I got my husband a mousemat for his birthday

[MousematsRule]

I've NC for this as it's possibly outing I think.

DH's birthday was a few days after we got married and one day into our honeymoon.
The honeymoon cost more than our wedding - it was DHs dream holiday - a 3.5 week tour of a far away country. We'd booked 3 extra days before the tour on a ranch and before the wedding, before the mad panic set in, I'd booked a couple of extra surprises for his birthday - a birthday cake and champagne to be in our room on arrival and a romantic moonlight horseride and picnic.

I didn't want to take a big present as we were travelling as light as possible for the tour. Also, we were literally cleaning ourselves out for the wedding. It wasn't as if we werent treating ourselves in the process either. As well as my dress, I got a pair of shoes I always wanted, he got a tailor made suit which cost as much as my dress and everything to go with it. I'm not keeping score, I'm just pointing out, that we were doing pretty well individually and wanted for nothing really.

I meant to get him something little to open but to be honest, the week before the wedding was incredibly busy. There just wasn't time and it left my head. I'm notoriously disorganised and trying to manage the event, pretty much single-handedly, as well as my business, and arranging for a month away straight after proved to be monumental.

I did think too, I could get something small and jokey while we were there and honestly thought in the circumstances, he wouldn't care about a wrapped present.

Anyway, our flights were delayed and we missed our connections. We ended up stranded for two days and had to miss the ranch. We woke up on his birthday in a crappy airport hotel with no luggage. I felt bad for him, and nipped to the shop to get a silly present. There was nothing to get, So I got a really tacky touristy mousemat and some sweets honestly thinking he'd see the funn y side.

I told him what I'd arranged and apologised but he was clearly gutted and deflated that I'd not got him anything. He thought as it was straight after wedding I'd have put some thought into a meaningful gift and I understood where he was coming from and felt bad and apologised again.

He still brings it up though and throws it back in weird ways - after ages of not mentioning it, it's cropped up a few times since Christmas. Eg I'm pregnant now and everyone is making a bit of a fuss about me. My mum bought me some nice maternity clothes and my sisters were asking if we'd done anything special for our last Christmas as a two. Also it's my 30th soon, two weeks before baby is due, so they've been talking about that. I don't expect loads of presents, I'm not bothered but it's like he resents it all. He keeps saying 'I can't believe all this fuss when you only got me a mousemat.' 🙄

I dont know, am I being very unsympathetic to not really understand why he's so cross about it? I think half of his frustration is that I have admitted I don't see why he's making such a big deal if it. We'd just got married, we were on our dream holiday, wed just spent all of our money on us and I'd booked some birthday surprises. I see where he's coming from, kind of, and I have apologised, but I don't really get it.

Don't you share your finances then? From what I can make out he is a higher earner and yet expects you to contribute equally to holidays, presents, trets, weddings etc - when you don't earn anywhere near as much as him. Then gets stroppy if you don't? Is that right?

As for the comment about getting a gift "just for being pregnant" - oh boy. He sounds horribly materialistic. Why isn't he filled with joy that you have created a new life together? Why isn't he looking after you and supporting you during your pregnancy, rather than bellyaching about material possessions?

Fucking hell, anyone else seeing red flags for potential financial abuse in the future?!

Hell yes! I can also see "they bought a gift for baby - where's mine? WAAH!!!!"

@LIZS no, not short but I think he got scared of how expensive Paris was and he didn't want to take anymore out. He told me he was taking me away for the weekend and to take spends. I took all the spare I had at the time but he was a bit annoyed that I hadn't been able to take enough to cover his spends as he was paying for the trip.

@CanIHaveADrink
He had quite a big redundancy pay out so has been living off that but it's dwindling now. We pool money as in we go halves on everything. His attempts at freelance are not going that well. So I think some of all this is him resenting me because mine is now. I don't know what will happen if his redundancy runs out and he hasn't started earning more. A bit of a way from that though

I think it was ok for him to be a bit put out at the time but he is using it as an excuse to never do anything nice for the OP again which is spiteful.
What sort of person uses a one time disappointment that has been apologised for as a reason to not make a fuss of their wife's pregnancy or 30th birthday. A man filled with that much resentment that he'll hold one crappy present over you forever is not someone I'd want to be with.

@MousematsRule

If I didn't know better I'd say you'd married my colleague.

Only he is already married - and divorced

He acts exactly like your dh, whatever his wife bought him he exchanged it, it was never the right thing.

Then he announced that his wife was pregnant. It wasn't in a nice way either, basically "Tracey must feel she needs even more attention, so she's finally done something I can't and is pregnant"

The same theme continued through the 9 months.

"David, this time six weeks you'll be changing nappies"

"Tracey wanted the baby, Tracey can change the nappies, what else will she do lying at home all day"

Reader, it came as no surprise that Tracey left David and went home to her parents when the baby is five days old.

She divorced him and he is now facing a court battle for access to the baby as she is claiming it was an abusive marriage.

Obviously I was never in their home with them but if his attitude is remotely like it can be in the office some days I 100% believe there was abuse there.

*Tracey and David are not their names.

It all sounds incredibly childish. My DH had a big birthday a couple of years ago and we were away on a dream holiday. I bought him a card. Being away together and having a lovely time was enough. We don't measure each other on how much we spend.

I despair that a child is coming into this relationship but I wish you well. I hope you can get him to see sense.

