I got my husband a mousemat for his birthday

[MousematsRule]

I've NC for this as it's possibly outing I think.

DH's birthday was a few days after we got married and one day into our honeymoon.
The honeymoon cost more than our wedding - it was DHs dream holiday - a 3.5 week tour of a far away country. We'd booked 3 extra days before the tour on a ranch and before the wedding, before the mad panic set in, I'd booked a couple of extra surprises for his birthday - a birthday cake and champagne to be in our room on arrival and a romantic moonlight horseride and picnic.

I didn't want to take a big present as we were travelling as light as possible for the tour. Also, we were literally cleaning ourselves out for the wedding. It wasn't as if we werent treating ourselves in the process either. As well as my dress, I got a pair of shoes I always wanted, he got a tailor made suit which cost as much as my dress and everything to go with it. I'm not keeping score, I'm just pointing out, that we were doing pretty well individually and wanted for nothing really.

I meant to get him something little to open but to be honest, the week before the wedding was incredibly busy. There just wasn't time and it left my head. I'm notoriously disorganised and trying to manage the event, pretty much single-handedly, as well as my business, and arranging for a month away straight after proved to be monumental.

I did think too, I could get something small and jokey while we were there and honestly thought in the circumstances, he wouldn't care about a wrapped present.

Anyway, our flights were delayed and we missed our connections. We ended up stranded for two days and had to miss the ranch. We woke up on his birthday in a crappy airport hotel with no luggage. I felt bad for him, and nipped to the shop to get a silly present. There was nothing to get, So I got a really tacky touristy mousemat and some sweets honestly thinking he'd see the funn y side.

I told him what I'd arranged and apologised but he was clearly gutted and deflated that I'd not got him anything. He thought as it was straight after wedding I'd have put some thought into a meaningful gift and I understood where he was coming from and felt bad and apologised again.

He still brings it up though and throws it back in weird ways - after ages of not mentioning it, it's cropped up a few times since Christmas. Eg I'm pregnant now and everyone is making a bit of a fuss about me. My mum bought me some nice maternity clothes and my sisters were asking if we'd done anything special for our last Christmas as a two. Also it's my 30th soon, two weeks before baby is due, so they've been talking about that. I don't expect loads of presents, I'm not bothered but it's like he resents it all. He keeps saying 'I can't believe all this fuss when you only got me a mousemat.' 🙄

I dont know, am I being very unsympathetic to not really understand why he's so cross about it? I think half of his frustration is that I have admitted I don't see why he's making such a big deal if it. We'd just got married, we were on our dream holiday, wed just spent all of our money on us and I'd booked some birthday surprises. I see where he's coming from, kind of, and I have apologised, but I don't really get it.

You don't need to rush into divorce if you don't want to. There's nothing stopping you separating, seeking counselling, thinking about things

Exactly

Thank you everybody for the supportive comments, it's been good to get it off my chest and get confirmation that a lot of it isnt reasonable.

I dont feel abused. I just feel this guilt all the time for thinking like I do. He got sick of his job and said he wanted to go freelance, I encouraged him, even said if needed to we could work together to start him off, but now he says I persuaded him. And I think 'did I?' I didn't think I did. But it makes me feel kind of responsible for how he's being. I strongly feel a lot of it is to do with him feeling out of control and worried.

He had said when I first got pregnant, he'd like to do a lot of the childcare so I can keep my jobs going but now he says he doesn't think that's for him. I'm lucky in that my work can be flexible and home based and intend to have a couple of months off anyway. I have options and offers of help etc.

We live in a house he bought when we first got together. And no, I'm not on the mortgage yet, which again is my fault but I don't really care. If I leave, I'll sort myself out, I wouldn't want the aggro.

You don't sound materialistic at all, @MousematsRule hmm.

I'm getting a lot of comments about being materialistic. Which is fine but not really true - I rarely buy things, I invest in my business.

The wedding cost a few thousand pounds and was paid for jointly by me and DH. As I've said before, a lot was home made by me to save on costs. My parents gave each us siblings a few thousand on getting married, to spend on a wedding or however we chose. We decided on a brilliant trip. My wedding dress was a sample dress and yes my extravagance was shoes, which I'll wear forever cos I love them so much.

