Dating thread 179 - am I doing it right?

[Chochito]

Looked for the new thread but couldn't find it...

Hi everyone I’ve been reading your thread for a few days now and I think that you are all best placed to give me some advice. I’m not long out of a long term relationship which is another story entirely. Anyway to distract myself I thought I would go onto tinder just for a little look and I came across a profile of a lad I went to school with many moons ago. We matched and have been messaging ever since, added each other straight away on fb as we weren’t friends on there. We have really really hit it off. But this is too soon isn’t it? I haven’t met up with him yet but the conversation is just complete banter and he’s managed to make me smile which I haven’t felt like doing for a long time.

Any advice appreciated

I'm an introvert too socially, although not at work.

I have a couple of friends, but never been one for big groups.. I don't think I've ever found my people, and hahe had confidence issues in the past

Where is the test link please?

@grumbalina, i don't think it's too soon, just go and have fun.

I think if they make you smile go for it. Mr Smile has been and gone and makes me smile, unlike others who make me anxious.

I am completely focused on him only after today!

I am an extrovert but I think this is to hide that I feel insecure. I can then come over as I talk too much and over friendly. I really struggle to get it right as then on the other hand, I don’t include myself in a lot of activities so I flip between them both

I use my personality (charm) more than I use my looks or intelligence because I don’t really rate myself physically or intellectually but this hasn’t been a bad strategy - I have a good job where people trust me. I deal with complaints all day and I am good at negotiating and diffusing people. On the other hand I don’t like to cause conflict myself, but I am good at resolving it

@Grumblina as you already know him you could meet for coffee or a
Drink as friends with no expectations

@bangheadhere40 sounds good you have that clarity on him as your focus

@Grumblina

Day date would be a good idea not big expectations just a nice catch up?

Lunch and a walk etc

Re rebuilding self esteem etc, I’m no expert at all as I survived a strange and moderately neglected childhood with self-esteem intact as my darling grandfather went out of his way to cheerlead for me. Without him, god knows where I’d be, but I learned the behaviour that if someone tells you you’re great, believe them. In one way or another, I guess that’s what we’re all looking for here, validated belief in ourselves. OLD is not great for that until the unicorn comes along - but this thread is!

Posted before about meeting a guy an hour away, neither of us really have money to do a proper date and I'm looking for a more casual thing anyway.

He lives an hour away and doesnt have the means to get to me so would mean an hour drive there and and then an hour back.

We met on POF and seem to get on really well, been speaking since about 23rd Dec but I have cancelled last min every time I'm supposed to meet him and not sure why.

Any advice? I seem to be trying to talk myself out of it or one minute i find him really attractive and then the next i think something stupid like wow i really dont like his nose or hair etc.

I'm supposed to be going to meet him tomorrow, was adamant I was doing it, then I convinced myself that I dont find him attractive any more so have cancelled 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️..

What is wrong with me?! Should I just pull up my big girl pants and go or... stop stringing him along and stop all contact. I have no idea what I'm doing. completely new to the dating game too!

@jane thanks, I am definitely into just him now, I seem to like him more every time I see him ( so far anyway).

Snazzy either go or stop messing the poor guy around (stop messaging him). If you are just looking for something casual and you don’t find him very attractive then find someone else, there’s plenty more out there. Don’t just feel like you have to meet him. I talk to lots of people but only meet a handful.

@snazzy, agree, don't go if you don't find him attractive. A few of us on here have had thos the other way with being messed about by irons. Just cancel it for good if you aren't into him and you know it.

I do find him attractive, honestly really do it's only when it comes to getting in my car and driving there I seem to just go in panic mode. I dont know if its nerves first time meeting someone or because I'm worried about the drive.

We did speak about it, he is happy with Casual and has said we get on so well that he would be happy if were just friends.
Also has said he has to continue to just chat/speak on phone until I'm ready to meet him.

Has anyone else been a bit of a Nervous wreck and acted like a cow?

happy too chat...**

Menora - introvert/extrovert is not about how you present, but about how you recharge yourself. I need company in order to feel like my cup has been filled. A little time alone is OK, but too much is torture. I'm a classic extrovert.

Have you tried doing the Briggs Myers test? Fascinating stuff.

And yes, personalities can change over time. Our life experience shapes who we are.

I used to need the alone time for a recharge but now I need some company to get me through the day. Surely that doesn't change? I thought the introvert/extrovert thing is just how you are. Maybe I've become a sociable introvert.

@SnazzyLump are you mr Special? What was his name @bangheadhere40? Either meet him or don't. The longer you chat the more you get into the fantasy idea of each other.

Mr. special?

I can't remember his name! But he's been doing the same to @bangheadhere40 and it's worth seeing how it feels from the other side. Sorry to be harsh but when a man does this the phrase "either piss or get off the pot" has been used.

@Grumbalina, why is it too soon? You're on Tinder so hopefully that means you are looking to meet people. You get on really well - why wouldn't you meet up? 

@shitwithsugaron, I have learnt with my family to keep quiet on my plans and in particular OLD until I'm certain I have something I want to tell them. Too much judgement, my kids are away from home most of the time at Uni, so now I get told I need to think of the dog!!

@Snazzy, is the travelling rather than meeting him that is giving you cold feet?

Sorry @SnazzyLump I meant to add, could you meet half way and he gets public transport?

Please can I have advice? Me Smile has basically just said he loves me and it was love at first sight.

I didn't say it back, but is this a huge red flag too early?

We've met 3 times, is he love bombing, I don't think so and am really inti him but not in love yet.