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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?

290 replies

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:34

On New years day I went on a first date with someone I had been chatting to for 2 weeks via Tinder. For background, i've been on a lot of dates in the last year and although they men all seem to think they go well, i am rarely interested. I go on second and third dates but im never bothered and I just move on to the next.

so we met at a bar in london, at his suggestion. we got a drink, then he suggested going for lunch. he insisted on paying for lunch even when I said let's go halves (he earns well and it wasnt expensive, so maybe just didnt matter to him and it wasnt an indication he liked me). i also earn well, we both work in the city. he then asked if i wanted to go for coffee somewhere else. i said yes. we had coffee, he paid while i was in the loo. we left and he walked me to my tube line, which was about twenty mins in the opposite direction for him.

after the date, i text to say thanks and that i had a nice time. he replied saying he had a great time too and that he had just got home. i replied saying i hope his journey was ok.

ive heard nothing since. this is entirely new to me because usually im never waiting in anticipation for a message. i dont usually think about second dates as inevitably they text me at some point and there is then suggestion of another date! on the date i was a little bit casual i think...as soon as i started to realised i actually felt something, i panicked a bit and tried to come across very relaxed (i realise this is silly!). he asked about dates in the past and i think i had said something like a lot of people want to go quite fast when online dating and it takes me a while to be sure about wanting to progress things with someone. this had been true when i said it...but by the end of the date is certainly wasnt true anymore as i was pretty definite in my mind that i wanted to see him again.

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone!! i joked about this on the date and when he suggested the post lunch coffee, i said was this him trying not to let me down quickly...he laughed and said it certainly wasnt the case here.

im clearly over analysing this and it is a taste of my own medicine i suppose as i usually dont have a care in the world after a date and almost everytime i am contacted. i thought the date had gone well but im surprised he;s not contacted me again? i sound crazy and im not, honest!!! im just new to this feeling... part of me thinks the old rule of "if a man likes you he lets you know" applies and so i should just forget this now?

OP posts:
SmellMySmellbow · 03/01/2020 14:44

You know him saying he 'wasn't sure about you anyway' is a childish retaliation? 'Well nerrr to you too!'? What a cunt.

Sexnotgender · 03/01/2020 14:44

Oh that’s shit!! “Separating soon” so actually still living with his wife and out on dates. That’s appalling, you dodged a bullet there.

I’m sorry it wasn’t meant to be but thankfully you found out early.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 14:46

well he said he's separated but not officially divorced was how he put it.

either way obviously i wont be seeing him.

im not sure his comment was a retaliation. im 35 and probably losing my looks everyday. i feel so shit.

OP posts:
Everytimeiseeher · 03/01/2020 14:46

She wasn’t sure about a second date as she now knows all the facts. He lied from the get go. Op has had a lucky escape.

Sexnotgender · 03/01/2020 14:46

I'm 35 too so time isnt on my side.

Noooo! I met my husband when online dating when I was 34, now 37 and married with a lovely baby. Plenty of time.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 14:48

His comment definitely was retaliation because he wouldn't have bothered telling you about the wife if he wasn't interested (unless he was intentionally trying to put you off).

user63212 · 03/01/2020 14:49

i feel so upset by all of this. i real;y wish id not even bothered going on the date. what is the point, it isnt like being 20 when things are simple. my time is over and i dont look like i used to. i have aged a lotthe last few years.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 14:49

Why would you do that

Because he's married and not even separated. Why do you think? Confused

I'm sorry op, I did say not to text him and wait to see if he texted you. The moment he told you he says yes to second dates he doesn't want it was clear, as I posted earlier, he was telling you not to ask him. I guess the benefit is you found out sooner rather than later. If indeed he is married and not just trying to put you off.

Forget him and move on. They aren't all cheats

Daisydoola · 03/01/2020 14:49

He's shown his hand OP.

He's a prick who gets nasty when caught out.

35 is no age. Single friends have been lucky on bumble.

Keep on keeping onThanks

AFistfulofDolores1 · 03/01/2020 14:50

There's a difference between being separated, as you've just written, and still married and separating soon, which you also wrote. Which is it?

category12 · 03/01/2020 14:51

Are you always this extreme in your emotions, OP?

user63212 · 03/01/2020 14:51

i just dont get it as i gave him every chance to leave...he wanted to stay! so why on earth not be honest about his situation there and then. and if he wasnt sure about me then why not just have the drink and fucking leave. not invite me for lunch that wasnt planned??

OP posts:
aufaitaccompli · 03/01/2020 14:51

Bullet dodged OP. Now you can free up that headspace for all the qualities YOU bring to dates and how some lucky sod will get to meet you soon.

Your frustration is understandable. Keep going.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 14:52

i, not always extreme in my emotions category ive just really had enough of plodding on with dating and it never getting anywhere. last year someone i met was married but at least he told me when i arrived so i could leave immediately. which i did.

OP posts:
jollyme12 · 03/01/2020 14:52

His intentions were not right thats why

HoneysuckleSpeck · 03/01/2020 14:54

Still married but separating soon

Is completely different to

Separated but not officially divorced.

Which is it? 🤨

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 14:54

There's a difference between being separated, as you've just written, and still married and separating soon, which you also wrote. Which is it?

Agree I cross posted with that.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 14:56

separated, living together, not divorced. its a no from me.

i just dont get why he would porlong a date if he "wasnt sure" about me. i know it is silly to focus on that but it just seems a shitty thing to do

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 03/01/2020 14:59

What an absolute prick. I am so sorry OP, fwiw you sound lovely and I am absolutely sure there is a gorgeous genuine man waiting for you. Keep your chin up.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 15:00

OP he was sure he liked you until you showed him you have morals. He said that because he didn't like the rejection.

Jboure · 03/01/2020 15:01

Text him
' now I know why you seem so familiar!. I know your wife. I must text her to apologise that I went on a date with her stbxh'.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 03/01/2020 15:01

You know what it sounds like, @user63212?

You met your mirror. You met a person who is avoidant and with a need to work through some attachment issues. I write this having read through your responses.

I know it's not the experience you wanted, but it is an opportunity, albeit one in disguise. Go and do some exploration of you. Take yourself away from dating, and delve into what really matters: who you are, what you've learned, what you continue to encounter in your myriad stymied relationships with men, and how to write a different script.

It may well be the best New Year gift you could give yourself.

HoneysuckleSpeck · 03/01/2020 15:02

I bet she has no idea they’re separated 😏

user63212 · 03/01/2020 15:02

i dont think he said that because of the rejection as he said it first. said he wasnt sure...i said ok. then he said i should probably tell you im still living with my wife.

OP posts:
zoobincan · 03/01/2020 15:02

She wasn’t sure about a second date as she now knows all the facts.

I understood that. What I don't get is why she said she wasn't sure about a second date after finding this out. The standard response text would be 'fuck off, you cunt' not impressed not sure about a second date now'

Hmm