He hasn't got a job and you have a baby on the way, yet he expected a PlayStation for Christmas?!

OP. You need to reign in all spending now! You are heading for financial trouble unless you tackle his impossible expectations! I'm gobsmacked at his entitled and selfish attitude.

The fact you had to share a breakfast and lunch on the surprise birthday proposal trip he arrange because you had run out of money for an unknown expense is a massive red flag. Presumably he could have afforded to buy you those meals but chose not to as some sort of statement.

The more you write, the more I think your in for a rough ride here. I've had many disappointing birthdays over the years with DH so I understand the feelings but it sounds like the entire honeymoon was about him. You need to remind him of this and shut the conversation down.

The bigger problem imo is making your pregnant partner feel continuously crap and awkward when talking about her pregnancy. That's just not on. Abusive behaviour often starts in pregnancy, (though there were often a few flags before) so I would get some counselling ASAP before the baby arrives and hope it changes his view.

He expected you to provide all the spending money for him as well as you on your birthday trip/ proposal? That is not normal and not right. You need to get out of this “relationship”.

Your Paris update is alarming. You ran out of money so he made you share breakfast?
He expects a manbag because you're getting a changing bag? So the changing bag is yours is it? Nothing to do with him? Oh dear. Good job you have friends and family who are supportive.

My sisters were talking about getting me a nice bag to use after the baby is born and he's said he doesn't see why I should get a present for having a baby and if they're going to buy me a bag they should something for him.

he was a bit annoyed that I hadn't been able to take enough to cover his spends as he was paying for the trip

WOAH he expected YOU to pay for HIM on a trip he decided to book as a gift for you where he was planning to propose and presumably take all the credit for? And on top of that he didn’t check you could easily afford it either?

It just gets worse and worse.

And why are you going halfs on everything if he earns significantly more?

Please make sure you’ve got some money stashed away so you and the baby can leave quickly if you need to.

I think OP is now getting the full picture of what she's married into.

My sisters were talking about getting me a nice bag to use after the baby is born and he's said he doesn't see why I should get a present for having a baby and if they're going to buy me a bag they should something for him.

This has left me open-mouthed. Presumably you’re talking about a changing bag to use for the baby and your ‘D’H is getting prissy and jealous over it thinking he should get a gift too? It is very, very usual for pregnant women to be given gifts, usually things for the baby which obviously will benefit him as the father too but sometimes things for the woman such as chocolates, massage/ treatments, creams or bath stuff etc. What is he going to be like if you hold a baby shower? Even more worrying, what will he be like when the baby arrives? The baby is, rightly, going to be showered with gifts and attention when s/he arrives and your H will be pushed to the sidelines. Is he going to expect everyone who brings an outfit or toy for the baby to bring something for him? How will he cope when all of your attentions are on your newborn and not on him? He sounds like a complete manchild and I’d be worried you will see a huge surge in his jealousy when he realises there’s an actual baby requiring more care and attention than he needs. How will he cope when he realises that the baby is going to be a priority when it comes to spending and that it’s likely he will have to go without some of his wants to buy things for the baby? Also when people have children many people stop buying Christmas gifts for the parents, buying only for their offspring instead. Is he going to be able to cope with that?

Wow, OP - your DH is not very nice.

1. He did get a birthday present- the extra day in a favourite city. Keep saying this and stop apologising
2. If he earns more than you he should contribute that proportion more into the pot - is he expecting you to pay half whilst on mat leave
3. Do you want the rest of your life to he like this?

I think it will only get worse as he is jealous of "stuff" you get.

OP you are still trying to justify his behaviour - for your birthday trip he wanted you to cover his spends.

And you re going halves on everything - you will I suspect be writing soon when on maternity leave how you have no money and he does. Has he bought any baby stuff or is that all on you

This is not far from being financially abusive and I think a baby will push it over into being so

This can't be real?

He's so juvenile.

Does he have any good points? Why do you love him?

I mean, none of us would put up with this from our kids would we?

Wait until the baby arrives and he won't be the baby himself anymore. He needs to grow up.

Oh op, none of this sounds good at all ☹️

I don't actually have words to do justice to what a pathetic, childish little sap your husband sounds like.

He genuinely expects a gift when you get a practical bag for the baby? Jesus wept.

How do you manage finances on a day to day basis?

I just read your thread to my DH. He's appalled,

It's not just jokey comments, he keeps saying I am trying to get attention if I mention any pregnancy symptoms. My sisters were talking about getting me a nice bag to use after the baby is born and he's said he doesn't see why I should get a present for having a baby and if they're going to buy me a bag they should something for him.

I feel bad for you. That sounds really awful.

Has he always been the type to not let others shine, the type to compare, to never feel really grateful unless you spend a fortune on him? Does he always have to make everything about himself?

I have a close relative like that and while I do love her and appreciate that she has other qualities, she is very hard work. She would deny it up and down, but she is never truly content unless she is at the center of things and all are catering to her.

The guys sounds like an absolute dick.

Throw yourself a baby shower. Then send out a "gift list" with items on it for DH. Make it known he expects these things too. See how he feels then about everything being equal for him.

Please start thinking of a plan to go it without him, including saving whatever you can. Consider counselling for yourself and possibly as a couple. Many are wary of couples counselling where there is abuse (he sounds emotionally and financially abusive, at least is on the path to being so). However he sounds such a dick that the problems should be quite clear to the counsellor.