Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Yes, going first has to be good. You can couch it in terms of being 'concerned' about the lack of information from him (XH) and that you would have thought he would be bending over backwards to prove that the boys would be safe staying overnight. At the end of the day, it's all about the boys

You can also mention that he won't accept responsibility for the boys in "his time" if something more important to him crops up such as work (!) and his other behaviour around these holidays and how this all points to his desperate need to be in control still which indicates he is still unwell and shared care doesn't seem appropriate...

Good points, thanks, had forgotten some of those.

Yes to the posts above.
You were so frightened by his psychotic episode, his wandering about in sandales & overcoat.
His agressivity towards you
You had to move out urgently to protect DC
You dont know what his treatment is, whether it's for life (it often is) & if he takes it.
You dont know if he has regular aptmts with a psy & if he goes. (Unlikely)
You have asked for some kind of reassurance re his mental health & he won't give it.
In light of this refusal, you can only think there isnt any follow up support, & this would fit with his general dominant character..,,
You are only worried about your boys safety while he is responsible adult. You dont want them to witness a psychotic breakdown or be left to their devices if he just goes to his room for half a day... etc

Truthfully he presented as "normal" right up until his episode exploded hence the concern that the DC or work would not be aware another was occurring until it kicked off.

All good points - only just seen them but I managed to say all of that I think.

The interview went fine, I felt he was understanding of my situation and he said at the end that he had no worries about my capacities as a mother, could see that I was not trying to deny the father a role and that I was not seeking conflict.

He took on board my worries about another psychotic episode and the lack of information about exh's health.

Had to do some weird personality test thing where he showed me photos and I had to make up a story about them.

One was a blank page !

Anyway I actually quite got into that bit, it was towards the end so I felt comfortable with him by then and don't think I said anything psycho-ish !

He also seemed to be really interested in my point of view about exH and seemed to be coming from the position of EXH being the problem not me.

He is seeing the kids tomorrow, and i assume exH by the end of the week as he wants to send off his report next week.

He asked what I would be comfortable with re custody, I talked about 1 or 2 overnights (Saturday night EOW and 1 night in the week) IF there was some reassurance about exH's health.

He established that there had never been 50/50 custody and that I have been the DC's primary carer all along, even pre-separation.

So hopefully all good, obviously a little draining, but i had a chat with Mr DJ and then did some yoga so feel ok now.

It will be interesting to read the report and see what he says about exH (and the kids too). I've asked the kids to think about what THEY want in terms of contact (and not what their parents want).

Thanks again for the support

Another who has been following and silently cheering you on.

Your meeting sounds very positive and hopefully you will get some resolution on the custody agreement soon.

Sending hugs

That all sounds good Jamais. Your approach is so fair and reasonable that I can't see how H or the psychologist could argue with anything unless the psych actually decides H isn't well enough to have overnights at all.

I must say making up stories from a blank page is an interesting approach though. I can't imagine the over-worked under-trained Cafcass workers in England having the expertise to carry out a full on psychological assessment. I guess kind of reassuring for you that they do in France.

@jamais do you all get a copy of the report?

Would love to read the stories your EXH comes up with for the pictures!! Very telling I would imagine.

Well done for staying so strong

Glad it went well 🌼🌸🌺

Wow!!! You have played a stellar hand again Jamais!!! Well done!!! I bet you are very happily divorced very soon!!!

Well done jamais.

On a side note, I remember having to do a test a bit like what you describe. The person giving it to me didn't explain in any way why I had to write sentences, or draw clocks or whatever!

Anyway, onwards and upwards, you are playing a blinder. Roll on 2021, when you can divorce him without his consent anyway.

I am a totally different person now, it's true

That was my exact thought reading your most recent posts especially.

This is the test he gave me with the pictures and the storytelling :
www.psychestudy.com/general/personality/thematic-apperception-test

I've checked it out and looked at how it's interpreted and my answers were coherent with what I told him about my family life/personality etc.

He didn't do the whole test on me, just about 8 pictures.

Kids are there today, which is great because now I can finally relax about what they are going to say about me to the psychologist !!!

@Haffdonga
I can't imagine the over-worked under-trained Cafcass workers in England having the expertise to carry out a full on psychological assessment.

I agree, no way the social workers we saw would either.

I thought this guy was just a child psychologist, as he is based in a school, but he told me has a double speciality in adult pathologies too so fingers crossed he will work out what is going on with exH.

At the very least he will ask from a report from the psychiatrist to find out what diagnosis exH has. And he seemed very interested in exh's persecution complex !

We'll see !

Oh and yes, if custody gets sorted out sooner rather than later, the divorce might actually be able to happen earlier than Septembre 2021 - my lawyer said there was no point in asking for the divorce now if the custody was still up in the air.

Even if the finances are not totally settled, but a project has been drawn up, the divorce can go ahead AFAIK.

Hope it goes well with the kids at the psychologist today.

Interesting psych assessment. I'm sure it would be illuminating to be a fly on the wall when H does his. He'll be desperately trying to prove he's sane by giving the most run of the mill answers he can think of, while his paranoia will have him triple guessing what the trick is and twisting himself in knots.

Did DC tell you how it went ?

@Haffdonga yes it would be fun to hear!

I listened in on ds2 (knew he would tell me nothing).

He wants every Wednesday with his dad and eow.

No mention of 50/50. PHEW

Ds1 talked a bit about his interview, questions about school, the divorce, his dad, then the picture test.

What did DS1 think of the picture test?

I probably would have been WTF 😂

My kids (14,14 & 16) would totally eyeroll at the picture test, except maybe DD2 who would spend aaaaaaaages coming up with elaborate stories for the first picture just to bamboozle the guy. (Her first sentence was “I feel sad” and she’s loved a bit of melodrama ever since... can’t wait to be mentioned when she gets her first Oscar.)

Ha! Yes the kids were a bit surprised by the picture test to say the least !

But actually ds1 and I had fun comparing our stories, and even ds2 said something about how you never completely make things up so some of it must be based on your life or other people's...

I of course woke up this morning at 5am thinking of all the stuff I forgot to say or should have said...

I'll get over myself in a few days and mg lawyer can also make remarks I think.

I suspect with your stbex, there couldn’t possibly be enough time to fit it all in Jamais!!!

I am sure you did wonderfully

I imagine your ex making up some myysterious spy story, with he as the misunderstood hero, naturally, and the whole world full of people out to get him