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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Dh still out. Coked up. Once off but aibu

271 replies

Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 05:31

It was our DSs 9th birthday yesterday. I'm taking him and a friend to soft play at 11am today and he knows and is supposed to be watching our youngest (2yrs, who's delayed and has other stuff going on) so I don't have to leave when youngest has had enough and our eldest can have a longer time with his friend at soft play etc.

Anywya dh goes out with his dad for their usual Friday meal. All fine. He messages at 10 to say he's bumped into friends who he rarely sees and is going back to theirs. All fine. I'm glad he's seeing them because it has been a month or so, so that's nice for him.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc). I ask if he'll still be able to watch the youngest in the morning etc. He says yes. Fast forward to now. Its almost 6 and he's still at that mates. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to leave my youngest DS with him if he's fucked because he's autistic and very loud and will get snapped at by DH who'll be tired etc and it's not fair on DS. I'm really pissed off tbh.

(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place. I'm trying so hard everyday to be a good mum and stay well etc. He's my "carer" atm).

OP posts:
Trewser · 04/01/2020 12:27

I have certainly looked after my own kids while incapacitated with the hangover from hell. It can be done although it sucks.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 12:28

Oh yes, hangover after some sleep, that's not so bad. Only if it was just alcohol though. If he does coke Im not comfortable with it.

OP posts:
Wauden · 04/01/2020 12:31

Using coke is very harmful because that funds the drug trafficking, gang violence, prostitution in modern slavery and murders.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 12:31

Thanks for all the helpful messages. I think it's just going to be me repeating myself about the coke issue for the rest of the thread which wasn't the sole or biggest issue so I'll leave it there Flowers

OP posts:
darthbreakz · 04/01/2020 12:53

"always a one off"

??? Errrr...

womenspeakout · 04/01/2020 13:03

Thanks for all the helpful messages. I think it's just going to be me repeating myself about the coke issue for the rest of the thread which wasn't the sole or biggest issue so I'll leave it there

But it should be. It's the biggest issue.

You can't share a huge issue and tell people to look away from it because you do. It was your sons birthday yesterday and he pissed off and took coke for the whole night, today he has his birthday celebration even if you only call it a playdate) and he can't go because he's hungover, and can't look after your other child which you needed because of the coke.

The coke is the issue here.

Pobpen · 04/01/2020 13:23

I think it's just going to be me repeating myself about the coke issue for the rest of the thread which wasn't the sole or biggest issue so I'll leave it there
It is the biggest issue- it’s what other issues stem from!

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 13:27

He would've likely stayed out late coke or no coke which is what gets me. And how I've been slowly turned into a solo parent every morning and how I feel its really taking the piss all things considered (especially my mh and youngest DSs issues).

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 13:27

OK but really, that's it. Thanks again for the helpful suggestions.

OP posts:
womenspeakout · 04/01/2020 13:36

He's staying out late doing coke, he doesn't care, because he's on coke.

It's really odd you diminish his drug use. Have you spoken about it with your therapist, you haven't answered. I really think it may help you.

Mummyshark2019 · 04/01/2020 13:50

You seem to be sticking up for him a lot OP. Not much point giving you any advice on here tbh. You are putting up with an absolute dick head who will continue to contribute to your negative mental health. I just hope the kids won't be affected when they become a little big bigger.

Pobpen · 04/01/2020 13:54

Why bother posting

PaperbackBlighter · 04/01/2020 13:54

Would you not be terrified that someone would tip off social services about his drug use? Class A drug user in a house with two children, when the other parent is under what sounds like pretty intense care for mental health issues sounds like it could end up being quite serious.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 13:55

Just want to know if I was being ott by being fuming about last night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 13:58

We've had ss come assess me and our situation as protocol this year. They weren't worried. Ofc they don't know about the extremely occasional nights out but the kids are safe and well cared for. That's Al they care about. My mums a social worker too. She's much more concerned about the parents making attempts in front of their kids, molesting their kids and neglecting their kids.

OP posts:
Nixen · 04/01/2020 14:06

I feel sorry for you but more so for your kids

Dearymeop · 04/01/2020 14:10

We've had ss come assess me and our situation as protocol this year. They weren't worried
You seem proud of that when I’m actual fact, most people haven’t been assessed by SS. Instead of being proud of them ‘not being worried’, be ashamed they’ve assessed you at all

womenspeakout · 04/01/2020 14:20

We've had ss come assess me and our situation as protocol this year. They weren't worried. Ofc they don't know about the extremely occasional nights out

Stop saying occasional nights out as if he's popped to the cinema, he spends nights doing coke......

And you withheld the information from them, so they were not worried as they do not know. They would be worried if they knew the father went on drug binges.

Out of interest, if it's not a big deal and the kids are safe, why withhold this information from social services?

MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 04/01/2020 14:23

Afternoon, everyone. We're going to move this thread over to relationships now at the OP's request.

womenspeakout · 04/01/2020 14:24

My mums a social worker too. She's much more concerned about the parents making attempts in front of their kids, molesting their kids and neglecting their kids.

Then what? The children of drug takers?

A social worker takes all of them extremely seriously. The effects of drug taking on children is huge, it's not like that's passed over.

Please stop minimising this. I really am starting to agreeing with the other posters and feel sorry for these children. The fact you are minimising, making excuses, acting as if it's no big thing for a father to do this is very worrying. Mixed in with you needing help to function (PIP award) and the person who is meant to be helping is a coke user, honestly.

Have you discussed his drug use with your therapist? You still haven't answered....

Wauden · 04/01/2020 14:24

You were jo being off for expressing your concerns. It would be more concerning if you had not.

Desolate2nite · 04/01/2020 14:24

Wow you are so in denial. Your poor kids

Wauden · 04/01/2020 14:26

*'Not' being off.

Nanamilly · 04/01/2020 14:29

OP, you make so many excuses for your husband. Your post is very painful to read. Im sorry things are so tough.

Wolfiefan · 04/01/2020 14:34

You’re being U to stay with someone who is doing coke.
It’s not a one off if he’s doing it every three months or so. Hmm

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