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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to make of this after a date? Is it usual or should I move on?

290 replies

user63212 · 02/01/2020 21:34

On New years day I went on a first date with someone I had been chatting to for 2 weeks via Tinder. For background, i've been on a lot of dates in the last year and although they men all seem to think they go well, i am rarely interested. I go on second and third dates but im never bothered and I just move on to the next.

so we met at a bar in london, at his suggestion. we got a drink, then he suggested going for lunch. he insisted on paying for lunch even when I said let's go halves (he earns well and it wasnt expensive, so maybe just didnt matter to him and it wasnt an indication he liked me). i also earn well, we both work in the city. he then asked if i wanted to go for coffee somewhere else. i said yes. we had coffee, he paid while i was in the loo. we left and he walked me to my tube line, which was about twenty mins in the opposite direction for him.

after the date, i text to say thanks and that i had a nice time. he replied saying he had a great time too and that he had just got home. i replied saying i hope his journey was ok.

ive heard nothing since. this is entirely new to me because usually im never waiting in anticipation for a message. i dont usually think about second dates as inevitably they text me at some point and there is then suggestion of another date! on the date i was a little bit casual i think...as soon as i started to realised i actually felt something, i panicked a bit and tried to come across very relaxed (i realise this is silly!). he asked about dates in the past and i think i had said something like a lot of people want to go quite fast when online dating and it takes me a while to be sure about wanting to progress things with someone. this had been true when i said it...but by the end of the date is certainly wasnt true anymore as i was pretty definite in my mind that i wanted to see him again.

he did say he finds it hard to turn someone down after a first date and that he's been on many second dates when he wasnt interested just because he didnt want to upset someone!! i joked about this on the date and when he suggested the post lunch coffee, i said was this him trying not to let me down quickly...he laughed and said it certainly wasnt the case here.

im clearly over analysing this and it is a taste of my own medicine i suppose as i usually dont have a care in the world after a date and almost everytime i am contacted. i thought the date had gone well but im surprised he;s not contacted me again? i sound crazy and im not, honest!!! im just new to this feeling... part of me thinks the old rule of "if a man likes you he lets you know" applies and so i should just forget this now?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2020 15:47

It's none of those things OP.
I can guarantee it.
He's a fucking bell-end!
That's all you need to know or understand.
I'm over 50 and still attractive - 35 is young.
Don't use this a stick to beat yourself with.
He's a player and a chancer.

otterhound · 03/01/2020 15:48

Thats awful op. Dating can be shit.

IndieTara · 03/01/2020 15:49

Op it's not your age or your looks- GUARANTEED
I'm 53 and dated on and off for the last few years. Never had a shortage dates, sadly a huge shortage of anywhere decent men

user63212 · 03/01/2020 15:51

the thing is i think it was genuine that he wasnt into it. i just replied ok then he told he should have told me about being married still.

the fact is he wasnt interested and i wouldnt have heard from him if i hadnt text. why he felt the need to prolong the date and seemingly make a lot of effort, is beyond me. i feel confused by it and it makes me worried i have no proper judgment in future.

OP posts:
Ated · 03/01/2020 15:52

The best times are when you aren't really worried and 'bang', you' get the biggest set of butterflies ever and fall head over heels.

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 15:52

This all seems a bit extreme,

It's a massive over reaction and 'poor me' in must be ugly/old' etc is self pitying crap. If OP acted so pathetically on the dates in question it's no surprise she isn't getting any further.

I really was sympathetic up until the point where OP 'wasn't sure' about a second date because he was married - it kind of all fell apart for me from there, it was also the point where the posts for compliments and back patting appeared.

It's a fucking dateZ. It didn't work outS. Move on!

queenie6687 · 03/01/2020 15:53

Maybe he's doing the same thing as you and waiting for you to contact him 🤷🏼‍♀️

zoobincan · 03/01/2020 15:53

And yes, it was harsh. It was supposed to be. Sometimes you need to snap out of it.

category12 · 03/01/2020 15:54
Biscuit
bangheadhere40 · 03/01/2020 15:54

He was probably trying to gauge on the date if you were up for sex, when you weren't he thought not to bother!

user63212 · 03/01/2020 15:55

zoob i understand what you are saying, this is against a background of a lot of dates where i felt nothing. it is shit and i know it is self pitying but ive just had enough today. im sure i will pick myself up again shortly.