My parents got me maternity clothes for Christmas as they know I dont often treat myself and told me they are proud of how well I've done and deserve a treat. The same goes for why my sisters wanted to buy me a nice bag.

Ive decided I'm going to speak to one of my sisters for some RL advice, again thank you to everyone for being so kind and taking the time out to help xx

Mousemats - expect an outpouring of love and support from your family. Let them help you.
You don't sound materialistic to me. Your DH does. He also sounds like a lot of other things, none of them desirable in a partner or father.

You sound like a very kind and caring person. If your parents are anything like you, they will not be upset. I hope you get the support you need from your sister.

I would be concerned that he will expect you to go back to work to earn money for both of you and do all the childcare yourself while he...does what exactly?

Ugh, how did you even have sex with this man-child?

Get out of there. It’s an awful marriage.

I'm glad you're going to speak to your sister IRL.
I don't think its going to improve. A living relationship does not involve one party feeling guilt all the time.
I'd go and stay with a relative for a break to clear your mind before baby arrives.

I don't think you seem materialistic at all, he does, but not just that, awfully self centred, to be jealous of his wife who is carrying his baby getting maternity clothes and a baby bag gifted to them is just too weird.

He also sounds so controlling with the not allowing you to eat what you want, embarrassing you in front of the service woman too.

Talk to your sister about it.
How far along are you?

@MousematsRule glad you’re going to talk to your sister. RL support is key. Good luck

Making you feel guilty and responsible for his poor decisions is gaslighting.

mousemat you don’t at all seem materialistic to me.

I’ve given my DH mousemats for presents before. He either liked them or if he didn't he still very graciously said thank you and never mentioned them again! Do speak to your sister and get help in RL. Don’t throw your marriage away straight away if you think you can work through this but equally don’t feel you have to if it’s not right for you (and your DH does sound a twat).

Just read the whole thread and I'm angry for you. He's awful and I really hope you manage to get out if that's what you want. I think you deserve better and it will only get worse when the baby arrives. I've bought some awful presents for my DP and he's never complained, just doesn't mention them ever again! He sounds very spoilt, selfish and immature.

I'm glad you have RL support too. Good luck.

I am sure all those saying that he is being childish or worse would be saying the same thing if he had got you a mouse mat for your birthday.
The trip was your honeymoon, just because you think you did more stuff for him than you, doesn't automatically mean it is an excuse not to get him anything, in the same way as if you had spent more money on your bride's dress than his suit it wouldnt be ok for him to ignore your birthday for the next XX number of years.
Also you say the time before the wedding was stressful but I would seen that as a poor excuse unless you didnt know his birthday was due till 7 days beforehand.
You have had time to get something else on your return,but haven't so obviously think this lack of thought is acceptable. I for one think I would be very upset if the shoe was on the other foot.

HIM - 'I can't believe all this fuss when you only got me a mousemat.'
YOU – ‘Well that’s not true at all, you ungrateful little cretin. I also ordered you a lovely cake, champagne, moonlight horse ride and a picnic. Hardly my fault it didn’t happen. I’m not in charge of air traffic control – so fuck off and get some perspective before I leave your sorry arse. If I hear this one more time, I’m outta here, so drop it’
Job done!!!!!! Honestly OP, I’ve no idea where he is coming from on this.
I think he’s jealous. I think he likes all the attention. This might not pan out as well as you had hoped. Those are all traits of a narcissist!!! Tell him that from me!!!

I spent £200 and ran out and he was really annoyed This is NOT good!
he's always said I need to get a big present like he got me And… it gets worse!
and if they're going to buy me a bag they should something for him As soon as he can grow a human being in his body, and push it out of a tiny hole, then he can have a present!

Honestly OP, he does not sound like a nice person.
He resents you for everything.
Why did you marry him?
Because from here, he sounds like a prize cunt!!!

