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Original poster

Dh still out. Coked up. Once off but aibu

271 replies

Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 05:31

It was our DSs 9th birthday yesterday. I'm taking him and a friend to soft play at 11am today and he knows and is supposed to be watching our youngest (2yrs, who's delayed and has other stuff going on) so I don't have to leave when youngest has had enough and our eldest can have a longer time with his friend at soft play etc.

Anywya dh goes out with his dad for their usual Friday meal. All fine. He messages at 10 to say he's bumped into friends who he rarely sees and is going back to theirs. All fine. I'm glad he's seeing them because it has been a month or so, so that's nice for him.

But he let slip they have coke (not a huge issue for me personally as its always a one off and he never buys it himself etc). I ask if he'll still be able to watch the youngest in the morning etc. He says yes. Fast forward to now. Its almost 6 and he's still at that mates. I know I'm probably BU but I don't want to leave my youngest DS with him if he's fucked because he's autistic and very loud and will get snapped at by DH who'll be tired etc and it's not fair on DS. I'm really pissed off tbh.

(Some context so I don't get accused of dripfeeding, I'm also quite unwell mentally to the point of being on disability benefits and a year long therapy course to try and get me back to a better place. I'm trying so hard everyday to be a good mum and stay well etc. He's my "carer" atm).

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 04/01/2020 11:01

Two lines and up till 6am?

Come on OP. You seemed clued up enough to that is utter shite.

Coke is becoming such a problem where I live. Most of my friends do it. It's becoming tedious. And I'm now the 'boring' one because I don't do it. (I used to just to be clear.)

Trewser · 04/01/2020 11:02

Being a stay at home dad and a carer is fucking hard. Especially when its not the norm.

CheeseNOnionPasty · 04/01/2020 11:04

I’m not saying it’s not possible to stay up all night without coke @Trewser. I’m saying when you go back to a house to snort coke and stay out until 6am (knowing you’re going to be fucking up up the whole next day for your family), it’s unlikely you did that on two lines.

Coke really isn’t expensive anymore, either, especially the shit coke a lot of the younger generation take on an average night out.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/01/2020 11:06

Drugs apart (although that’s bad enough) isn’t a carer supposed to make your life easier? How is he doing that, especially today, but by the sounds of it most other days too?

CheeseNOnionPasty · 04/01/2020 11:08

‘It was only two lines’ from a coke user who has been out all night is in the same ballpark as ‘we just talked and had one kiss’ from a husband who’s been staying at a hotel with another woman all night...

But anyway. The main concern here is that the OP needs a lot better from her partner than this.

recklessruby · 04/01/2020 11:09

Yanbu. Deal breaker for me. I ve seen people messed up and turned into nasty versions of themselves on drugs.
Tbh knowing I had a 2 year old to look after the next day, autistic or not, I wouldn't even make a night of it out drinking. Hangovers plus little dc noise is the stuff of nightmares.
I get the impression you feel guilty for your MH issues and too grateful for him stepping in as your carer. Other people praise him and reinforce this.
Remember YOU are a person worthy of love and consideration too.
You didnt choose your illness anymore than someone with diabetes chose their s.

AgentJohnson · 04/01/2020 11:09

Doing coke is not ok but home life sounds incredibly stressful and although the timing wasn’t great it sounds like he wanted to temporarily escape, which is understandable.

MMadness · 04/01/2020 11:10

How many times is a once off?

womenspeakout · 04/01/2020 11:13

I know him well enough to know if hes charged up to his eyeballs.

So he gets charged up to his eyeballs then?

As other have said, you are accepting of what he does as you think you should be grateful he's still there with your MH, and you don't value yourself enough saying you don't look good enough. You think you should just take this, you shouldn't.

Your husband isn't going to be at your child's birthday party as he was out all of last night doing coke. He's not a great husband or father, at all. There's no question about that.

Also, at nine, children will understand what is normal behaviour and what is not. He'll notice when he comes home 'charged up to his eyeballs' and that the next day he sleeps it off. It's probably quite scary for the children.

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 11:14

agent normally I wouldn't begrudge him. It's just that he knew he had to help today and he kept saying all through the early hours 'yeah I'll be home in a sec, I'll be fine, don't worry etc'. But I get that we have a lot going on and he's likely finding it hard on his own way. All I can do is keep the communication going. And we definitely need to get out more, seperately and as a family.

trewser me too! Now that was harrowing.

Thanks branleuse

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 11:15

women it's not a party. Just a play date the day after his birthday. And he's never been around the kids while on coke. That WOULD be a ltb offence.

OP posts:
womenspeakout · 04/01/2020 11:28

women it's not a party. Just a play date the day after his birthday. And he's never been around the kids while on coke. That WOULD be a ltb offence.

So he never comes home?

You said yourself you know when he's up to his eyeballs in the stuff. If he's coming home coked up, then he's around the kids, isn't he?

