I got my husband a mousemat for his birthday

[MousematsRule]

I've NC for this as it's possibly outing I think.

DH's birthday was a few days after we got married and one day into our honeymoon.
The honeymoon cost more than our wedding - it was DHs dream holiday - a 3.5 week tour of a far away country. We'd booked 3 extra days before the tour on a ranch and before the wedding, before the mad panic set in, I'd booked a couple of extra surprises for his birthday - a birthday cake and champagne to be in our room on arrival and a romantic moonlight horseride and picnic.

I didn't want to take a big present as we were travelling as light as possible for the tour. Also, we were literally cleaning ourselves out for the wedding. It wasn't as if we werent treating ourselves in the process either. As well as my dress, I got a pair of shoes I always wanted, he got a tailor made suit which cost as much as my dress and everything to go with it. I'm not keeping score, I'm just pointing out, that we were doing pretty well individually and wanted for nothing really.

I meant to get him something little to open but to be honest, the week before the wedding was incredibly busy. There just wasn't time and it left my head. I'm notoriously disorganised and trying to manage the event, pretty much single-handedly, as well as my business, and arranging for a month away straight after proved to be monumental.

I did think too, I could get something small and jokey while we were there and honestly thought in the circumstances, he wouldn't care about a wrapped present.

Anyway, our flights were delayed and we missed our connections. We ended up stranded for two days and had to miss the ranch. We woke up on his birthday in a crappy airport hotel with no luggage. I felt bad for him, and nipped to the shop to get a silly present. There was nothing to get, So I got a really tacky touristy mousemat and some sweets honestly thinking he'd see the funn y side.

I told him what I'd arranged and apologised but he was clearly gutted and deflated that I'd not got him anything. He thought as it was straight after wedding I'd have put some thought into a meaningful gift and I understood where he was coming from and felt bad and apologised again.

He still brings it up though and throws it back in weird ways - after ages of not mentioning it, it's cropped up a few times since Christmas. Eg I'm pregnant now and everyone is making a bit of a fuss about me. My mum bought me some nice maternity clothes and my sisters were asking if we'd done anything special for our last Christmas as a two. Also it's my 30th soon, two weeks before baby is due, so they've been talking about that. I don't expect loads of presents, I'm not bothered but it's like he resents it all. He keeps saying 'I can't believe all this fuss when you only got me a mousemat.' 🙄

I dont know, am I being very unsympathetic to not really understand why he's so cross about it? I think half of his frustration is that I have admitted I don't see why he's making such a big deal if it. We'd just got married, we were on our dream holiday, wed just spent all of our money on us and I'd booked some birthday surprises. I see where he's coming from, kind of, and I have apologised, but I don't really get it.

They probably would, but not if the narrative included "and we'd just got married at vast expense and he had booked a special trip he knew I'd love but we had to miss it due to circumstances completely beyond our control"...

Which is why I literally ended that paragraph you only quoted part of with this:
You obviously did plan things that didn’t come off through no fault of your own so I do think he’s being unfair, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t hurt by it.

Op, it's concerning that he's equalling maternity clothes and people asking how you are as something that is a treat, a present, a luxury. He's comparing the maternity gear and attention with his birthday presents. It would be like comparing a jar of jam with an episode of The West Wing. There IS no comparison or remote link. It's absurd and worrying.

This is a life-changing time in your life and he is sullenly comparing it to a birthday and is feeling short-changed.

I do not think he is the type of guy to change the bed sheets because you're too exhausted with a new baby and feeding, but you'd dearly love a clean, fresh bed to get into. I'm not sure he will be poised ready to change the baby's nappy and bring you water and snacks and tea and even cut up your food for you if you're eating one-handed under a baby. Honestly, he sounds spoilt and fatherhood will be a shock.

Like pp said, either get counselling now, before the baby arrives, and possibly during the first couple of weeks, or sternly tell him that you understand his position on the bloody mouse mat and it's time to let it go and focus on the really massive important thing that is happening right now.

sink I’m not overly bothered by presents but I was with you until....

“ He is clearly hurt by it, perhaps he should just grow up and drop it, but it has obviously upset him which is why he’s still bringing it up. There are plenty of posts here from women saying “it was my birthday and DH left it until the last minute, and just got me something from the shop down the road” and everyone responds that they understand why she’s so upset. It’s not the gift - it’s the lack of thought. You obviously did plan things that didn’t come off through no fault of your own so I do think he’s being unfair, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t hurt by it.”

