Dating thread 179 - am I doing it right?

[Chochito]

Looked for the new thread but couldn't find it...

Menora sending you a hug I had a weird emotionless childhood - my mother died in the summer and what I'm really grieving is the parent I needed, not the one I had. I'm an only child and no other family apart from my DC. My relationship with my father is worse - he had a horrible violent temper and I was terrified of him. It's making dealing with him being old and frail fucking awful, to be frank. I am so used having nobody to rely on ever

Mr long distance is about 70 miles away...

It makes me so sad to read about those of you without supportive parents. My mum is driving down in a couple of weeks to take me to a biopsy but she also is getting older and I'm dreading the eventual inevitable. What I do know though is that if a friend asked me for support I would give it and be hurt if they felt they couldn't ask.

I have, however, very much felt the loneliness of being single this week when I lost my job and have felt the full weight of it without the security of someone to lean on who's on my team like that. It's made it so much worse

Hugs to you both Bat and NoMore.
You are both strong and amazing too

My parents are very supportive but my mum has anxiety issues so I tend to shield them a lot which I probably shouldn’t. My ex h was also very unsupportive with no empathy what so ever

NoMore the feeling of no one having your back in the shit times is the loneliest feeling . I did one of the personality tests - my results were that I was secure in a friendship and with Mr BC but dismissive-avoidant with my father. 9 years of therapy hasn't budged that 😂

That is what I have been struggling with. I've called it loneliness but it isn't really. I'm happy being on my own. My mum is very unwell and she used to be good for an offload and a bitch although she's never been emotionally supportive. It's dealing with the stress of life alone. If i get properly ill there is no one. I do have 2 good friends but I worry about giving them compassion fatigue plus they have partners and families. As do most of my friends. My life is very chaotic and stressful currently. I'm also supposed to have a big op which I'm delaying as there is no one to look after me.

Having said that it was no different in my marriage. There was no emotional support, probably the opposite. If I was ill he shouted at me. If there were practical problems we disagreed and he blamed me. So it's better being without him I've just forgotten that it's easier being alone.

@Stuckinarut79 it depends what you’re happy with. My last LTR was with someone who lived over 200 miles away for around half the 8 years we were together.

Oh and same as you @BatshitCrazyWoman secure with friend, dismissive avoidant parents. And yeah over quarter of a century of therapy maybe just about dealing with it... actually. No.

@Stuckinarut79 yeah depends on your situation, what are the transport links, do you drive, how much free time do you have etc etc As I keep saying we're all different. I won't go for anyone further than 5 miles... 😁

Even with someone close in distance it can be hard to meet up With work and child care etc etc.

to those struggling with loneliness, and having little or no support.

My mum was a single parent, who obviously had to work to support us both. I basically brought myself up, and learnt very early on to rely on myself. I still find it very difficult to ask for help, but it's got better with counselling and some fairly painful self realisation.

Obviously, it has affected my relationships with women, including my XW, as I can appear emotionally unavailable, which is not the case - it's a defence mechanism.

@Menora - this is a pretty supportive group. Is there someone on here that could help?

@Menora @BatshitCrazyWoman @NoMoreWeepingAndWanking it’s so sad - yet weirdly reassuring to me - to read about your relationships with your parents. I have a difficult relationship with mine that I don’t really discuss with real life friends because I always feel other people will judge me and assume i’m difficult. Last year when I told my mum my husband had left she was no support and seemed concerned my ex wouldn’t cope on his own. When I said I felt her loyalty should be towards me she said I had always been independent and competent and never needed support and I thought that’s because she ignored me as a child so I got used to my own company. I was reading up on attachment theories last night and generally people with my background become avoidant but for some reason I was actually quite secure as a teenager and in my early 20s. I think it may be because my wonderful grandparents gave me the unconditional love I needed. I It’s only now I am insecure but I assume it will pass.

Anyway while it’s hard for us on a day to day level having no one to look after us when we’re sick and to share the burden of childcare, at least we have this self awareness and know how to bring up happy, secure children who feel loved.

@AverageGuy but surely that is the whole point of being emotionally unavailable, it's a defence mechanism.

I know that d as after 15 years in my marriage I no longer really know how to relate to anyone emotionally. Mr U was perfect because he has many emotional barriers. Even with him I was always surprised if I told him about a daily event and he took my side and listened. ExH would shut me down half way through any discussion and no letter what it was any difficulty be that practical, emotional, relationship was always always my fault. No idea if I'll ever get over any of that.

@unambiguousbeard - maybe.

I, at least, know I have a coping / defence mechanism, and am working to do something about it.

Good update, had a chat with mr smile, seems he has been playing it a bit cool as he really likes me. He is coming up today for a couple of hours now as well as tomorrow.

I think appearing emotionally unavailable is a coping mechanism too.

@stuckinarut

Not too far, my iron is that far away.

I think I come across as “emotionally unavailable” due to my last serious relationship, I’m not sure how to snap out of it, it is a coping mechanism, I don’t want to let anyone too close as I don’t want to get hurt or more importantly get taken for a ride.

I’m still not having much luck finding dates.

I have been busy decorating my living room, it looks much nicer (still in progress) but makes me a little sad as no one other than me and the dd’s really get to appreciate it and often I’m just sat on my own, would be nice to have someone to share it with, someone to cuddle up with in my new sofa other than the cat 🤣

unambiguous my exh treated an unwell me like a defective domestic appliance. So uncaring. Mr BC is the opposite and I am definitely thawing! I trust him and will tell him my fear and so on. He's on my side and will give helpful advice if asked. It's so hard to get used to.

Stealth I'm learning not to care what care workers/hospitals/social workers think of my attitude to my father - they did not have my childhood and have no right to judge. It's hard for friends who have amazing relationships with their parents to understand, but that's their issue.

menora and everyone who is struggling.

Just did the test and I have a secure attachment to my mum but am precoccupied or fearful avoidant of everyone else 🤷‍♀️ Makes sense. I hate putting on people and am terrified of being rejected.

Excited to see Mr Fact later!

Yes it’s not loneliness that isn’t how it feels. I’m not lonely. I have found it hard to explain... its that awful feeling that you have so Many people relying on you but no one to turn to when you need it.
My Dsis feels it now so I can at least relate to her! But she doesn’t live close by
And I have 1 friend who does get it

Being ill and getting shouted at is the basic description. I’ve always felt like I am not allowed to be ill. All my partners have been unsupportive too

@Menora I think you have nailed it. I don't often feel 'lonely' (I barely get the time!) but I do have sudden pangs of 'there's no-one to support me through x/y/z' or 'who asks me how my day has been when I get home'?

Truth is my exh never asked me anyway so I'm missing what I never had!

I just did the test and I’m secure with my friend and DF, and mr Greedy, preoccupied in relation to others - but who wouldn’t be? Friends and family are a mixed bag, the trick is knowing which ones are fair weather and which are for real.

Alarmingly, it says I’m a narc . Off to read up on that.