Dh still out. Coked up. Once off but aibu

[Alexandra80]

It was our DSs 9th birthday yesterday. I'm taking him and a friend to soft play at 11am today and he knows and is supposed to be watching our youngest (2yrs, who's delayed and has other stuff going on) so I don't have to leave when youngest has had enough and our eldest can have a longer time with his friend at soft play etc.

Anywya dh goes out with his dad for their usual Friday meal. All fine. He messages at 10 to say he's bumped into friends who he rarely sees and is going back to theirs. All fine. I'm glad he's seeing them because it has been a month or so, so that's nice for him.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc). I ask if he'll still be able to watch the youngest in the morning etc. He says yes. Fast forward to now. Its almost 6 and he's still at that mates. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to leave my youngest DS with him if he's fucked because he's autistic and very loud and will get snapped at by DH who'll be tired etc and it's not fair on DS. I'm really pissed off tbh.

(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place. I'm trying so hard everyday to be a good mum and stay well etc. He's my "carer" atm).

He was out for hours. He could have had plenty more than 4 and not appeared charged up.

Honestly, op I think the issue is that you are scared to be without him and so are accepting things you know you shouldnt.

If he had ended up in hospital late night? And people became aware, how would you feel your son knowing that on his birthday his father went out and did coke and didnt come back in enough time so you had to take his brother on his trip out

When has 'my dad went our on my birthday and took coke' ever come out of someones mouth that had a good childhood?

You dont want to answer it, but would you choose an take an illegal drug that would make your mental health worse AND put you at risk of suicide.

Throughout the thread you have made excuses for your husband's coke use and/or minimised it. You need to stop doing this. He's supposed to be your carer! If he was employed by a company and turned up too coked to do his job, he'd be sacked.

People's views on drugs differ. My mum is a very professional social worker and very responsible in all other areas but smokes weak pot at the weekends. A lot of people in this area and in my age group dabble in all sorts. Especially weed. I pick my battles.

But by accepting that he does it you’re giving him the permission to do it.

scarsthelot see that's what pisses me off most. If you're going to be dumb do it on your own time. But now it's obvious he went out last night to DS (he doesn't know about the coke obviously, he's 9) and that we're having to take his brother with us now.

I’d break up with him. I have no time for people who use drugs and especially not for people who take cocaine with the destruction and misery it takes in the supply chain.

This is a bloody big battle that needs to be picked - the consequences for everyone involved, in your family and in other families is potentially, of actually, catastrophic. You need to stop minimising this and take it seriously

I could've written your post OP. Similar diagnosis, have been hospitalised with it, am in long term treatment and positive about it and the future. I separated from my DH, because he drank and used drugs to deal with stress. Tjis made him abusive long term. He takes coke with his single friends. But he's done it for years, all the time weve been together and he will never stop. I hate it. He lies about it, pretends its casual, a one off, that he deserves night out a night off, borrows money to pay bills in the weeks before buying it and if it was at a party and he had a commitment to his kids the next day he wouldn't chose them over drugs either. Only a few times a year now too but its too often for me.
Yes your illness is hard work for him, but
Your kids deserve his full attention, they don't have the choices that you two do.
I left him.

OP I am so sorry. I hope one day, you get yourself well enough to realise what he is doing isnt ok.

You son is old enough to pick up on things. Its not good for him.

You know you woulsnt choose to make yourself mentally ill and a suicide risk. You wouldnt choose to use a product that devastated people lives. But you are accepting that from him. His poor ethics in regards to strangers AND his family , would be a deal breaker.

I just hope he doesnt do anything stupid, you get well and see you and your kids are worth so much more.

You dont want your son growing up talking about he got to 14 and realised his father was regular coke user and his mum didnt think it was a big deal.

You’d allow your child to live with a drug user? How do you not realise that your apathy is the reason he’s doing it

A lot of people in this area and in my age group dabble in all sorts

And you think because a lot of people do it, it's OK?

I don’t know anybody who does drugs (I’m early 40’s) am I out of touch !? I knew people who did when we were in our 20’s, one of them is dead and the rest have grown up

It’s fucked up to consider it rare to be taking drugs regularly and looking after a child 🙄

@Alexandra80 I also have complex mh and have a similar situation to yourself as I am the only driver so do all the shopping and fortunately have not had any severe episodes in years, since I stopped trying to work a ridiculously draining job. So I can understand how difficult it must be for yourself but can also see how hard it is on your dp as my dp is also my unofficial carer and tries so hard.

Personally I do think its healthy that our dp get to go out to have a drink and let off steam every few months (mine usually goes out about every 3 months, but dosent touch drugs as he knows due to my past experiences I personally cant tolerate hard drugs), and my own dh often gets incredibly drunk and is never home when he says he will be and is always MUCH drunker then he says he will get. And I also tend to spend the night awake seething waiting for him to get home and usually am frustrated by his lack of communication during the night until he starts heading home and often by what I see as unreasonable (it's always at unconvient times). As much as sometimes it's not fair on me, I do recognise that my dh is a person who enjoys a good drink and a night out and although i dont, and can see the benefit it has for him in the long run that it gives him a chance to have fun and be himself and also to go without the pressure of being my carer.
Although not going to lie if my dh timed his night out like your dp has i would be very angry as its negatively impacting your plans for your sona birthday and that would make me angry.