Hurt by it? Are you serious? Just what was she expected to do under the circumstances? How can he be hurt that she didn’t produce a thoughtful gift for him while spending two days stranded in an airport hotel? She had organised a sodding moonlit pony ride for Princey, as well as forked out for him to have his dream honeymoon. OP doesn’t sound arsed about going to a bloody ranch!

Nah - it’s not on. OP has already acknowledged his upset and apologised (even though she didn’t have to). The circumstances were beyond her control and he is being a shit. He’s not hurt, he’s selfish.

Having been on the receiving end of a very similar gift once , I know how he feels .It's the lack of thought . You say you are notoriously disorganised but yet you managed to do all the arrangements for wedding and honeymoon and one that "cleaned you out" ?

mum4fergus

He's being unreasonable because you booked two lovely birthday surprises for him and it wasn't your fault that he didn't get them due to circumstances beyond your control. I'd just keep saying that whenever he mentions the mousemat - "but DH remember I also got you the champagne and the horse ride".

He's being a twat but maybe he's trying to be funny? It is the sort of thing that couples joke about - "remember the year I bought you that lovely present and you got me socks" etc.

He just needs to drop it now. You DID arrange something for his birthday, it's no ones fault that he wasn't able to make the most of his gift. You need to think of a quick reply that puts that across and use it every time he mentions it. It will be v interesting, and v telling what he does on your 30th.

He sounds spoilt and like you normally pander to him - especially if the honeymoon was more his dream holiday than yours. It seems like he can't handle something not being solely about him. He needs to grown up fast now you're expecting.

Did he get any of the gifts you arranged when you finally got to hotel?

You turn around and say 'yes, I got you a mousemat, AND a romantic moonlit ride and picnic AND a birthday cake and champagne.' He's being such a twerp, he really needs to grow up.

We barely get each other anything for birthday or Christmas. Too busy trying to save and it always feels like an indulgence too far. Our birthdays are within a week of each other though so we always make that joint decision. This year we ordered an Indian and that was literally it!

He shouldn't keep bringing it up, that's really stroppy. Saying you don't see why it's a big deal wouldn'tve helped though. :)) But you've apologised and that should be the end of it.

He seriously needs to grow up, if his nose is put out of joint because he got a mousemat after a lavish wedding and honeymoon he's going to get the shock of his life when baby arrives.

I think too many people think marriage is about the big fancy do, the lovely outfit and all the attention and the holiday of a lifetime and forget its actually about sharing your life with the person you love. He needs to get his priorities straight.

How can he be hurt that she didn’t produce a thoughtful gift for him while spending two days stranded in an airport hotel? She had organised a sodding moonlit pony ride for Princey, as well as forked out for him to have his dream honeymoon

Why couldn't she have bought him a gift before going on honeymoon and taken it with her? Failing that, she didn't encounter a shop at all for the rest of the time they were on holiday or even when they returned home?

Where do you get that she forked out on the honeymoon from? She clearly says that he earned more than she does and presumably they both paid for wedding and honeymoon? So, essentially, if the honeymoon was his birthday present then he paid for it as well as the op.

This is where posts like this annoy me. As I've said, my birthday is on Christmas Day and I'm used to my birthday just being tagged on to what would otherwise be a Christmas celebration. So, say a meal out, to essentially celebrate Christmas with friends and family, will be re labelled as also being for my birthday if I ever bring up that I haven't done anything for my birthday but at the same time all of those present will want to do something exclusively for their birthdays when the time comes. In my mind we should do something for Christmas and then something for my birthday or, if everyone only wants to go.out once, then something exclusively for my birthday.

I can see why re labelling the honeymoon as basically his birthday present is hurtful. It wasn't a birthday trip it was the honeymoon. If it was meant to be both then that should have been agreed beforehand. She could have bought a small thoughtful birthday gift and taken it with her. It didn't have to be big nor expensive but would have expressed the sentiment. A cake is just standard for a birthday isn't it (and he didn't even get it). Was his birthday recognised at all? Did you go.out for a meal or do anything to celebrate his birthday?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

My birthday is at Christmas and I kind of see where her DH is coming from.

