Dating thread 179 - am I doing it right?

[Chochito]

Looked for the new thread but couldn't find it...

My ex h said I was ‘always I’ll’ well I did have / have a life threatening medical condition you prick

Thing is if you are emotionally unavailable you will end up with people who have no empathy. They don’t pry into your life for a reason - they don’t give a shit!

Is there anyway to check how long someone has been on Match? Or when they joined?

Typically, how many people do you chat to?
I had two one is regular chats.

My ex father to my DC would use all the vulnerable parts of my life against me to hurt my feelings
I know he didn’t even mean them when he said them - but he would choose the most painful things to say to cause pain to me

I've used that Your Personality site on and off since splitting with long term ex for self evaluation. I like the graphing of results over time. Somewhat alarmingly I arrived at the site as a secure person, and have become anxious the longer I've been involved in online dating/been single. Funny that, eh ? Maybe that's a clue ! 🤔

@TigerDater I scored 1 out of 60 on the narcissist scale which probably means I should look in the mirror more. You don't strike me from here as being particularly self regarding so maybe try another test as the questions on that site don't seem particularly pointed (too general, not situational) ?

@Azura19 Nope, no way other than to ask them how long they've been on. Chat to whoever wants to chat with you so long as you find the chat is interesting and they seem to be genuine and want to meet in real life. Chats can drop off pretty quickly a lot of the time as people find who they are most interested in so best to just go with the flow.

I love this thread. That's all 😘

@Menora that’s very interesting I never torn him about bad and traumatic things that Happened in my past and he never asked. Then when other bad things happened he didn’t care.

I've done the test and it came back as fearful avoidant

I suppose it sort of makes sense since my ex died that I want and seek a relationship but once I'm in one I'm fearful of commitment and close myself off to avoid being hurt/left or let down. I guess being aware at least gives some insight into behaviours and that's a good thing.

I have a second date at the cinema tomorrow night!

I wasn’t sure on those narc questions to be honest
A lot of them were about whether you care if you achieve in life or not. Most people do care!

hairyarsed I just did the test honestly. It asked a lot about looking in mirrors and being the centre of attention, both of which I like as I have exhibitionist tendencies, but that doesn’t mean I’m a twat towards other people? Food for thought though. Having been monumentally used for 15 years of my marriage, I am now consciously much more selfish. Need to make sure I don’t overdo it I guess 🤷‍♀️ . It’s a scary thought that OLD can change your personality- I hope you’re ok, I know things haven’t been easy.

A little narcissism is healthy, surely? I scored 2 on that test but I'm introverted with low self esteem so it's pretty obvious why I would!

My exh would use any weakness against me so I learned not to show any vulnerability or have any needs. Exactly the same as my mother and I did with my father

Tigsy yay on the date - what are you seeing?

I have a second date tomorrow - yippee!

Self-regard is good batshit, that’s why it’s the first thing abusers destroy. The average is 12 on that test. I scored 21 😱. Shurely shome mishtake?

Interesting Batshit - I'm firmly on the I side too.

On self-esteem, I almost disregard it as mattering. I don't know whether that means I have low self esteem, rather that it's something I ignore or don't really think about. In a way, it's just one persons opinion ! Guess that could be interpreted as not trusting in myself, but it's not that either. I feel all I am to others is what I do and my own thoughts about that are irrelevant. This is being secure isn't it ? Oh blimey please don't all pile in and tell me I'm fucked up !

@TigerDater Yes, I'm good thanks and my results are trending away from anxiousness but after writing this post I'm not sure

@batshitcrazywoman
This -

My exh would use any weakness against me so I learned not to show any vulnerability or have any needs. Exactly the same as my mother

Me too. No idea how I get over this. I'm trying really hard to be different with my kids and I hope I am.

I think I have a date with Mr Parrot but not until week after next (he has some time off work) which means I have no date for this weekend. Mr Parrot says he’s coming off POF, didn’t indicate it’s because of me, he often comes off, we have both been on and off there for a few years and have been chatting on and off the whole of that time but never actually met as one of us usually vanishes. We have now exchanged numbers.

Mr Beard contacted me, he’s had a chest infection and flu so I’m not sure when/if I will see him again.

I’m on a local Fb singles page but haven’t actually been to any of the meet ups, I would like too but I hate groups of people, I know I need to put more effort in with this type of thing but I get more nervous than I do meeting one complete stranger 😬. I could try and attend something this weekend.

Do you think you can change from being an introvert to an extrovert? I spent my entire life as an introvert. But in the last few years I love company. And I need it in a way I never did. I have had a complete transformation due to either menopause or therapy or both fro having no self esteem to loads and being practically mute to very chatty.

I am the same, I like meeting people and I find people interesting but I am quite the introvert often opting for my own company. I don’t have many really good friends, I know a lot of people and talk to a lot of people but I don’t think many people actually like me 🤔. I would love to be able to go out for a drink with a group of friends but once I’m there I find it really hard to interact with more than one person and find myself just sat there listening and not joining in.

I can deal with groups @Lovemusic33 but I can't deal with parties and small talk. I find them exhausting, going from one lot of small talk to another. A group in the pub however and I'm away. And I seem like I have loads of friends and people assume I do but actually very few people are allowed over my doorstep or into my home. I have about 2 friends I'm comfortable with!

I'm the same Love. My job involves talking to people I don't know well all the time, and I love it. But I need alone time to regroup ....

And yes Tiger my ex h destroyed my self esteem. I was fine before we got together

Oh I can't do parties!! I feel sick at the thought!

Batshit my job is similar, though I work in mental health so I talk to a lot of people who have no boundaries 🤣

I’m rubbish at small talk, I’m fine going to a pub quiz or something similar as there’s something to concentrate on other than making chit chat but groups of people I find hard, scared I will say the wrong things, tell a joke that’s not funny or butt in accidentally. When I’m just with one person I probably talk too much but in a group I tend to just sit and listen.

@Lovemusic33 I used to worry about all those things. Then when I was with exH he pointed out every single time I said the wrong thing/made a rubbish joke etc etc. Now I still do those things but I don't give a shit. Actually I do a bit. As I relax with people and start talking more I know I get it wrong an awful lot but I just don't think there's a lot I can do about it. That's me.