Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Three quotes and you get to agree which one he goes with. You will only agree to pay half (have you checked with your solicitor that you do need to pay half?) on that basis

I'd try to get away with saying 3 quotes and you'll pay half of the lowest quote. That'll stop him from taking the highest bid just to stick you with a higher share of cost.

Let me try & get my head around this.
He lives in your marital home, it costs him nothing,
His boiler is broken, he wants you to pay half.
You live in a rental property, you pay the whole rent alone & all the heating/hot water/elec for yourself & his DS's
Why in God's name would you pay half to repair the boiler in his future home, (that you don't live in)

Do you have house insurance that would cover the breakdown?

That sounds fairer to me than you paying for the upkeep of a house you don’t live in.

Suspect the judge will laugh at him about this one later too

Yes op, well done he’s going to regret being such a sulky knob

Good idea about the house insurance, will ask him to check for the heating.

There is no way I'm paying up front, I think the judge may well laugh at him down the line and as he has a bigger share in the house than me, if I do have to pay, it will only be proportional to my share (I will insist on this).

I do suspect him insisting on this while his kids and myself are in rented accommodation will just confirm the impression the judges have of him as being extremely legalistic and petty and wasting court time.

I'm also glad I've now got it in writing in an email that I've asked him for information about his health, again he will look unreasonable dragging it through the appeals court when it could have been settled between us quite simply.

I think it shows I'm open to discussion whereas he is hell bent on having his day in court.

You have always said that he is a stickler for what is “fair” 😂😂😂

Don't feel guilty that he is paying you a high level of maintenance. He has deprived you of living in the marital home and you have incurred high costs due to that. His choice!!

Also it's high because he's a higher earner.

I agree you only pay "your share" (less than his) based on the lowest of 3 quotes once the work has been done because if he chooses a better product or more speedy fitting that his choice.

Does it even need a working boiler if you have heating provided by wood burners? Or is it just a luxury he's used to?

[grin@] we'll see what the judge thinks is "fair" @justilou1

For the boiler, it's the whole heating system, the wood burner in the living room will only heat that room.

I guess he can sleep in there while he's waiting for the heating to be fixed !!! Quite glad the DC are not staying over now

I have clearly said I want to be consulted before he goes ahead with any work (I suspect that's also why he emailed me to let me know, to cover himself for the future saying "he consulted me") and that I want more quotes.

We'll see. I don't have keys so can't organise quotes for him and the bloody heating system is so complicated that I suspect noone will be able to fix it...

I've got past the annoyance now with you lot to vent to, thank you.

I should be able to relax and enjoy my dinner date tonight (and the rest!)

Enjoy tonight

I would take great pleasure in dragging out the repair as long as possible and stick rigidly to him organising and providing you with three quotes if he expects you to contribute to it. Sometimes its the little revenges that are enjoyed the most...

Get along, lil doggy!

Do tell him @jamaisjedors you'll think about options over the weekend as tonight you have a HOT SMOKING DATE 😂

@Grrrpredictivetex
Would absolutely LOVE to text that to him and tell him that I'll be too busy enjoying my date's impressive skills with his tongue

[quote jamaisjedors]@Grrrpredictivetex
Would absolutely LOVE to text that to him and tell him that I'll be too busy enjoying my date's impressive skills with his tongue
[/quote]
Ooh you minx 😂😂

Impressive tongue skills?

Oh my!

Lucky, lucky girl!

third date confirms it... VERY impressive

All new to me !

Third time’s the charm! 🍀🍀🍀 Very, very happy for you, Jamais

I’ve been intermittently following your threads since your first post. I’m so pleased to see how far you’ve come Jamais, including your recent updates

Oh Jamais, you lucky lady! You certainly deserve to have some uncomplicated fun.

Had to snigger at Lizzie's 'how far you've come ..'

Had to snigger at Lizzie's 'how far you've come... or how many times

I don’t snigger as I wrote it.

So pleased he's a good linguist. Makes all the difference.

Jamais you sound happy.

A cunning linguist, perhaps?