That's completely different though, yours is every year, and totally understandable, he is on honeymoon, and through circumstances beyond ops control his birthday was a bit of a damp squib

Which is why I said “I do think he’s being unfair”, but often human beings do have feelings that are unreasonable. Doesn’t mean they don’t have those feelings. He was obviously expecting her to do something special for his birthday because it meant something to him - yes, in an ideal world he would completely understand that she’d planned something special that they couldn’t do and it wasn’t her fault, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t upset that the end result was a mouse mat and some sweets.

If this were me, would I keep bringing it up months later? Absolutely not, but I do understand being upset about something even though logically you know you shouldn’t be - none of us are perfect. I think extrapolating that he’ll be a terrible husband and father because of this is a bit harsh, that’s all.

He sounds like a toddler.

Well said mrsdoyle although I don’t think he needs to grow up so much as get over himself. I assume he’s old enough to be held accountable as an adult now.
That he is envious of OP receiving maternity gifts from her family to the point of bringing up the mousemat, suggests his sense of entitlement is rather inflated.
People do grow up but I’m not sure he’ll grow out of being selfish.

OP - I think it’s time for you to address this and ask him to lay it to rest for good. He surely can’t argue that he’s owed mileage out of it yet?

Fair dos sinkgirl I won’t argue with you as we are all different.

I think we can all agree that for him to keep bringing it up so long after the event, isn’t on.

He’s obviously someone who shows love through gifts, so probably wouldn’t have been happy with the experiences you’d arranged either, he probably wanted a physical gift.

I think a serious talk is in order with him, he can’t keep bringing it up forever and if he wants something specific he’s got to tell you, he can’t expect you to guess. Ask him what he would’ve done in those circumstances?

That's completely different though, yours is every year, and totally understandable, he is on honeymoon, and through circumstances beyond ops control his birthday was a bit of a damp squib

But it would have been relatively easy to ameliorate had the op wanted to.

She could have thought about it beforehand and taken a small gift with her. We were on holiday for my DH birthday one year. I knew what present he wanted but it was too big to take so I wrapped up a picture of it and took it with us, then we went out for a meal and I arranged for a cake at the hotel. Beijing away on holiday as a family didn't mean that he got no recognition of his birthday.

Even having not tried to rectify the situation while away the op could at the very least have sympathised with her DH when he brought it up the first time rather than telling him that she didn't think it was a big deal. I think it's probably her attitude about it rather than the lack of a gift that is behind his reaction.

I think.it would have been better to have given him an IOU rather than a mouse mat when the and fell through. Better than giving him the equivalent of a bunch of garage forecourt flowers and expecting him to accept that as his present and to be grateful. Acknowledge that due to reasons outside of her control his birthday was a bit shit and she understands his feelings about it rather than telling him he did get a present and that it's no big deal.

You could ask if he wants divorce papers for his next birthday

Doesn't sound like he's ready for grown up stuff like marriage and fatherhood. Good that you have a great family, OP. I think you'll need their support in the near future.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras, your situation is completely different though.
For you EVERY SINGKE birthday is sort of lost in the middle of Christmas.
The OP is talking about ONE occasion. ONE TIME when her DH didn’t get the presents he expected because of circumstances out of his and her . If they hadn’t been stranded, he would have got a very nice present (champagne with cake and a horse ride - quite a nice present imo!).
Is it really OK for him to go on and on and still be ‘hurt’ about something the OP couldnt control?

Plus I am sure they will have had many other birthdays before where he would have received presents and be well looked after anyway.

@MousematsRule, have you actually told him all that?
That he is pathetic about throwing s trop for something you couodnt control?
That he is been spoiled and stroppy bringing that again and again?
And that, if he can’t and couodnt see how you tried to lightened the moon in the circumstances, then he is completely lacking a sense of humour and the ability to laugh at himself.

Because atm he seems to be acting like a selfish twat throwing a temper tantrum when things don’t go his way, one that is also happy to use you as an emotional punching ball when things don’t go as planned.
I actually think you need to make a stance here and highlight your boundaries before he expects that everything needs to be his way and that he is allowed to be as miserable as sin if he doesn’t get his way.

He sounds like a big baby. I hope, for your sake, he changes his attitude before the baby arrives (doesn't sound likely though)

I think he's got a point. I want Dh to show he's given it thought. That's all.