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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

439 replies

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:34

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
DameCelia · 15/01/2020 14:58

Hi op your solicitor can't advise your Mum. She needs her own solicitor. Once you've each seen solicitors you can decide what to do.

FraglesRock · 15/01/2020 15:17

Save that email from him

OhMeows · 15/01/2020 15:20

When he says well thought through, is he talking to himself? Wasn't the stupid mezzanine ladder situation all his idea?

Mischance · 15/01/2020 15:47

Is it all clear to him and out in that open that you are taking divorce proceedings? - from his email it sounds as though he does not know that.

sleepyhorse · 15/01/2020 16:14

So I’ve seen a divorce lawyer but he has said he can’t start the legal process of my shit until my mum sees a conveyance solicitor but first we need to wait for mortgage lender to come and value house. It all takes time and house still not quite finished! My mum is getting stressed and paranoid that she could lose her house. And it’s all on my shoulders!!!!! A lot to deal with right now!

OP posts:
sleepyhorse · 15/01/2020 16:15

Mischance - no I’ve not told him I’ve been to see a divorce solicitor

OP posts:
sleepyhorse · 15/01/2020 16:17

Ohmeows- yes stupid mezzanine was his idea

OP posts:
Tenetenba · 15/01/2020 16:39

Erm. You can't get him " kicked out " of his own house.
The situation doesn't sound great but all of a sudden you want " full custody " which doesn't actually exist and hes actually entitled to 50/50 and to " kick him out of the house "? You can't do that OP and you need to get advice.

sleepyhorse · 15/01/2020 16:44

Tenenba - I never said I wanted full custody. But clearly dh has made it very clear what an irresponsible dad he is and so don’t think it’s in the kids best interest to have 50/50 shared responsibilities

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/01/2020 17:29

Obviously you need to sit tight and tolerate until the house is sorted out.

Clearly H has no choice but to put in a loft ladder for now to get it signed off.

Thanks
StrawberryJam200 · 15/01/2020 18:24

If the house is in the OP’s name and she asks him to leave and he refuses then she can involve the Police. Women’s Aid will know all about this.

sleepyhorse · 15/01/2020 18:27

Strawberryjam - that’s good to know! I have left a couple of v/m messages with them. Might try them again tomorrow!

OP posts:
StrawberryJam200 · 15/01/2020 18:41

Have you tried the National 24/7 Helpline? Easier to get thru on ime. OK aren’t gonna give you ongoing individualised help but can give you advice for that moment.

Tenetenba · 15/01/2020 20:05

Yes but what has he done to warrant the police? Hes been an absolute dick and the whole mezzanine thing is ridiculous but is he abusive? Or violent?
I'm genuinely asking.

springydaff · 15/01/2020 20:35

The local Women's Aid is easier to get through than the national helpline imo - unless you call in the early morning eg 2am, 3am, but not many can do that. Here's the national helpline number : 0808 2000 247.

It's best anyway to take your time with extricating yourself, and the kids, from the marriage. You're being given a good chunk of time to get everything in order, which is by far the best way unless you and the kids are in immediate physical danger.

StrawberryJam200 · 15/01/2020 20:41

Tenetenba he may not have done anything to warrant the police yet, but if, as in the scenario I envisaged, he refused to leave the OP’s house, then he would have done.

snoopy18 · 15/01/2020 20:55

Wow the stairways look ridiculous no doubt echoing what other people have posted but imagine falling down them. Right through the bloody window. I had steep steps down from the attic (proper stair way carpeted etc) and use to fall on them frequently because they were so bloody steep and narrow. Good on you for getting it looked at and taken down.

sleepyhorse · 15/01/2020 21:00

Tenetenba - no he has been violent apart from a bit of pushing occasionally and throwing things at me. But he is very verbally abusive, undermining, controlling.

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 15/01/2020 21:14

With all that's going on financially I think you have to get organised. Take your time, get advice and find out what needs to happen before you tell him.
Distance yourself at home to make it easier on yourself. See it as a process.

TheReef · 15/01/2020 21:48

I'm glad to see you're getting out, he sounds unhinged, and those stairs Hmm wtf was he thinking

StrawberryJam200 · 15/01/2020 21:50

OP “a bit of pushing” is defined as violence. Would you do it to another person? Of course not. It’s using force or at the very least the threat of force. However I understand what you mean. But have also remembered what you said initially about him (physically?) forcing the boys to leave their grandmothers’ house and go sleep on the platforms...... I very much suspect you could get the police involved now if you want to.

Broken2020 · 15/01/2020 23:11

@Tenetenba Actually yes she can if he becomes abusive!!

OP it's called an 'Occupational Order' if you call NCDV they will arrange it all for you within 48 hours free of charge. He will be removed from the house, unable to return for a set period of time. Even if he owns half

Scott72 · 16/01/2020 01:16

"And that the reason those steps are not appropriate for the kids is because they are designed for babies and not older kids, that they should have really had a ladder instead!"

It took me a while to work out what he was saying there. I think he's saying those narrow crazy stairs are too generous for 10 year olds, they are actually meant for 5 year olds. 10 year olds should clamber up and down a ladder every time they want to go to bed or play with their toys.

He doesn't seem quite in his right mind. You are well justified in wanting to get yourself and your kids away from him.

Herpesfreesince03 · 16/01/2020 01:36

Placemarking. He sounds unhinged 😳

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/01/2020 09:44

He sounds as though he's so entrenched in his position that he literally CANNOT step back and admit he was even a teeny bit wrong. He has to hold to 'I am right and everyone else including the building inspector, is wrong' because anything else is saying he is at fault.

Is he like this with other things, OP? Because it is beginning to come across as though he's totally losing the plot of real life, just so that he doesn't appear to have made a mistake.