Personally when your able to do so as calm as possible I would sit down and talk to him about it. Without attacking him and using phrases such as "I feel like", "this has made me feel" and explain that although you are happy for him to have nights out with friends your very upset that he chose this particular night due to needing his support for the DC, and although it wasnt planned, just this time was very bad timing and it made you feel hurt and let down by him.
Also I would personally tell him your really struggling with everything including trying to manage housework atm and see if he would be able to take over a higher amount of it, or do anything that's left once you feel unable to do anymore and pick up the slack for you, as you feel overwhelmed by life and really need the extra support. (My Dh actually does the majority of our housework even while working as he can see I often struggle and am unable to cope with it, although I tend to do deep cleans and organise everything from food shopping to deep cleans and do them myself) my dh does all our cooking though as I find food shopping hard and stressful therefore actually cooking is mostly a no go for me.

You sound like you are still in the default parent position, which isn't compatible with how ill you are. I grew up with a parent (My dad) with very serious mental health problems - depression to the point of suicide attempts, some form of trauma based personality disorder - and during the worst year he did not really do any parenting unless he had back up. He simply wasn't well enough.

For him to just opt out with no notice as he has today shows he really doesn't understand the situation. Him refusing to get up also suggests you're still pulling the majority of the weight.

You've done the right thing as a parent getting help. I know how hard that is. He either needs to acknowledge he's not coping, in which case he needs to seek help and you may need further support short term, or he has to accept he has to take responsibility.

That includes taking care of his kids emotionally. Your 9 year old deserves better than his dad's behaviour today.

I'll take it on board scars

And thanks littledragon I get what you mean. And yeah I do need to just drop something for a bit, whether it's food shopping, cooking, housework upstairs, something like that. Just so I can rebalance.

little sorry to hear that. I'm so so aware of how hard I need to work to make sure my mh doesn't traumatise my DCs or that my behaviour never veers into anything that will mess them up or make them hate me.

I do feel I'm pulling a lot of the weight and he's inadvertently reaping the rewards of being a stay at home dad and a carer (people can't stop praising him of course). That's probably slightly skewed because I'm angry but it's close to the truth I think.

He needs to grow up and stop. I absolutely would not tolerate this. You've given him the green light to take drugs, obviously when he's under the influence he isn't thinking straight or about his responsibilities thus leaving you to pick up the slack.

I do feel I'm pulling a lot of the weight

You need to be firm with him so this doesn't happen, otherwise your own MH will continue to suffer. He is your carer - he needs to be fulfilling that role, and you need to stop tolerating the coke use.

I don’t believe he stayed up until 6am on two lines of coke.

But more importantly, OP, if he hasn’t worked in months in order to be your carer and take care of the kids, why is he not getting out of bed in the mornings in general and why does he think spending today in bed shirking his responsibilities to sleep off a coke comedown is OK?

It really sounds like your MH issues are making you grateful for someone who isn’t pulling his weight.

I think you need to read up a bit about coke. I work in the NHS and have seen a rise in young men having heart attacks after a night taking it. All in their 20 - 30s. It's taking a very real and serious risk.

Its always a one off

Except it isn't, is it? He is letting you down and exploiting your and your dc vulnerability to avoid looking after dc. Not much support there realky

I feel like a lot of people are quite uninformed about what someone might be like after a line or two of coke on one night out.
The reasons for not doing coke are manyfold. Its ethically horrible, and of course its physically addictive and a stimulant. In my opinion its one to be avoided, but the fact is, unless he actually HAS been on a massive bender and both OP and her partner are lying, then likely he will come home today and carry on as normal. Possibly grumpy from lack of sleep.
its also perfectly feasible he didnt take that much. Coke is stupidly expensive and unless youre in rich bankers/London city people/rock and roll circles, then people arent usually that generous with it. Theyd tell you to get your own. Certainly not doling line after line out to every hanger on whos begging for some

Why on EARTH would you think you’re being unreasonable?! I’d be absolutely livid with him!

I don’t believe he stayed up until 6am on two lines of coke

I stayed up until 9 o clock the next evening on election night. I had half a bottle of wine and a coffee.

It's hid childless mates that have the crap.

Why do you keep making excuses, nobody is shoving it up his nose but him. You are in denial that your partner is a drug taker and it's a casual thing he just does and you're fine with.

Doe your therapist know?
He's no carer to you to take this and leave you to it with the come down, leave you with the children (one who has issues too) and not be there for you in high stress times like the night before a Bday party. He's causing more stress to your mental health.

I live in the south east, near London. Sooo many people my age do coke. Its as common as weed or alcohol on a night out. Shit but that's how it is. They've started screening people at pub doors because it's such a thing.

So do I, and it doesn't have to be if you don't hang with people who take the stuff. It's a choice, he's choosing to do drugs.