Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Just caught up - ❤️ - smile to my face on a Sunday

Enjoy every minute, Jamais. You deserve it!

Meanwhile your STBXH is alone, freezing his cobblers off and sulking because you haven't paid to fix his over complicated boiler.

I AM happy, thank you !

And trying my hardest to stay in the present moment and enjoy life RIGHT NOW.

It certainly helps thinking about what life would be like if I was still with exH, going to bed at 8.30 to keep warm because his over-complicated boiler is yet again not working, having that "on-edge" sick feeling in my stomach, feeling "not good enough" and stupid.

You would no doubt have stabbed him before now...

@justilou1 or Jamais would have a tremendous patio!

If the heating hasn't worked properly for years I would actually refuse to pay towards repairs.

"You wouldn't get it fixed when I lived there so I'm not contributing to it now I don't live there"

I think Mumsnet should be sponsored by landscaping suppliers, tbh...

at the landscaping suppliers !!! God yes !

The heating was a new system he insisted on putting in, fell out with the company who were putting it in and we had a whole winter with no heating that year. Since then, as it's so complicated, and he shouted down the phone at the installation company, it's not surprising that they now don't want to come and fix an electronic problem.

I hope he's enjoying hauling in logs for the fire and cleaning it out !

Best form of revenge !

Seriously then tell him it's under warranty as fairly new abs he needs to sort his relationship out with the company and as he wouldn't pay to repair it when you and the DC also lived there you aren't contributing to it now...

Obviously after he provides the 3 quotes.

You can do the whole "Now that I have recollected that this issue was caused by you x x x and you refused to get it fixed when y y y I don't believe it is fair for me to contribute to something you have caused under the circumstances"

Even if you concede you can drag it out for sometime...

That man really is his own worst enemy when you’re no longer there to put out his fires. (Pun totally intended.)

Wow, just caught up!

Well no more quotes from exH so not sure what he has done about his heating or any of the other things.

But he has at least followed up on a glitch in the application for planning permission for part of the garden in the family home, which is positive.

In other news, online dating still going pretty well for me.

Things with my 1st "back in the saddle" date went a bit quiet so after a bit of a wobble (I see my self-esteem is still a little shaky), I contacted him and ended it amicably. We both agreed we had fun but didn't see it going anywhere longterm.

I was pleased with myself for taking matters into my own hands rather than just leaving and waiting and wondering.

Since then I had a lucky escape with a quite intense guy who seemed great on paper, but then I noticed a couple of red flags when messaging (getting annoyed when I didn't reply right away for example).

We were supposed to meet up and he put me off a couple of times.

In the end he pulled out last minute on the day of our date... saying I was [too good for him" hmm]

I had got dressed up slightly (going straight from work) and so immediately texted another guy I had been chatting to and met up with him instead !

All going very well with him, a DJ who is 10 years younger than me and might be the nicest person I have every met, non-pushy, attentive, delighted for me to make other plans and see my friends and happy to be flexible and put up with my "difficult" schedule.

He is a bit overweight which I think is why he's still single because he is honestly the most interesting and sweet person I've met for a long time !

Oh yes and the sex is even better than with number one !

Off on holiday tomorrow to see my ex-sils who I get on well with, looking forward to it.

In the end he pulled out last minute on the day of our date... saying I was too good for him" hmm]

If a man told me that, I'd take him at his word. Most men who say that are playing games. It's almost like reverse 'negging'. They 'neg' themselves to try and get you to 'build them up' by catering to them.

@AcrossthePond55 I think I agree with you with the reverse "negging".

It seemed sincere but a bit over-egged when he originally texted to cancel.

I replied that I felt he was making the decision for me as I had enjoyed chatting to him and felt we had things in common but I accepted his decision and wished him luck etc.

And then moved on (to the very talented Mr DJ!).

But of course he then texted me that evening with more stuff. I ignored til the next day when I just sent a short "goodbye, good luck" message.