OP posts:
Filofax2 · 03/01/2020 15:56

I’m 47 and a man. I was on here looking for some advice about helping my 3 year old overcome separation anxiety after we were away at the weekend - she hasn’t slept in her bed since we got back! However I read your initial post and my immediate reaction was that this guy is still married and is dipping his toe into something before committing to separating. His wife doesn’t know and you are best off out of it. What’s more interesting is that you were attracted to him and more than to any other dates. It’s easy to see why someone who is aloof and unavailable would be attracted to you and that might be because you really aren’t looking for a relationship just now. I would take time off dating if I was you. Don’t worry about his statement that he wasn’t sure about you - that’s what guys say when they feel bad about leading you on and know it’s time to close it down (as is the fact he paid for everything). I agree with whoever said you met a mirror / I think she meant someone who isn’t ready to commit rather than cheating bast*d ! Good luck and I’m sure you will meet your future DH soon. Come off the sites ... reflect ... then when it feels right jump and the net will arrive.

P999 · 03/01/2020 15:59

You know what. He did fancy you. Otherwise he wouldn't have lingered on the date. It's just that he was a dick underneath it all. And a CHILD. Nothing to do with you. 100% him. It's good to get a bit if rejection, every now and then. Thick skin and all that. Give it a day or 2 and a few distractions and then try and laugh it off. Cos there are arsehole out there. That's life!

thesunwillout · 03/01/2020 15:59

I think his marriage is failing, he decided to go dating, he's out of his depth, pissing about and unfortunately it was you that got entangled in his non sensical ego boost.
DO NOT cop for his ridiculous mindset, or actions.
You were not to know, and him extending the date was another decision made by him based on the entire farce that's in HIS head.

Don't you dare take this to your heart and beat yourself up.

I'm very glad you gave him a cheek and walked away op.

X

BlueCornsihPixie · 03/01/2020 16:00

I'm a bit confused with how the conversation actually went down but you are being a bit extreme with your reaction.

It was one man that wasn't interested. It's most likely he just didn't click. Or he's not looking for a relationship, there's no need for the "I must be really ugly or have a terrible personality". Not everyone is going to like you. It's fine. I'm sure there's lots of perfectly attractive, nice people you don't want to date.

readitandwept · 03/01/2020 16:05

Your ego's taken a massive hit and I think that's really what the issue is for you.

But this one wasn't worth the trouble. Either he is married, or he's said that to put you off.

user63212 · 03/01/2020 16:07

readit yes i think thats it. obviously it isnt the end of the world, i barely knew him. my life was fine before and it is fine now.

maybe i need to work out why i am giving myself a hard time and my ego is clearly been hit hard. i auto,atically assume im unattractive or said something awful.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 16:08

Op were you really thinking of still going on a date with him after he basically said he wasn't into you? I can't think of any other meaning to be taken from "I'm not sure on a second date now" .. and it's one of the more unusual responses to a bloke blowing you off I've ever read.

queenie6687 · 03/01/2020 16:09

You seem very judgemental about someone being married... you know divorce is a thing right ?
I personally think you did read the signs wrong and he wasn't interested and that he has made to the marry thing so you won't want a second date

P999 · 03/01/2020 16:09

Filofax s post has made me tealise what I've missed out not having a brother. Maybe I would have made fewer colossal mistakes! Good luck with your DD. Anything wring with a bit of co sleeping for a bit? She's only little. Maybe am soft, but I love cuddling up with my girls when they want to climb in. It's not going to last forever

user63212 · 03/01/2020 16:13

yep i defimitey think i read it wrong and definitely possible hes not actually married but wanted to show he certainly wasnt interested. either way i wont be picking up signs from anyone else fast in the future!

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 03/01/2020 16:14

I think there is always the possibility he has been run over and he is unconscious in a hospital. He may be even be dead!!!

No not really, send him a short jokey text, if he doesn’t reply, you have your answer.

P999 · 03/01/2020 16:16

You know what? You're not a mind reader. Relax and don't take it seriously until something happens. Plenty of fish. And go and watch some distracting tv or go out with pals. You'll soon think back and go Hmm

rvby · 03/01/2020 16:19

@user63212

i just dont get why he would porlong a date if he "wasnt sure" about me ... because he wasn't sure yet. He wanted to be sure.

Honestly? I would venture to guess that he was actually assessing how poor your boundaries were. Because hes looking for a mistress.

You've decided he was assessing "you" as in how lovely and friendly and so on you are. But folk assess all sorts of things on dates. In his case, it was likely a huge compliment that he didnt want to continue with you...

Also if he was just trying to get out the house, he may have just wanted company, which extended the date. Possibly hes not looking for ANYTHING serious and is just lonely and wants female company during a shit time in his life. (Not excusing it btw.)

I'm sorry its stung so much though. This time of year is awful for this. NYD seemed a v romantic first date time... easy to get sucked into fantasy mode.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 16:19

I think there is always the possibility he has been run over and he is unconscious in a hospital. He may be even be dead!!!

If there was ever w reason to read the thread,,,this is it. 🤣

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