Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Apparently it's actually one year now but I don't think we can divorce until there's a financial settlement and custody is sorted.

Technically he's not dragging his feet over the finances, it's the solicitor who has gone awol.

And as he asked for a court appointed solicitor , I don't think we can change or get a new one.

Same with the custody, although perhaps if I can show we have made an offer over custody then maybe we could put a package together...

But hard to know what's best for custody without any medical information , going round in circles....

@jamaisjedors do hope Mr. DJ is still playing sweet music with you.

Ahh yes Mr DJ is still being an angel, it's a total revelation to me to be with someone so caring, supportive and attentive.

And he's told his mum about me !!!

Early days but all good and I really enjoy spending time with him and talking to him.

@jamaisjedors that's so lovely and I'm so pleased for you. Even though I don't know you I feel we've shared this journey as a sister would. Whatever the outcome you so deserve peace and happiness in your life. Do hope DH is cold and miserable ooops did I really say that

@Grrrpredictivetex ah thank you so much. I feel like everyone on this thread is a sister (I don't have any) and it's amazing to be able to share the good and bad times with you all.

I think exH is cold and miserable as I have heard nothing about a bill for repairing the heating !

What a lovely update!!

Guess your ex wasn't so great in bed after all

@RandomMess hmm yes am kind of realising that now.

I guess i felt reasonably smug as i was still attracted to him after 20+ years but now i see what i was missing out on

I am always a bit whenI discover some women have never had a partner that is committed to ensure they are are very well serviced and content every time!!!

I think I've just been spoilt...

That’s delightful news! Can imagine your ex simply adding more layers to prove a point, and him bumbling about looking like a giant cupcake with a cherry on top.

@RandomMess lucky you

@justilou1 that is exactly what ex will be doing, he used to wear a wooly hat around the house and 3 jumpers at my mum's when he decided it wasn't warm enough

Such lovely updates @jamaisjedors both regarding your dj and the picture of your stbxh wearing a hat and 3 jumpers to keep warm!

Love it when they make a point to nobody at all, don’t you?

Yay I've found you! Followed you through the last three (?) threads but closed my MN account earlier this year. Back now under a deferent name and delighted to hear your news. Good for you!

Can't believe ex is still being a twat. But at least you have absolutely no doubt you've done the right thing.

All the very best

Ah hi @PopperUppleton thanks for thinking of me !

Yes one of positives of the way things panned out is that I have absolutely no regrets about leaving and no moments of wondering whether I did the right thing or could have done more etc.

My Mr DJ is helping with the final bit of the healing process too - I'm glad I spent time alone and worked on myself, but it's lovely now to be with someone who thinks I'm fascinating and accomplished and who actively encourages me to spend time with my friends but is equally delighted to see me when I can.

@jamaisjedors have the boys met him? Does hubby know?

@Grrrpredictivetex no the kids don't know and exH neither.

I am still waiting on the "expert" to come out and do the psychological assessment on us to decide custody so don't want to take the risk of messing anything up there.

Plus I worry that the DCs might be influenced if they knew, either to feel sorry for their dad (even more than now) or to worry that I might be moving someone in (not happening !).

I've been so careful for the last 18mths to get everything right for the DC, killing myself being the perfect mother, attending all school events, volonteering in both schools, always being home when the DC get back from their dad's at 9pm etc. etc.

It would be ridiculous to mess that up now.

Mr DJ knows the situation and is ok with it.

In fact when I said he could come over this weekend to mine (we have always met at his), he was concerned the DC might come back unexpectedly...

OTOH if this situation waiting for the "expert" to come and write his report drags on for another year to 18mths I'm not sure it will be possible to keep things totally quiet.

But for the moment it's only been a month so one day at a time and definitely way too early under ANY circumstances to be talking about my love-life to the DC

Glad things are going well for you Jamais. You deserve every happiness.

Let's hope he continues to be a star...

All sounds so positive, and you sound very happy, which is wonderful to read

I'm not a regular poster on your threads @jamaisjedors but I am cheering you on from the sidelines.
I am thinking back to reading any of the first threads you posted and then moving on to this one and it is like I'm reading posts by a completely different woman. You've come out of your shell. You are no longer walking on eggshells around your exDh or under the stress that doing that put on you.
You sound more comfortable in your own self and that is a wonderful thing. Just wanted to pop on here and give you a huge virtual hug and say keep going! You're doing great!

I think you are playing your cards like a star, Jamais, and I am so pleased Mr Dj is so sensible and supportive.

@LookItsMeAgain I'm very touched by that thank you, I am a totally different person now, it's true.

Update the 'expert's psychologist from the court called me on Friday afternoon and I'm seeing him on Monday afternoon.

He'll set up appointments with the kids after that and then exh.

I am weirdly ok , for now! Will report back.

Whoop whoop the ball is rolling slowly.

KOKO

Good news Jamais. Will the expert have access to STBX medical reports too? If not, they will be reliant on STBX being honest about his medical situation

@RandomMess thanks for your unfailing support

@Daftapath don't think he has automatic access (patient confidentiality) but I will be stressing how little medical information I have and how strange it is that exh hasn't volunteered any.

So then if he asks for exh's health details and doesn't get them, he can draw his own conclusions. I will be stressing the denial that went on.

I'm lucky to be going first I think.