Clare45BST · 04/01/2020 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longwayoff · 04/01/2020 11:31

' Not bothered as it's always a one-off'Hmm

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 11:32

I've not seen him charged up to his eyeballs fgs but I know what it looks like. Seen plenty of people in that state. And no, he goes to bed and wakes up at some point having returned to almost normal besides a hangover from the alcohol and maybe a low key downer. The kids don't see him the moment he comes in. They see him several hours later. Like most parents that have had a night out.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 04/01/2020 11:32

I married him so I definitely see it asong term. I'm very invested.

That's a good point of departure but are you sure he feels the same investment and commitment? Have you thought of asking him directly to get his views and feelings?

It may feel like a basic question but it gets him thinking beyond himself and beyond the immediate, to a future either with or without you and his DC. He could start to think about what he stands to lose ...

womenspeakout · 04/01/2020 11:35

And they never wake up? How do you know this?

And you are the one who said this I know him well enough to know if hes charged up to his eyeballs.

And, it is your sons birthday party, to all intents and purposes, it's for his birthday. Stop making excuses and minimising it. It was your sons birthday yesterday and instead of being at home he went out and took drugs.

Have you discussed his drug use and subsequent impacts on you the day of and next day with your therapist?

daisychain01 · 04/01/2020 11:35

It may also help for him to confront the reason for his drug use.

Scratch beneath the surface of "it helps me relax/have fun/connect with my mates" and he may have unstated fears and anxiety that the drugs have become a coping mechanism for.

iforgotthatyouexisted · 04/01/2020 11:36

@CheeseNOnionPasty I can stay up all night without anything but booze. If I'm having a good time then I can be out until 6am with the help of a few tequila shots.

KTJean · 04/01/2020 11:36

Not the point of the thread, but I had a year of extremely helpful counselling through Rape Crisis which massively helped me with flashbacks and ptsd. I am no longer on any medication, although I still do have some anxiety in certain situations and suffer headaches. I appreciate your MH issues go beyond this, but I wanted to say that there is good support outside the NHS if you are able to access it.

In terms of your partner, I do agree that he is adding to your stress and mental health burden. I am not sure if I have understood this correctly, but I think you said your mum looked after the DC when you were in hospital - and you are easily doing half of the domestic load or more, and dealing with erratic behaviour from him, whilst he has given up work and is drawing a carer’s allowance. So why did he give up work completely if you are doing so much, and your mum was on hand when you were in hospital?

I am a single parent and my youngest is on the autistic spectrum with some other additional needs. Especially when he was little, it was hard work and in itself stressful, without Mh issues on top, and I still have to manage my job too. I think your partner is quite frankly a disgrace if he is drawing state benefits, not actually doing the majority of the domestic load so you can rest and recover. Even if he did not buy the coke himself, he is participating in an illegal behaviour which relies on organised crime. I would struggle to respect someone who did this, to be honest.

FizzyIce · 04/01/2020 11:41

I voted Yabu as you happily let dh take coke knowing he’s looking after your kid the next day.
That’s fucked up .
You can’t tell him that’s ok but then take the moral high ground because he’s been out too late.

LittleSweet · 04/01/2020 11:42

I was very ill with depression and anxiety and have two autistic dcs. Dh was my carer for years. He never went out on coke benders or stayed out so late he was going to fuck up a child's birthday treat. Stop making excuses for your dh. He's being selfish and thoughtless. Especially when you are ill.

MsPepperPotts · 04/01/2020 11:56

He should have gone with you today to soft play to really help YOU out.
No matter what time he got home.
If he is supposed to be your carer that is what he should be doing ...helping you help yourself with the DCs.
He is carrying the majority of the mental or physical load for you.
In fact he makes it a lot more difficult for you because he cannot handle or take care of AS DS.

In the meantime he's getting all the praise from outsiders as he portrays himself as a great dad and carer when really he's neither and you can see that.

He would be better off going back to work and you getting yourself some direct help for you. e.g. A cleaner and Someone to help you to help yourself with things on a daily basis.

My friend does this type of thing for a young woman with MH with 2 DCs she accompanies her to drop the kids at school and also to go shopping. She also has a cleaner.
Sometimes they go shopping when it's quiet and sometimes they do Click and Collect at Asda or Tesco because she cannot always face people and crowds.
The main fact is that this lady gets help directly to help her and it's improved her MH so much.
Her DH went back to work because in the end he knew he wasn't really helping her.

Good Luck OP Flowers

Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 12:24

You're purposefully misreading this. I've never condoned or let him be in sole charge of the kids when he's been out, regardless of whether it was drink or drugs Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexandra80 · 04/01/2020 12:27

mrspepper I do feel at this point he either needs to pick up more slack or go back to work really. It'd be better for us both I think.

Thanks littlesweet

OP posts:
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