I got my husband a mousemat for his birthday

[MousematsRule]

I've NC for this as it's possibly outing I think.

DH's birthday was a few days after we got married and one day into our honeymoon.
The honeymoon cost more than our wedding - it was DHs dream holiday - a 3.5 week tour of a far away country. We'd booked 3 extra days before the tour on a ranch and before the wedding, before the mad panic set in, I'd booked a couple of extra surprises for his birthday - a birthday cake and champagne to be in our room on arrival and a romantic moonlight horseride and picnic.

I didn't want to take a big present as we were travelling as light as possible for the tour. Also, we were literally cleaning ourselves out for the wedding. It wasn't as if we werent treating ourselves in the process either. As well as my dress, I got a pair of shoes I always wanted, he got a tailor made suit which cost as much as my dress and everything to go with it. I'm not keeping score, I'm just pointing out, that we were doing pretty well individually and wanted for nothing really.

I meant to get him something little to open but to be honest, the week before the wedding was incredibly busy. There just wasn't time and it left my head. I'm notoriously disorganised and trying to manage the event, pretty much single-handedly, as well as my business, and arranging for a month away straight after proved to be monumental.

I did think too, I could get something small and jokey while we were there and honestly thought in the circumstances, he wouldn't care about a wrapped present.

Anyway, our flights were delayed and we missed our connections. We ended up stranded for two days and had to miss the ranch. We woke up on his birthday in a crappy airport hotel with no luggage. I felt bad for him, and nipped to the shop to get a silly present. There was nothing to get, So I got a really tacky touristy mousemat and some sweets honestly thinking he'd see the funn y side.

I told him what I'd arranged and apologised but he was clearly gutted and deflated that I'd not got him anything. He thought as it was straight after wedding I'd have put some thought into a meaningful gift and I understood where he was coming from and felt bad and apologised again.

He still brings it up though and throws it back in weird ways - after ages of not mentioning it, it's cropped up a few times since Christmas. Eg I'm pregnant now and everyone is making a bit of a fuss about me. My mum bought me some nice maternity clothes and my sisters were asking if we'd done anything special for our last Christmas as a two. Also it's my 30th soon, two weeks before baby is due, so they've been talking about that. I don't expect loads of presents, I'm not bothered but it's like he resents it all. He keeps saying 'I can't believe all this fuss when you only got me a mousemat.' 🙄

I dont know, am I being very unsympathetic to not really understand why he's so cross about it? I think half of his frustration is that I have admitted I don't see why he's making such a big deal if it. We'd just got married, we were on our dream holiday, wed just spent all of our money on us and I'd booked some birthday surprises. I see where he's coming from, kind of, and I have apologised, but I don't really get it.

@SpicyRibs thank you

Did you get a refund, if so maybe you could find an alternative treat now, before baby comes

We did and we used it to pay for an extra nights accommodation in the next city - a city DH had dreamed about going all his life and football tickets.

Did you get him a nice Xmas present?
I did, I made a lot of effort. But he didn't get what he wanted. DH is one of those people who dont understand what being 'skint' is like. He's always been a saver and has a well paid job. I had a lowly paid job which I left to start by own business just before we met. It's been going well but for a long time I had to reinvest what I earned in equipment etc and then we had the wedding to pay for.

For my birthday two years ago, he took me to Paris as a surprise and proposed which was amazing. But Paris was really expensive. I spent £200 and ran out and he was really annoyed. I hadn't been expecting it so the expenditure, and ended up sharing a breakfast and lunch on the last day. I'd have preferred to make the most of Paris rather than the big ring but ever since he's always said I need to get a big present like he got me.

He wanted a PlayStation for Christmas but he knows I don't have £300. Especially as the wedding has been this year. So yeah, he had a nice present, but not what he wanted.

To be honest, I'm getting a bit sick of the tit for tat. I work really hard and appreciate what I've got, but it's never enough. It's not just jokey comments, he keeps saying I am trying to get attention if I mention any pregnancy symptoms. My sisters were talking about getting me a nice bag to use after the baby is born and he's said he doesn't see why I should get a present for having a baby and if they're going to buy me a bag they should something for him.

It's a side to him I don't like

Somebody asked how I could organise a wedding and forget his present. It was horrible to be honest, the week or two leading up, things went wrong with my work and I had to make arrangements for when we were away, a lot of the wedding was home made so there was a lot to do. It was a bit shit of me to forget I was overwhelmed and didn't have a lot of help.

