I got my husband a mousemat for his birthday

[MousematsRule]

I've NC for this as it's possibly outing I think.

DH's birthday was a few days after we got married and one day into our honeymoon.
The honeymoon cost more than our wedding - it was DHs dream holiday - a 3.5 week tour of a far away country. We'd booked 3 extra days before the tour on a ranch and before the wedding, before the mad panic set in, I'd booked a couple of extra surprises for his birthday - a birthday cake and champagne to be in our room on arrival and a romantic moonlight horseride and picnic.

I didn't want to take a big present as we were travelling as light as possible for the tour. Also, we were literally cleaning ourselves out for the wedding. It wasn't as if we werent treating ourselves in the process either. As well as my dress, I got a pair of shoes I always wanted, he got a tailor made suit which cost as much as my dress and everything to go with it. I'm not keeping score, I'm just pointing out, that we were doing pretty well individually and wanted for nothing really.

I meant to get him something little to open but to be honest, the week before the wedding was incredibly busy. There just wasn't time and it left my head. I'm notoriously disorganised and trying to manage the event, pretty much single-handedly, as well as my business, and arranging for a month away straight after proved to be monumental.

I did think too, I could get something small and jokey while we were there and honestly thought in the circumstances, he wouldn't care about a wrapped present.

Anyway, our flights were delayed and we missed our connections. We ended up stranded for two days and had to miss the ranch. We woke up on his birthday in a crappy airport hotel with no luggage. I felt bad for him, and nipped to the shop to get a silly present. There was nothing to get, So I got a really tacky touristy mousemat and some sweets honestly thinking he'd see the funn y side.

I told him what I'd arranged and apologised but he was clearly gutted and deflated that I'd not got him anything. He thought as it was straight after wedding I'd have put some thought into a meaningful gift and I understood where he was coming from and felt bad and apologised again.

He still brings it up though and throws it back in weird ways - after ages of not mentioning it, it's cropped up a few times since Christmas. Eg I'm pregnant now and everyone is making a bit of a fuss about me. My mum bought me some nice maternity clothes and my sisters were asking if we'd done anything special for our last Christmas as a two. Also it's my 30th soon, two weeks before baby is due, so they've been talking about that. I don't expect loads of presents, I'm not bothered but it's like he resents it all. He keeps saying 'I can't believe all this fuss when you only got me a mousemat.' 🙄

I dont know, am I being very unsympathetic to not really understand why he's so cross about it? I think half of his frustration is that I have admitted I don't see why he's making such a big deal if it. We'd just got married, we were on our dream holiday, wed just spent all of our money on us and I'd booked some birthday surprises. I see where he's coming from, kind of, and I have apologised, but I don't really get it.

I was given a mousemat I would throw it in the bin because I have never used one because they are completely unnecessary imho

If I sorry the keys are sticking on my wireless keyboard

He sounds spoilt. DH has both birthday on Christmas Day and every year tells me he doesn’t want anything because he’s got all he wants/needs (we are not massively well off by any stretch) and genuinely means it. (Makes actually buying him a gift a total pain in the arse as I still want to get him something but still!)

My birthday is at Christmas and I kind of see where her DH is coming from.

My birthday has always been over shadowed by everyone else's Christmas - people are busy so nothing special happens for my birthday, presents are limited by budget because it's an expensive time of year etc. I'm always told to get over myself, it's not their fault I was born at Christmas, yet when their birthdays come around its expected that a fuss is made - going out for a special dinner, fancy presents and the rest.

If you thought that the wedding and honeymoon were reasons why his birthday took a back seat then presumably you're ok with the imminent birth of your 1st child being a reason not to celebrate your 30th birthday? Basically, if you're ok with the same level of effort being put into your birthday as was put into his then yanbu. However, if you expect a fuss to be made of your birthday when his was a damp squib then I think yabu.

He needs to get a grip and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

I think he’s a dick to still be going on about it BUT I think your excuse of forgetting to get him a proper birthday gift because you were too tied up in wedding prep is a bit pathetic too TBH. Marriage is about wanting to be with the person you love most in the world and if you forget about days that are special to them because you’re too wrapped up in the “party” bit (which, when it’s a big expensive wedding, tends to end up being more about the bride than the groom anyway) suggests your priorities were skewed. My DH’s birthday is the day after Boxing Day but I can’t imagine ever forgetting to make the effort to get him something he’d like as a birthday present, no matter how bogged down in Christmas prep I might get.

I do agree that his attitude doesn’t bode well for the arrival of the baby so some counselling - and a commitment to draw a line under the whole mouse at saga - is a good idea.

*mousemat

You married the wrong person. It's okay - happens to about 50% of people.

Stop apologising to him though, and when he brings it up just walk away. Eventually he might stop if he stops getting the attention he craves.

He's being utterly ridiculous - you did arrange a birthday present but it's not your fault the flights were delayed!

I bought DH something for Christmas last year (think experience type thing) but the company went bankrupt and he couldn't use it, I will probably never see my £200 again. I repeatedly over the last year asked him what he wanted instead but he kept saying nothing because he didn't see why I should be even more out of pocket just for the sake of buying him a token gift that he didn't need. That's how grown ups behave IMO.

