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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?

290 replies

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:34

On New years day I went on a first date with someone I had been chatting to for 2 weeks via Tinder. For background, i've been on a lot of dates in the last year and although they men all seem to think they go well, i am rarely interested. I go on second and third dates but im never bothered and I just move on to the next.

so we met at a bar in london, at his suggestion. we got a drink, then he suggested going for lunch. he insisted on paying for lunch even when I said let's go halves (he earns well and it wasnt expensive, so maybe just didnt matter to him and it wasnt an indication he liked me). i also earn well, we both work in the city. he then asked if i wanted to go for coffee somewhere else. i said yes. we had coffee, he paid while i was in the loo. we left and he walked me to my tube line, which was about twenty mins in the opposite direction for him.

after the date, i text to say thanks and that i had a nice time. he replied saying he had a great time too and that he had just got home. i replied saying i hope his journey was ok.

ive heard nothing since. this is entirely new to me because usually im never waiting in anticipation for a message. i dont usually think about second dates as inevitably they text me at some point and there is then suggestion of another date! on the date i was a little bit casual i think...as soon as i started to realised i actually felt something, i panicked a bit and tried to come across very relaxed (i realise this is silly!). he asked about dates in the past and i think i had said something like a lot of people want to go quite fast when online dating and it takes me a while to be sure about wanting to progress things with someone. this had been true when i said it...but by the end of the date is certainly wasnt true anymore as i was pretty definite in my mind that i wanted to see him again.

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone!! i joked about this on the date and when he suggested the post lunch coffee, i said was this him trying not to let me down quickly...he laughed and said it certainly wasnt the case here.

im clearly over analysing this and it is a taste of my own medicine i suppose as i usually dont have a care in the world after a date and almost everytime i am contacted. i thought the date had gone well but im surprised he;s not contacted me again? i sound crazy and im not, honest!!! im just new to this feeling... part of me thinks the old rule of "if a man likes you he lets you know" applies and so i should just forget this now?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 14:08

She didn't say the exact same thing to him, re Read her op. She said she likes to take it slow etc. Which is nowhere near the same as saying she goes on loads of second dates because she's too polite to say no and it's with men she'd rather not see again.

Nancydrawn · 03/01/2020 14:11

Christ above stop it with the games.

You gave him terrible signals, OP. You told him you didn't like people who asked you out repeatedly, you didn't tell him you had a good date/that this was an exception, and you ran away when he tried to kiss you.

We ask men to read our signals and not be pushy. If he had bugged you for a date after those signals, it would border on disrespectful.

If you like him, text him again. Be a grown ass woman, not a teenager, and get some courage. If you aren't prepared to risk anything, ever, then you're not ready for a relationship.

But most of all, stop acting like being a woman means that you have to be coy, chased, and cossetted. There's nothing wrong with a bit of wooingand there's no reason to be a doormatbut it absolutely fucks with the power dynamic when we expect men to do all the action early in a relationship. (I didn't realize I would get ranty about this!)

If you like him, text him again.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 14:11

She said she goes on second and third dates when she's not really bothered about the men

OceanSunFish · 03/01/2020 14:13

Send it OP!

Jellybeansincognito · 03/01/2020 14:14

Why are people like this? It’s not a good start to any potential relationship to be playing games like this?

If you like him- be honest. What exactly have you got to lose?

ivykaty44 · 03/01/2020 14:15

Has he been in contact?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 03/01/2020 14:15

i text first and said thank you and that i had a lovely time. how does that sound like im not interested? i thought i was being pretty full on!

Then your perception of how you come across is a bit skewed, imo, OP.

"Thank you, I had a lovely time" is polite.
"Thank you, I had a lovely time and would love to see you again" is direct.
"Thank you, I had a lovely time and I want to start planning a future with you" is being pretty full on.

I would have gone for the middle option.

SebandAlice · 03/01/2020 14:18

I would text this afternoon but I wouldn’t ask him out. Normally I would say don’t but if you didn’t give him any signals that you liked him he might not text.

SebandAlice · 03/01/2020 14:20

Just re-read your op. You met for a drink. Was that the original plan? If so and he then suggested lunch and a coffee means he liked you.

SebandAlice · 03/01/2020 14:22

Also agree with the previous poster that your text ‘thank you I had a lovely time’ is polite especially as he paid.

ScoutFinchsHam · 03/01/2020 14:25

If you’re going to text him make it laugh out loud funny!

Nofunkingworriesmate · 03/01/2020 14:28

Send a easy breezy message...“ hi X I really enjoyed your company it was a great start to the year! if you are interested in a second date let me know, no need to be polite x 😉”

Daftapath · 03/01/2020 14:29

If you do text, I would maybe make a joke of him telling you he is too polite to turn down second dates and say that means you cannot ask him out on the next date

"Since you told me that you are too polite to turn down a second date, it means that I can't possibly be the one to ask you out on the next date!"

Nofunkingworriesmate · 03/01/2020 14:37

👆 I like daftapaths reply - funny and chilled

user63212 · 03/01/2020 14:39

RIGHT SO...text him (he doesnt have whatsapp). i just said how about a drink tomorrow eve?

he's replied saying yes but he wished he said this at the time...he's still married!! apparently separating "soon."

what the actual fuck? i officially give up on dating!

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 03/01/2020 14:39

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AFistfulofDolores1 · 03/01/2020 14:40

At least you know - and sooner rather than later. Sorry about that, OP.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 14:40

i am gutted but also cross. mostly just totally fed up. there have been tears im ashamed to say!

OP posts:
user63212 · 03/01/2020 14:41

i text back and said clearly i wasnt sure about a second date now. he's now said that he wasnt sure about me anyway.

wow. this has been a shit start to the year.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/01/2020 14:42

Ha!

Sorry, but after all that, he's cheating on his wife. Terrific.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 14:42

That's actually a good reply. He isn't going to string you along or turn you into the OW. Absolute arsehole for dating, but at least he has let you know before it went further

They are not all bad, you will find the right one

jollyme12 · 03/01/2020 14:42

see it as a blessing in disguise.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 14:43

i actually dont think i can go on any dates after this. ive had enough. i think i am just destined not to meet someone. im 35 too so time isnt on my side.

OP posts:
zoobincan · 03/01/2020 14:43

i text back and said clearly i wasnt sure about a second date now

What the fuck Confused

Why would you do that Hmm

I felt sorry for you as well!!

category12 · 03/01/2020 14:44

Don't catastrophise OP.

You had one date with a guy and found out he's a cheat. Before anything happened. That's a win!

Also, you know you can become interested in someone, so it's just a matter of finding a free one.