I got my husband a mousemat for his birthday

[MousematsRule]

I've NC for this as it's possibly outing I think.

DH's birthday was a few days after we got married and one day into our honeymoon.
The honeymoon cost more than our wedding - it was DHs dream holiday - a 3.5 week tour of a far away country. We'd booked 3 extra days before the tour on a ranch and before the wedding, before the mad panic set in, I'd booked a couple of extra surprises for his birthday - a birthday cake and champagne to be in our room on arrival and a romantic moonlight horseride and picnic.

I didn't want to take a big present as we were travelling as light as possible for the tour. Also, we were literally cleaning ourselves out for the wedding. It wasn't as if we werent treating ourselves in the process either. As well as my dress, I got a pair of shoes I always wanted, he got a tailor made suit which cost as much as my dress and everything to go with it. I'm not keeping score, I'm just pointing out, that we were doing pretty well individually and wanted for nothing really.

I meant to get him something little to open but to be honest, the week before the wedding was incredibly busy. There just wasn't time and it left my head. I'm notoriously disorganised and trying to manage the event, pretty much single-handedly, as well as my business, and arranging for a month away straight after proved to be monumental.

I did think too, I could get something small and jokey while we were there and honestly thought in the circumstances, he wouldn't care about a wrapped present.

Anyway, our flights were delayed and we missed our connections. We ended up stranded for two days and had to miss the ranch. We woke up on his birthday in a crappy airport hotel with no luggage. I felt bad for him, and nipped to the shop to get a silly present. There was nothing to get, So I got a really tacky touristy mousemat and some sweets honestly thinking he'd see the funn y side.

I told him what I'd arranged and apologised but he was clearly gutted and deflated that I'd not got him anything. He thought as it was straight after wedding I'd have put some thought into a meaningful gift and I understood where he was coming from and felt bad and apologised again.

He still brings it up though and throws it back in weird ways - after ages of not mentioning it, it's cropped up a few times since Christmas. Eg I'm pregnant now and everyone is making a bit of a fuss about me. My mum bought me some nice maternity clothes and my sisters were asking if we'd done anything special for our last Christmas as a two. Also it's my 30th soon, two weeks before baby is due, so they've been talking about that. I don't expect loads of presents, I'm not bothered but it's like he resents it all. He keeps saying 'I can't believe all this fuss when you only got me a mousemat.' 🙄

I dont know, am I being very unsympathetic to not really understand why he's so cross about it? I think half of his frustration is that I have admitted I don't see why he's making such a big deal if it. We'd just got married, we were on our dream holiday, wed just spent all of our money on us and I'd booked some birthday surprises. I see where he's coming from, kind of, and I have apologised, but I don't really get it.

Same @palomapear! My DH just said asked me what's wrong! The look on my face while reading this thread...

I've just told him just half of it and he's gobsmacked... he said what kind of man behaves like that?!

I’d be worried you will see a huge surge in his jealousy when he realises there’s an actual baby requiring more care and attention than he needs. How will he cope when he realises that the baby is going to be a priority when it comes to spending and that it’s likely he will have to go without some of his wants to buy things for the baby?

This! ^

So he had to get a tailor made suit for the wedding to counter your dress

He wants a present for hiMyself as you're getting a bag

Are you getting the picture here now OP.

I strongly suspect he'll have huge jealous issues when the baby arrives as all the focus will be on the baby and not him.

The above post is spot on.
He is a dick.
Please start putting money aside op.
I don't think yours will cope well when your baby arrives.

Do you have savings to cover maternity leave?

I don't know what will happen if his redundancy runs out and he hasn't started earning more. A bit of a way from that though

You're having a baby together but haven't worked out where the money will come from? And you're both happy to just run through his redundancy until it's gone, without saving any for a rainy day? And he was made redundant just before you had a wedding and honeymoon that sounds as if it cost more than my house?

You're both braver than I am!

Do you have savings to cover maternity leave?

I presume since she's got her own business, she's worked out how to pay herself maternity leave from that? (Not sure how that works...)

Jeez, what a big man baby. If it helps clarify why this is not ok...

DH and I got married the week of his birthday and Father's Day. I completely forgot to get him anything for either occasion. Including cards. I just said "I completely forgot, sorry!" and he shrugged and said "don't worry about it, we've been manic!"

It has never been brought up since....

@MousematsRule I’m sorry but the more you post, the more ut becomes clear that he is abusive.
The pattern is there.
He needs attention and won’t be able to cope if he is t the centre of attention once the baby is here. See all the comments abiut nit wanting to hear about of symptoms, wanting to have something from your family if you get something etc....
He isn’t working and chose the best time ever to decide to start his business - when you are pregnant and will be in ML. I suspect that when the baby is here he will say he has no money left and will expect you to be back at work within a couple of weeks. Be mindful of him then also deciding that he is going to be a SAHD as you are earning an he isn’t.
See also the idea of ‘treating you’ with a trip to Paris but expecting you to pay half of it.... that’s not treating someone. it’s getting a trio you wanted on the back of someone else.

I wouod also be careful about the way he might chip at your self esteem. Your comment about him being good at saving when you’re not when the reality is that he has much more money to be able to save says a lot. Same with splitting everything 50/50 etc...

There are many many red flags there...

You're both braver than I am!
I've always flown by the seat of my pants a little bit, that's why I'm never organised enough to plan weeks ahead for gifts etc.

Yes, money for me is covered. Business is finally starting to pay off - just got a great contract, I won't have much maternity leave but I will be sorted. I don't have much savings left, it all went on my kit, but he has some to fall back on.

Wedding wasn't big expensive wedding - honeymoon was. The actual do itself was largely home-made.

I appreciate everybody's concern. I'm OK, I won't get financially abused. I can support myself.