Counselling is a good shout - I'm feeling fed up with it when it should be a happy time.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras, are you REALLY saying that she should have known that they would end up stranded in an airport hotel for two days, on the day of his birthday, before they left for their honeymoon? Or even during their trip?

You do realise that being stranded isn’t something you normally plan do you?

The only way your ‘plan’ would work is if the OP had decided to take a physical present with her for her DH. She decided not to as she had planned an experience gift, the champagne etc... and what’s wrong with that when you are travelling?!?
And what about the IOU? You mean that her DH isn’t an adult enough to realise that some stuff is out of your control and yes he might have missed on his present (if he actually did rather than it just being delayed) so it has to be compensated in other ways?

I think your own circumstances are clouding your judgement there tbh.

CanIHaveADrink

I.dont think.it is different for.me really.

I also don't think.it would help for the op to tell him that he's over reacting, being stroppy, behaving like a toddler either. I think that's the root of this tbh. His birthday, by anyone's standards, was a bit rubbish. Why can't that be acknowledged? His feelings around this, whether we think they are justified or not, aren't being acknowledged. He's being told that he's wrong for feeling the way that he does but the truth is, that's how he feels. Op needs to acknowledge that with him. That she understands that he feels hurt about it, that she did try and it didn't go according to plan but that she understands his feelings about it. Truth of the matter is, reading between the lines, his birthday was rather forgotten about and the cake and horse ride were an after thought by the op.

I don't think it's at all reasonable to be telling op to divorce him over this, as some posters are saying. That's just ridiculous.

@MousematsRule, you mean that even now you are married, you haven’t pooled your finances? Even with a baby in the way?
That he is being annoyed at you not having enough money to buy your a PlayStation that he could afford anyway.
Amd all that despite the fact he didn’t have a job for a while (I do hope he is working again and you are not subsidising him)?

Interesting too to see that he did actually get his birthday present even though it wasn’t what it was supposed to be in the first place....

The picture you are painting is one of an ungrateful brat tbh.

I think he's being ridiculous! Was it a big birthday?! 30th or 40th??

Even so, you did get him a present?! Champagne and cake for the room and a horse ride and picnic experience?! It's not your fault you were delayed...

I don't understand his problem. He's acting very childish. And grabby. I think you need to thrash this out once and for all to avoid it coming up in the future.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras, his birthday was rubbish when he had a few days in a city he really wanted to visit AND tickets for a football match he wanted to see?

You mean that, as an adult, he can’t possibly cope for his birthday not to be on the day and he is allowed to use the Op as emotional punching bag ‘because he is disappointed that his birthday doesn’t live up to HIS standards’.

Wow....

Sorry but he IS behaving like a toddler and being stroppy if he can’t cope with a change of circumtances.

He's being an absolute arse about the present and about you getting attention for being pregnant. He needs to grow up. Call him on his pettiness every time eg the next time he and DSIS are together say 'DSIS, DH thinks he should get a present too' He's being ridiculous and the reaction of other people will highlight that to him.

But, it sounds as though you have both had a lot of changes in a short period of time:new business; wedding; redundancy; pregnancy. They're all major adjustments and it could be that neither of you have really taken the time to talk about or deal with the emotions they throw up. Counselling would be a good idea.

Counselling will also help you to enforce boundaries when he tries to put a dampener on your honeymoon or your pregnancy. Congratulations on the latter too!

So he had football tickets for his birthday instead. Remind him of that.

Why would you have to scrimp when he had paid to take you away to Paris? Was he short too? It sounds as if you had different views on finances, have you now reconciled this?

It's a side to him I don't like

I wouldn’t like it either. What on earth is he going to be like when the baby is born.....?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

I apologised at the time, I told him what I'd planned and explained why. He knew I felt bad.

After he's brought it up a few times six months later, I have told him I think he needs to get over it yes

CanIHaveADrink

No, what I'm saying is that rather than, at the last minute, ordering a few bits on holiday (the pony trek and cake) it might have been better to have actually bought him a present and that if she couldn't have taken the present on holiday for practical reasons or too big, that a picture of it or an IOU would have been better.

Reading the last update the op is saying that basically she forgot his birthday because the couple of weeks leading up to it were crazy die to wedding planning but his birthday wasn't a surprise was it? She would have known it was coming up and was going to be while they were on honeymoon so why leave it until the 2 weeks before to think about a gift?

