoon.

lovemenorca · 05/01/2020 08:15

Op - he’s made a couple of comments because he was a bit hurt

Not a big deal at all - you weren’t wrong and he’s not wrong to be a little put out