Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

[sleepyhorse]

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

Please please get hold of solicitors as soon as you can this morning. This man will not want to lose anything in a divorce. If you can find any of the financials, copies of statements and pensions etc do so quickly. Copy them. Men like him will be one step ahead and will move things so you get less.

Please please protect your children. You will have to accept that they will have contact with their dad. Their relationship with their dad is separate however horrid he is. Don't bring them into arguments or discussions. As they get older they may get the measure of him anyway.

Crikey, OP. That all escalated pretty quickly, didn't it?

Bear in mind that any solicitor/law firm he calls will not be able to act for you, whether he instructs them or not. There is an immediate conflict of interests if one party has already contacted that firm.

I am not for a moment suggesting that you telephone lots of good law firms to make an initial enquiry. Because if you were to do that, then they wouldn't be able to act for him. That would be a bitch thing for you to do. I am sure you definitely wouldn't do that and make lots of phone calls today..

What an arsehole. You deserve better.

I wouldn't bother arguing about custody. It's all pretty standard these days and unless he's been sectioned or committed a terrible crime, the courts are totally for 50/50 shared parenting. Don't waste your energy fretting over it.

You need to get hold of the complete financial picture - everything, pensions, etc., and if you think he's withholding information then get a forensic accountant through your lawyer.

Any chance he 'accidentally on purpose' left that search for you to find on the computer to try to frighten you out of divorce?

And how the hell were you going to use the mezzanine for storage if the stairs had to come down? Ladder?

I think he's playing mind games with you, OP. I don't think he'd want 50/50 care of the children, it will interfere with his Very Important Plans (he might not have them yet, but he is the sort who will). He might start out agreeing to it, but I will bet any money that he ends up grousing about EOW and school holidays being too much, what with his Very Important Plans...

Sorry you're going through this. You do right to leave he sounds awful.

I know you have stuff stored at your mum’s, but you might find this list useful for making sure you’ve gathered everything. It’s under what to include in your safety packing list

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

Worth looking on ReviewSolicitors for recommendations of local Family Solicitors. It's a bit like TripAdvisor for the Legal profession and completely impartial. Good luck. X

I dont think the courts are 50/50 now. I helped my sister with her custody issue in a family court a few months ago and it is totally focused on what is in the best interests of the child. Her dd has learning difficulties and is being assessed for autism and has anxiety. She got custody and her ex has access eow overnight if their dd will go. They could not agree so had cafcass involved and this was their recommendations.

I am not for a moment suggesting that you telephone lots of good law firms to make an initial enquiry. Because if you were to do that, then they wouldn't be able to act for him. That would be a bitch thing for you to do. @Sicario I like your style.

@sleepyhorse How are things this morning?

Sotiredtonight- I feel exhausted but at work today so it’s a bit if a break especially as dh is working from home. Thanks for asking x

Op this law firm is female led , reasonable pricing and are very experienced in emotional abuse and coercive control

Highly recommend

Beck Fitzgerald
p:
020 3866 5724
a:
Fox Court, 14 Grays Inn Road, London, WC1X 8HN

Also don’t assume it’s all Kramer versus
Kramer
These days it’s very much child centred and focussed . He will bully you and scare you to death but it’s all bullshit

But contact them and write a timeline of events to summarise what’s been happening and since when

Aghast. Aghast.

Your H has NPD. He may be autistic but I doubt it. You've lived with a devil. Now to start. Properly.

You immediately petition the Court for a temporary custody order. Go for full custody. This might mean huge changes to your life but you have to look after your kids and keep them as far away from him as possible. He doesn't love you OP and neither does he love them. I hate to state that but it's the truth.

I'm glad you've seen through him. Personally, I would take a drill to those stairs. So unbelievably dangerous. Now you presumably have a written report from the surveyor.

Now, here might be a bit of a shock. If he is a narc, its incredibly likely there is another woman around. Possibly just the one. Your mention how charming he is and well known in the pub. Big red flag.

I'm so sorry.

God 75 you are obsessed with the narc spotting, aren’t you? Do you ever think about anything else?

Its Renarde.

I dont go onto every thread. I pick and choose.

But hey. I've only been raped, sexually assaulted, throttled and punched. My entire life ripped apart. Helping others helps me.

Please dont mind me. Will you?

You might want to look into the concept of affective empathy. Cos from where I am sitting, I dont think you have a lot, @Allideasandnoaction.

I often find that avatar names are also highly indicative.

Not all narcs have other women, although ime they like to nourish the idea that they could have if they chose to! 😂
There is no such thing as custody these days and therefore no such thing as full custody. Children have a right to to (unsupervised) contact with both parents unless there is overwhelming evidence that this would not be safe.

What utter nonsense @StrawberrJam200

First off, have you had direct, first hand experience of the family court? Because I have. Did will make Court orders which insist on supervised contact so that's wrong.

Secondly, yeah pretty much all narcs are cheating. They have to because of their need for narc supply. Once the primary source has been devalued, which is clear in the above case, they are driving a Hoover against another person. this is because of their fuel matrix and their need for narc supply.

I know its distressing to read of such things.

Another poster has already highlighted to start looking through accounts. She should. Knowledge is power.

It is true to say that most narcs dont cheat during the golden period

Also handy to have is a copy of the children’s medical records, including anyone you see developmentally. Your GP etc notes should begin with “mum brought DC”. Shows you’re the person doing the care, and courts will want to maintain that status quo for your son’s sake/continuity of care.

75Renarde yes I have.

Well then its clear to me that Courts are not behaving in an arbitrarily fair way which I've long suspected.

Right now, I'm in the middle of getting two Courts to speak to one another over my ex's extreme abuse of me.

@75Renarde - you sound absolutely deranged and are quite clearly projecting.

'Narc' is term these days that is thrown around WAY too much. Often by very thick people desperate to sound clever. And very frequently by people who are actually the most self-absorbed, god complex personalities you could ever meet. You sound no different. You dismiss everyone else's opinions, think you are the 'expert' on narcs so should be listened to above all others and then pull out your abuse stories when people still pull you apart for no other reason than to guilt trip the other person to back down.

Some people are just cunts. They're not narcs. They don't have a fancy diagnostic label. They are just cunts.

Secondly, yeah pretty much all narcs are cheating. They have to because of their need for narc supply. Once the primary source has been devalued, which is clear in the above case, they are driving a Hoover against another person. this is because of their fuel matrix and their need for narc supply.

I love a bit of armchair psychology. 🙄

I agree that it's easy to label all abusers as narcs or psychos. This 'others' them and in fact makes women less able to acknowledge that what's going on is not ok, as they think 'no my OH doesn't fit most of what I read about narcs, therefore maybe he isn't an abuser.' Also not all abusers are having an affair. They probably would have no compunction about it, though.

Wow....I’m seriously losing the will to live. Dh just started shouting at me saying it was completely nasty and twisted what I did on Monday getting the inspector round. I’m a selfish bitch who has just ruined 2 years of work (as part of his plans). And that the reason those steps are not appropriate for the kids is because they are designed for babies and not older kids, that they should have really had a ladder instead! Regarding the fire issue, he said it’s no different to an attic room!! And also he’s now twisting it saying he never would have forced them to sleep up there if they weren’t comfortable etc etc...yet he told them to sleep up there and to start getting into their bedtime routine! I told him he never listened to me in the first place and my that wishes were not respected. And he came back with “well what about my wishes, you didn’t respect them either!”