I'm.not sure how I feel about this. Op is clearly trying to excuse not buying presents because of lack of time or money yet admits to them spending whatever they wanted on the wedding yet other comments about her DH sound worrying.

The more op writes the more it sounds like counselling is the way to go. This sounds like there's a lot more to this than just him getting a mouse mat for his birthday.

I hardly ever swear. But I have just read your update about your sisters wanting to buy you a nice bag for after the baby is born. He is whining and moaning about that and thinks they should buy him a present too!
I would tell him to fuck the fuck right off and never come back.

But Paris was really expensive. I spent £200 and ran out and he was really annoyed. I hadn't been expecting it so the expenditure, and ended up sharing a breakfast and lunch on the last day.

He wanted a PlayStation for Christmas but he knows I don't have £300. Especially as the wedding has been this year. So yeah, he had a nice present, but not what he wanted.

I work really hard and appreciate what I've got, but it's never enough.

He keeps saying I am trying to get attention if I mention any pregnancy symptoms. My sisters were talking about getting me a nice bag to use after the baby is born and he's said he doesn't see why I should get a present for having a baby and if they're going to buy me a bag they should something for him.

Fucking hell, anyone else seeing red flags for potential financial abuse in the future?!

Your update makes him seem so much worse!

OP you need to make shut him down after each and every one of these types of comments and make it crystal clear this is unacceptable.

I’m mystified by the IO’s description of the birthday surprise/ proposal in Paris. It was your birthday surprise but he got cross when you ran out of money and couldn’t afford a meal? But he should have paid for it if it was your birthday surprise! That is shocking.

Aaargh OP red flags!!! Who takes someone on a surprise holiday and then gets annoyed they can’t afford it?

It sounds like he could become financially abusive, please be careful.

He took you to Paris for your birthday but expected you to produce the spends to fund your trip? He was annoyed you couldn’t afford it?

The more you say the more I think you’re in for rough ride with this one. He sounds selfish and spoiled. He’s greedy for things and greedy for the top spot. I don’t know what you’re supposed to do with that so I won’t advise you.
Fatherhood may be challenging for him.

I wish you well. Hope he can pull his head out of his arse.

I think Isadora is spot on with the 5 languages of love.

I am someone who appreciates receiving gifts and spending quality time together. Whilst for my DH, words of affirmation and physical touch are the things that make him feel loved. It doesn't mean that the person who needs gifts is materialistic. Some of my favourite gifts from my DH are a photo album and a mix tape.

I would have bought something meaningful beforehand and popped it into my luggage to give to him on the day. If he is someone who experiences feeling loved and appreciated through gifts then the activities you arranged probably wouldn't feel like gifts for him. If it was his 30th I can understand why it rankles even more now when he can see you are going to have a big fuss made for yours and he feels his went flat.

Unfortunately the circumstances contributed to giving him a crap birthday. It would probably benefit you both to talk about what happened and what your 'love languages' are.

I'm not usually into self help mumbo-jumbo but this approach has really helped my relationship.

I think you should discuss what happened and how you both feel. Also I don't think it is too late to do something special for him. You could try a do-over surprise (a gift) to show that you 'get it'.

So every time he says he got nothing say loudly to everyone around him - no you got a night in x city and football tickets!

And every time a family member offers you a gift like a baby bag - say, oh make sure you get one for my DH otherwise I cannot have one. And if they offer you maternity clothes - say loudly in front of him and the giver - please can you take half of these back and buy DH a jumper as he cannot cope being left out. Basically make sure your givers know what he is like!!! How long will he continue the - oh no you have a bag to carry around nappies and Indid not get anything saga for!?

Sorry bold fail!

He does sound a bit obsessive about presents. You need a discussion about how unfair it is to blame you for not spending money that you don't have, and how the marriage really isn't going to last if he doesn't get this into proportion.

Its 2020 and young women are still putting up with dicks like this.

He had is birthday present. You thought about what he would like and bought him an extra trip you knew he would like. When travel problems stopped him enjoying it you used the refund to buy him another trip he would enjoy.

Why are you apologising for this? Is he five?

I'm mystified by all of the people who think champagne with cake and a moonlit horse ride wasn't a sufficient effort. FFS! Are you all toddlers who need a pressie to physically open?

Your updates are also very concerning.

OK just read your big update. Please ignore everything I just posted. He's a Dick!

Don’t tell him he needs to get over it. He is deliberately nursing it.
Tell him YOU are over it.