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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

439 replies

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:34

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Zaphodsotherhead · 09/01/2020 17:13

He just has to have the last word, doesn't he? Even if it makes him sound like an utter twat.

I do hope divorce proceedings are underway.

Belleende · 09/01/2020 17:30

Wow, I think the health and safety of his children trumps his 'wishes'. He does sound a bit deranged and fixated on this piss poor idea. Has he generally been a bit of a shit or is this a recent change in behaviour.

Interestedwoman · 09/01/2020 18:09

@sleepyhorse What a wanker. What're your plans? When can you escape?

StrawberryJam200 · 09/01/2020 18:23

This type of man will always claim they know better than any professional or expert in any field they choose. And that it’s ALWAYS your fault.
Nod and wave, OP!

Equanimitas · 09/01/2020 18:26

Idiot. He does know that the inspector would have come round at some point anyway, whether you called him in or not, doesn't he?

FraglesRock · 09/01/2020 19:01

What
A

Nob
!

bd67th · 09/01/2020 19:02

🎶D.I.V.O.R.C.E.🎶

Sooner rather than later. Someone who blames you for his unsafe structure being condemned is not someone safe to be around. What else has he worked on that might be unsafe?

Zofloramummy · 09/01/2020 19:36

Those steps are baby safe??!!! He is delusional and obsessive.

Run the hills are that way>>>>>>>>>

SHL ASAP and all the advice you can get. Good luck op

Sparklingplasters · 09/01/2020 20:26

Grey rock approach is needed. I hate it when people try to rewrite history, he was bloody well making them sleep up there!

What next OP?

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/01/2020 20:57

The steps are for babies??? How the fuck would a baby use those? He’s even madder than I first thought. 🤷‍♀️

Seemstress · 09/01/2020 21:56

He needs a mental health act assessment ...Please have an emergency plan ready to leave OP x

Weenurse · 09/01/2020 22:01

Agree SHL and emergency exit plan

RosieCockle · 09/01/2020 22:19

Get out of there ASAP. In the meantime, just say "yes, dear" to everything.

NextChapterOne · 09/01/2020 22:24

He sounds unhinged and domineering. I also hope you have a good escape plan.

Broken2020 · 09/01/2020 22:50

Are you still in the house Op? @SleepyHorse

SoTiredTonight · 09/01/2020 22:56

Total head case. Hmm

bluebunny123 · 09/01/2020 23:02

Wish you the best of luck op! Sooner you're away from him the better Thanks

springydaff · 09/01/2020 23:20

Please contact your local Women's Aid who will support you and supply every relevant info and tips as well as a list of local lawyers who recognise coercive control /abuse. They are the experts, so get them onside ASAP.

Also, let your GP/HV know details of what is happening. You need this on record.

In the meantime, read this book. And do the Freedom Programme ASAP.

Your husband is not mentally ill, he's an abuser. You need all the official support for future reference eg court costs (legal aid for domestic abuse victims) and future living arrangements for the kids. Get the powers that be onside ASAP.

He's already looking at custody arrangements, you need to move quickly.

Sicario · 09/01/2020 23:24

What an arsehole.
You rock.

OhMeows · 11/01/2020 21:25

How are you OP?

Brenna24 · 11/01/2020 23:00

Have things calmed down a bit?

Scott72 · 12/01/2020 04:26

"Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?" Reading through this whole thread I have to ask the same thing. I'd rip out the mezzanines too. Having high airy ceilings trumps having another place to accumulate unwanted clutter and dust IMO. His behavior is just very strange. Where there signs of this arrogant pig-headedness beforehand?

CanISpeakToYourManager · 12/01/2020 12:32

Hope you are okay, OP. His behaviour is so awful.

sleepyhorse · 15/01/2020 14:16

So just when you think the steps situation can’t get any madder...(waiting for the builder to come and take down which is fine as have told dc they cannot go up there) dh turns round this morning and says we need to discuss keeping front bedroom steps of other dc. I reminded him of what the building inspector had said and it can’t stay. He went on about how dare I dictate to him etc and that he wants to use the mezzanine as a play area/storage. I then get to work and decide I simply don’t have the energy to “discuss” with him so I email him a copy of the report from the inspector. And this is the reply I get back from him

“So because of you're stupid or malicious actions, we now have no choice about being able to use Jxxxx’s side for storage or play area which means we now have no access to our loft. Brilliant. Well thought through”

The report said it could only be used as storage with a pull down ladder.

I am sick to death of this treatment I’m getting!

Yes I know me and kids need to leave but unfortunately it’s not that easy as the project which has now become 2 houses are both in my name but my mum (who lives in the other house) has invested all her life savings in this and is waiting for a Conveyancers solicitor to sign over to her which could take months. Hence my mum is worried that he could get nasty and try and get her house as he is married to me and hence entitied to half of what’s in my name.

What I would like to know is how easy would it be to get him kicked out, should the abuse continue? I’ve been to see a divorce solicitor who was great but said I need to sort my mums mess out first!

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 15/01/2020 14:23

Hi @sleepyhorse - I am surprised the divorce solicitor could not advise on your mum's situation?

Perhaps see a different solicitor with her coming along?

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