It's all a big dripfeed because once I've started I can't stop. There's quite a lot more. I told my friend I feel quite lonely and trapped and I wish I hadn't got married

I told my friend I feel quite lonely and trapped and I wish I hadn't got married

I think you are right. You can divorce, you know! Marriage is not about staying with an arse for the rest of your life.

Blimey, it's all about HIM isn't it.

Either you nip this in the bud, OP or expect it to get worse. Or leave.

I told my friend I feel quite lonely and trapped and I wish I hadn't got married

That's the bigger issue. You don't seem very well matched, were you originally?

If you try to look at this objectively and stripped back, I'd guess that he feels most loved when he's being given gifts, and he feels resentment that you didn't live up to his expectations on his birthday. You thought you were both throwing all your money into the wedding, he clearly thought you had something up your sleeve and were perhaps going to be more lavish for his birthday. And now he appears to be resentful and unhappy that you're getting gifts from your family, and he is not.

Is there a way to get back into line, or is there too much of a gap between you? It doesn't sound like this will be a great environment for a child.

Weirdly we get married a couple of days before my fiancés birthday, too. I can't wait.

Tell him to shut up and not to mention it again. Wanker.

*For my birthday two years ago, he took me to Paris as a surprise and proposed which was amazing. But Paris was really expensive. I spent £200 and ran out and he was really annoyed. I hadn't been expecting it so the expenditure, and ended up sharing a breakfast and lunch on the last day. I'd have preferred to make the most of Paris rather than the big ring but ever since he's always said I need to get a big present like he got me.

He wanted a PlayStation for Christmas but he knows I don't have £300. Especially as the wedding has been this year. So yeah, he had a nice present, but not what he wanted.*

He sounds like a baby, I'm a bit worried for you having a baby now too.

The fact he chose to propose, buy you an expensive ring, that was his choice, not yours, why does he want the 'favour' repaid in way of an expensive present?

He's jealous of you for getting maternity clothes given to you.

Honestly, he sounds awful, you didn't only get him a mouse pad, you bought him experiences, you couldn't do them not due to your fault, but then you actually did more, he stated for extra days and went to a football match for his birthday (if I have that right).

He seems entirely self centred, presents aren't point scoring and you don't make it up to the person so you're equal at the end of the day.
How will he cope when children arrive and his presents will be pretty non existent compared to them.

There's quite a lot more. I told my friend I feel quite lonely and trapped and I wish I hadn't got married

This is quite telling.

Tbh honest I'd have been disappointed to receive the mousemat for any birthday, let alone the first one being married.

You'd have been better off writing what you intend to get him (the horseride) on a piece of paper and slipped it inside his birthday card.

For me, I see the mousemat as a waste of money and wouldn't have even brought it back from the honeymoon.

He does need to move on though. I suspect he's jealous your family are making a fuss about you.

I'm shocked by the Paris trip that he expected you to cover him! My partner took me on a similar holiday to propose and I paid for nothing as I didn't even know where we going until we at the airport so I didn't have any currency on me. My partner is not anywhere near a high earner either! Less than £20k a year. But then he's not an asshole who is tit for tat.

Tbh honest I'd have been disappointed to receive the mousemat for any birthday, let alone the first one being married.

That's not what she got him, and he was aware of that too.

I suspect he's jealous your family are making a fuss about you.

What kind of person gets jealous of their pregnant wife getting attention, he should be giving her attention too, but throwing a strop about it.

For me, I see the mousemat as a waste of money and wouldn't have even brought it back from the honeymoon.

The mousemat was a joke. It was a few quid. The one shop was awful and the mousemat had a map of the place we were trying to get to. Theres also a longstanding private joke about him and computers. It was never supposed to be a gift to keep. I thought he'd see the funny side given the horrible 24 hours we'd just had.

If I wanted to be really obstinate and defensive about it I could keep pointing out, I didn't get a birthday gift because I was so busy and not receiving any help and support from him in making sure wedding was OK. I ran out of time to get things done. Also I'd decided on experiences instead of a gift because we were away for a month with just a freaking backpack each because we were touring - his choice!

Pity you were ttc when you knew you weren't happy with him, but pregnancy still no reason to stay with this awful man. I'm sure your family will be a huge support.

Also pregnancy isn't exactly a treat for a woman, nor is childbirth! He should be grateful your family have offered to buy you a baby bag. If he wants likewise then he can squeeze a baby out!

He's awful. It sounds like his world revolves around money which is sad.

You don't owe him anything. He paid for Paris. You spent 9 months carrying his child. I know which trumps the other here...

I'm OK, I won't get financially abused.

It's already started OP. The guilt trips for not spending enough and sulking when you get gifts and he doesn't.

And making you feel guilty for talking about your pregnancy and resenting you for doing well in your career is bordering on emotional abuse too.

Be careful OP. Nobody sets out to be in an abusive relationship, it's not a conscious decision. It creeps up on you slowly and these little red flags are huge warning signs to me.

You don't seem very well matched, were you originally

I've always known he views money matters very differently, but we seemed matched well in everything else. We knew each other before then met again and I thought I knew him. It's just gone terrible since the wedding, maybe a little before but I didn't realise?

He really wanted to start a family but now It's happening he says he is freaked out. I've bought him books because he seems to have no idea whats going on and he doesnt believe what I say about how anything feels but he won't read them.

We were staying with his family a few weeks ago and we argued in the middle of the night. I was sobbing, so upset and all he cared about was me shutting up so nobody would hear.

And last night we went for a takeaway. I eat really well and have given up all sorts of treats but I just fancied some fried rice. I love it but he humiliated me in front of the shop and the woman sided with him that I shouldn't have it.

@TwentyViginti I didn't know I was unhappy with him and TTC