(I did get him something extra this year to make up for it but I probably wouldn't have if he'd behaved like a spoilt brat and moaned all year about it like your DH)

Was it his 30th this year too?

He's behaving like a brat

Your DH sounds like a nightmare. Any mature adult would appreciate you couldn't do the event you'd booked due to circumstances outside of your control and you got him a jokey present from the hotel shop.

I would however have claimed on insurance for the missed event and have done something when you were back. But as an adult, he should have spoken to you about booking an alternative if he was that bothered.

You could have the rest of your life dealing with this immature behaviour and poor communication. If you want to stay married I would spend the insurance money on some marriage counselling to improve communication before the baby arrives. Once kids arrive you often don't get the traditional birthday (all about me) day. The kids still need sorting, things still need doing, especially when they're little, not too sure how he's going to cope then.

Can't believe that you stayed with him after that tbh.

JolieOBrien It isn’t really specifically about the mouse mat as a product; the OP has explained how they had missed connecting flights and were stranded at an airport hotel so she only had a tacky touristy shop to pick up sweets and a “jokey” present- the mouse mat. Could’ve just as easily have been a snow globe, a mug, a magnet or other similar touristy gift.

He’s being a child, fuck knows what he’s going to be like when his child starts getting attention.

Remind him of the extras that you paid for and his damn birthday cake. If he wants to have it out with, you are more than happy to participate but you won’t have this pettiness brought up in defence of his refusal to act like a grown up. Every time he does it, makes you respect him a little less.

Call him out on his shit every time and if he is stupid enough to do broadcast his childishness in front of an audience, then call him out in front of an audience too.

He wants you to feel bad and to humiliate you, what kind of man does that make him?

Being me, I’d probably sternly tell him I don’t want to hear about the mousemat again. I’d have no patience for this wielding of it like some sort of weapon to be brought out and jabbed at you when he feels like pissing on your chips.
It’s not that he’s being pathetic, although he is, it’s that he has hung on to it and keeps bringing it up like a nasty trump card...and why is that? Is he really that bothered about birthday presents or it simply a stick to beat you with?

Either way he’d be cut off at the pass and told not to bring it up again.
How unattractive.

So you spent a fortune on a wedding and lavish honeymoon, he earns more than you and has been made redundant, and presumably you will be going on mat leave soon. Has he got another job?
I'm concerned that he will be resentful of any attention on your baby and will show his selfish side. He's showing signs that he will become controlling.

I wonder if the spoiled twat will use this an excuse to give you shit birthday presents now?
He’s already grudging you pregnancy related gifts from your family.
He doesn’t sound nice at all.

I can see both sides.

For me personally, gift giving is a big thing. When it’s someone I care about, especially DH, I put huge amounts of time and effort into finding something really special for him - this year was his 40th and his gift took me literally months to arrange, and he absolutely loves it.

To me, it’s how I show I love someone and know them well, doesn’t have to be expensive but I try to get them something I know they’ll love. To me gifts are really meaningful.

But I understand that not everyone feels the same way. I try not to take it personally that DH isn’t as thoughtful- he shows he loves me in other ways. He knows it’s important to me though so he does make an effort, just as I try to make an effort with the things that are meaningful and important to him.

He is clearly hurt by it, perhaps he should just grow up and drop it, but it has obviously upset him which is why he’s still bringing it up. There are plenty of posts here from women saying “it was my birthday and DH left it until the last minute, and just got me something from the shop down the road” and everyone responds that they understand why she’s so upset. It’s not the gift - it’s the lack of thought. You obviously did plan things that didn’t come off through no fault of your own so I do think he’s being unfair, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t hurt by it.

I’m not sure what you can really do about that months after the fact though, so he does need to drop it and focus on the future.

Of course the caveat to all this is whether he is thoughtful with gifts himself or just expects you to be thoughtful.

There are plenty of posts here from women saying “it was my birthday and DH left it until the last minute, and just got me something from the shop down the road” and everyone responds that they understand why she’s so upset.

They probably would, but not if the narrative included "and we'd just got married at vast expense and he had booked a special trip he knew I'd love but we had to miss it due to circumstances completely beyond our control"...

Was it his 30th birthday the year you got the mousemat?

For the hard of thinking, here's what OP got him for his birthday... I'd booked a couple of extra surprises for his birthday - a birthday cake and champagne to be in our room on arrival and a romantic moonlight horseride and picnic. She didn't just get him the mouse mat and it's not her fault they missed their connections and the birthday treat didn't happen. He sounds like a spoiled toddler and I'm sorry OP but it doesn't bode well.

Have a chat about love languages. People use them to express their love and to have love shown to them. That can be the same language or different...
so if I am a gift person I may give them to show my love or want them to show how much you love me. If that’s your hubby- your back of gift regardless of reason shows him you don’t love him. If you guys can talk about this now then that may help you both understand each other and move on.

I'd get him another mouse mat with 'I'm leaving you' printed on it.