Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

[sleepyhorse]

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

Go through his laptops
Look for pensions
Details on autism reports (to show the care he needs)
Payslips
Loans
Isa
Bank accounts

Yes email and ask for a copy of the notes re today's meeting

Change all your passwords

And sorry to bang on but do you think the whole ‘stairs nightmare situation’ will put me in a strong position to get full custody? (Really don’t think I can handle joint custody and it won’t be good for my autistic son)

That's why I said to look at his reports, see what you can pull out of them.

I just saw the photo of the stairs. It was a death trap. I'm just glad you saw how dangerous the situation is.
It's not going to be easy but at least you have a plan for the future. Best of luck.

Keep a diary of when he spends time with DC and what they do.
Also how DC are with him.
Any abuse towards you also needs to be noted.
Good luck 💐

I’m afraid your DH is quite likely to get whatever contact he asks for - the question is, will he really want that much responsibility and work, when it comes down to it? Threats and fantasising are different from sober discussions with Solicitor’s and realisations about the daily grind of childcare, school runs etc etc.
That is, unless your comment about him being stern with the boys has a lot more behind it, or you have documented proof that he can’t adequately care for yr son’s special needs. Building something risky won’t be considered a serious safeguarding issue I’m afraid. Sorry, but you need to be prepared for this.

The concept of custody doesn’t exist any more OP, it’s all about the children’s rights to spend time with both parents, and parents responsibilities for their children.

Prawnofthepatriarchy - I fully understand and acknowledge the projection. I was also very clear that I was not criticising the OP, and in her reply it is clear that she grasped this. I just wanted to flag up that psychological damage of being caught in the crossfire is not to be underestimated. If reading what I wrote can help just one child not to go through the same then I am happy to stick my neck out and take the criticism.

I want to wish the OP good luck for the challenges that lie ahead for her.

It’s not ‘custody’ any more but your husband would have joint parental responsibility for the children with you.

Also meant to say if Women’s Aid can’t recommend anyone, you need to ask solicitors what training and experience they have in DV including coercive control.

Late to the party, but your story has given me shivers. It's exactly the kind of thing my ex would have done. In fact, he tried to persuade me to get my mother (who he detested) to sell her house and live with us, bringing an architect round when I was out and leaving out as a 'surprise; plans for some bizarre redesign involving spiral staircase to said elderly mother's room!
Of course, he only wanted her in order to finance his building schemes.
I had already made plans to leave by that point.
You will be happier away from him. I wish you luck.

Be very wary of the certainty that he will be awarded unsupervised contact with the court.

Could you move far away so contact is more difficult?

Jesus wept

A spiral staircase for an elderly lady

I try not to be a man hater but FUCKs sake !!!! Ugh

Op I have a Soliciter that have emotional abuse experience, happy to send a referral

You will need one that knows their shit

@sleepyhorse Well done, glad the inspection went so well. Best wishes xxx

Well done you...x

OP - the stairs situation won’t give you enough grounds for ‘full custody’ sort of arrangement. And - frankly not seeing their father won’t be in the best interest of the children. As - apart from the stairs situation - that seemed more of a power fight with you - he doesn’t seem to be a bad father.

However - the stairs issue and the way it was handled by him - can surely be used as one of the examples of unreasonable behaviours - that you would need to file for divorce. It does seem that the relationship has deteriorated beyond being salvageable.

So - yes - solicitor is the way to go. If you can collect the latest statements of all your joint assets, it’ll be a big help.
Also - wrote down chronology of your relationship, and what roles you play - who does what with children on daily basis. This would help organise your thoughts for when you do speak with the solicitor.

Men like him often start off in divorces wit guns blazing. Saying they’ll be demanding 50/50 physical custody of children, and that they’ll make it work, make changes to their lives, etc. However - if in reality, most of their lives you had been the primary caregiver and he didn’t spend much time around them - court won’t see it as being In best interests of the children to change the routine.
However - if both of you work full time and actually share child care responsibilities - he’ll have a strong case.

Good luck

Glad those stairs are going. They're not even nicely done.

Good luck with solicitor.

I wish you luck with the solicitor OP. In a way the ridiculous stairs project may just be the catalyst for you sorting your and your sons lives out for the better. Because you cant carry on with such a pig headed man.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the photos or believe that anyone in their right minds would think it was acceptable or safe for their children - or anyone. I'm glad the building inspector put him straight.

But as others have said please take care and look after yourself and make sure you get advice from Women's Aid. Your H was prepared to put your children's safety on the line simply because it was you who pointed out the risks. Be safe OP. And get out.

@Fightingmycorner2019 Elderly lady?

Wrong thread?!

It horrifies me how many abusive men are prepared to endanger their children in order to score a win over their partners.

Those stairs are a death trap.

This reminds me of a thread where the OP's 'd'h was repeatedly putting the children in a bath unsupervised despite (but obviously precisely because of) the stress it caused the OP.

Well done for standing up to him OP, it's incredibly difficult and brave.

This was to twillow at

Yesterday 22:39 Twillow

I'm very late to this thread but from your OP I felt your frustration at arguing with batshit. I don't know how he thought he'd get away with it because the inspector hadn't signed it off and would have said the same on his final inspection. On a practical side while the builders are in I would get them to remove the lot and put it back to how it was. If you are selling the house as part of a divorce, you want to get as much as possible for it and don't want to put off buyers. Also you don't want him reinstating some stair's after it's passed!

Good luck with getting rid of your DH as well as the mezzanine.

How peculiar that he’s presumably done this to make more space but with those steps coming down into the middle of the room almost to the opposite wall, it makes the room itself pretty unusable.

If the steps were against a wall it could work. I don’t think the steps themselves are much of an issue, they look fine but the hand rail and the wooden slats creating a sort of wall to the mezzanine looks very flimsy. I wouldn’t trust it them to contain boisterous children adequately. Getting down in the night for a wee won’t be easy or safe in the dark when they are sleepy. And what if they sleepwalk? It’s not as far fetched as it sounds.

Apart from anything else the whole thing is badly designed and looks a bit shit.

Oh ignore me - I see the thread has moved on from discussing stairs!