I definitely felt at that point that he was perhaps looking to turn the tables and have me start complimenting him or saying how into him I was.

I have never even met the guy so not going there.

Definite bullet dodged, I don't have time for that kind of crap, it took me right back to interactions with exH, feeling sick in the stomach kind of thing.

Lesson learnt - and am delighted in the end as I could possibly have let myself be sucked in by that guy as the blowing hot and cold definitely felt more familiar to me than steady and nice like Mr DJ.

Good to have made a conscious decision to go against my usual relationship pattern of emotionally unavailable men.

@jamaisjedors

Good to have made a conscious decision to go against my usual relationship pattern of emotionally unavailable men

There is NOTHING in the world that makes you feel better than seeing for yourself how wise you now are compared to the days of 'back then'.

Sounds like you’re not going to ever be “trained” again by a man. I’m so pleased!!! And DJ sounds lovely - and talented!!! So happy for you!!! I love that he’s confident enough about himself to allow you your own life. (And good at sex!!!) The flags are green!!!

just horrified myself by searching for 'stonewalling' on here and coming up with one of your threads from 2017. Hafving followed you all the way Im really hoping this relatively new development in my long term partner can be nipped in the bud

@NettleTea I searched for some of my previous threads a while back and was shocked too....

I've been on mumsnet since my eldest was a baby (now 16) and I know I was worried about my relationship and couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, way back then.

Hope you can "catch" it and discuss things in a reasonable way if this is relatively recent/new behaviour.

Well done on taking the initiative with "back in the saddle" guy and ending it properly and also for not getting sucked in with red flag guy. I feel that your instincts are becoming more finely tuned and even better you are listening to them.

I like the sound of DJ guy, "interesting and sweet" and happy for you to do your own thing, what a great combination. Have fun.

Thanks @jamaisjedors I do hope so. He is ASD and I suspect that wfh and other stuff going on is taking its toll. Ive been here nearly as long so I dont relish being on the receiving side of a LTB thread.

@NettleTea hope things are ok for you?

I have just had a lovely week with my (ex) SIL and saw some other members of ex's family too.

The kids loved it and it felt really normal which was cool. I didn't see ex-MIL because she has been so horrible about me (according to other family members) that nobody thought it was a good idea for me to reach out to her.

I would have liked her to be able to see her grand-children but hey (shrug)...

In other news have been in lots of contact with MR DJ who is my second "back in the saddle" guy - and possibly a bit more than that !

Still super sweet, interesting, non-pushy but attentive, thinks I'm amazing... .

We are in lockdown so not sure when I'll see him again but might have to do some urgent shopping near his flat sometime this week...

I was super strict in the last lockdown and he is prepared to wait so we will see. Cool having someone nice to talk to and interested in my day/life etc.

No news at all back from exH since I emailed him about medical evidence of his health to be able to have the DC overnight.

I know that if he even gets a whiff of the fact that I'm seeing someone he will absolutely NOT produce the evidence, but Mr DJ is ok with keeping things quiet for the moment.

No news from the solicitor either about the financial settlement, both lawyers have asked for news to no avail...

This divorce is going nowhere !

God, he does like to drag things out, doesnt he

all is good here. Think DP caught himself on, so I am happy to move forward but have identified the behaviour which is a good thing at least, and discussed it with my lovely twenties DD who is much more sorted than I am! Lockdown has been hard. I think DP finding it harder than me with WFH and not seeing anyone, and we lost his mother earlier in the year, plus FIL and SIL both very very tricky, so a little lenience has been given. But not a free pass.

MrDJ sounds great. Agree the odd impromtu 'essentials only' trip out may be justified!

Great news about Mr DJ

Ex does like to drag it out doesn't he, by the time he gets round to it the kids will be 18 and no longer interested in seeing him much.

Is there no way the court can compel him to respond or set a deadline?

How does it work in France if one party refuses to engage? Can you get divorced without financial settlement?

Is it still 2 years?