Cheese There are often posts asking if they are being U in being disappointed. Usually the OP is told YABU unless they literally got nothing or, like one PP, tickets for her DHs fave football game when she hates football.

If an OP posted she was on honeymoon with a rucksack, he had organised something but it had been disrupted she would be told either YABU or its ok to be upset but don't tell him as it isn't his fault and he tried.

You didn't do well in a choice of husband, or father of your future children, sadly.

@Acheekyfinger

I've bought some awful presents for my DP and he's never complained

Can I ask why you've bought him awful presents repeatedly?

You say he's never complained....but I know someone who's wife made little effort on his birthday. Always promising a gift was coming that never materialised.

While this wasn't the reason they divorced....he did tell me it was something he didn't like.

You see the feeling of the recipient is you dont care enough about them to bother...or you simply can't be arsed. It's the message behind getting awful presents...which kind of shows person doesn't know their OH that well when it's a regular thing.

He's an arsehole. Good that you're telling your sisters because he is being awful and you don't deserve it.

I am sure all those saying that he is being childish or worse would be saying the same thing if he had got you a mouse mat for your birthday.. No, I wouldn’t, even if that was the only thing given, which it wasn’t.

@Cheeseandwin5 have you read the whole thread?!

This has gone way much further than a bloody mouse mat!

And she didn't just get him a mouse mat anyway?! She got him a romantic picnic and a horse ride (which was cancelled beyond her control) but then a trip to his favourite city and then football tickets!

Oh my goodness!!

@SandyY2K I just got them wrong. Like he loves Game of Thrones so I bought him a T-shirt related to that but he's never worn it, says it's not the kind of thing he'd wear. I bought him a book about the rise of video games because that's his hobby but he's never read it, not interested. He's incredibly hard to buy for so now I just ask for a list and choose from that! 🤷‍♀️

I've read all your updates. The more you post, the more he sounds like a selfish man child. He sounds really immature and the things you say about 'I dont see why you should get a present because you're pregnant, I should get one too' is just bizarre - it reminds me of a sibling type rivalry when you're 8 and get really annoyed if your sibling gets a larger slice of cake and you demand the bigger ice cream to go with it to make it 'fair'.

A marriage doesn't work like that though. There are times when one of you has to work harder to support the other one, emotionally, practically, financially etc. Its not always going to be reasonable or practical to make everything 'fair'.

In your case it doesnt sound fair though. You do a load of work to make a cheap wedding without his support. Despite earning less at the time of planning, you pay half of everything. The honeymoon sounded all about him. And instead of being grateful that you've organised a wedding and he gets his dream holiday after, he is focussing on one negative thing.

The things he is saying about you and the baby though is massive red flags and show that impending fatherhood has NOT helped him to grow up. He 'doesn't think childcare is for him'!? Well though luck! He thinks you shouldn't get any treats for putting your body though 9 months of being uncomfortable, sacrificing things you enjoy, and medical appointments and childbirth, without giving him equal treats for having sex 9 months ago?

Worse is his attitude to your pregnancy experience, this is meant to be the time you can rely on him for support but you cant mention anything without him accusing you of 'attention seeking'. This is not the action of a loving supportive partner

My sisters were talking about getting me a nice bag to use after the baby is born and he's said he doesn't see why I should get a present for having a baby and if they're going to buy me a bag they should something for him

Tell him if he really wants a nappy bag and will use it in order to do his full share of nappy changing, you'll be happy to get him a lovely nappy bag of his very own. You'll even embroider his name on it.

What a twat.

Also you say the time before the wedding was stressful but I would seen that as a poor excuse unless you didnt know his birthday was due till 7 days beforehand.

But it's not an excuse, @Cheeseandwin5. She took the trouble to arrange a birthday cake and champagne and a special trip for his birthday; when that fell through, she went to more trouble to arrange an alternative that he would like. That's ample.

It was never about the fucking mousemate. It was about beginning to abuse and control you because you had now sadly married the git.
This always gets worse with pregnancy and he will be an even worse dick when the baby arrives. I would go and find that mousemat, shove it up his whiny arse and pack my bags.