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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't love me anymore

303 replies

TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 29/12/2019 15:44

Dh and I had an argument last night. After it had calmed down and we were talking he told me that he "loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should" "we've drifted apart" "have different lives"
I agree to an extent about us drifting apart. We don't have much in common and tend to do our own thing and haven t been spending as much time together as we should have been over the last year. But I still love him. It isn't fireworks anymore but I can't imagine my life without him. I expected us to grow old together.
We've been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. We met when we were 17 & 21. We have two children together who are coming upto the teenage years.
We don't have sex often anymore as he is dealing with an ongoing health problem and has been waiting for 3 years for treatment for this.

Is there anyway back from this.

I said to him that marriages need work sometimes. It doesn't always come easy. And feelings do change over time. Just like mine have. But he said it seems inevitable that eventually it will end. It makes me think he doesn't even want to try. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now.

Any advice?

OP posts:
SuperbMonkey · 29/12/2019 16:03

@TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken. I am so sorry that you are in this position. Flowers. There seems to be an epidemic of people behaving in this way towards their wives at the moment. Have a look at Runaway Husbands

www.runawayhusbands.com/

And chump lady

www.chumplady.com/

Everyone will say collect financial paperwork together when you can, and book a free session with some solicitors (January is always busy). Have a look at this website:

resolution.org.uk/

Others will be here soon with more advice.

SuperbMonkey · 29/12/2019 16:04

Sorry, meant to say spouses not wives. Mostly wives on mumsnet but there have been a few husbands too.

Original poster
TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 29/12/2019 16:21

Thanks monkey. I'm heartbroken. I don't know what to do. I really never thought this would happen to us.

OP posts:
Grafittiqueen · 29/12/2019 16:32

I've read so many of these threads on MN and there's always another woman. Sorry

Original poster
TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 29/12/2019 17:21

He's swore there's no one else. Just says his feelings have changed. He wants to try to make it work. But he doesn't know if it will.

OP posts:
WanderingLost167 · 29/12/2019 17:28

Tbh, it happens. Feelings change.

FiveStoryFire · 29/12/2019 17:30

There's always another woman. So sorry. Prepare yourself.

Hanab · 29/12/2019 17:33

Him swearing there is no one else is not the truth .. someone is there and he wants to explore .. read the many many posts on MN ....

He has checked out and men don’t usually leave without a back up plan in place .., again refer to MN posts ..

Maybe he is one of the honest men .. I would love to be wrong in my assumptions

PicsInRed · 29/12/2019 17:38

loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should

I'm so sorry but this is a classic cheater line.
Get a good solicitor, get everything you can get financially. You only get one financial settlement so make it the best you can legally get. 💐

MadamePewter · 29/12/2019 17:38

I too would put money on there being another woman. It’s the classic script and Christmas seems to bring these things out.

Begin to plan for life without him. Get finances sorted and book a solicitor’s appointment to know where you stand if it all goes tits up 💐

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 29/12/2019 17:48

Men don't jump unless they have somewhere soft to land. Get a solicitor and start searching.

Aja838 · 29/12/2019 18:22

I'm sorry. 💐💐 As others have said, get yourself sorted financially, in terms of assets, living arrangements, everything, get practical.
It's not your fault and it is sad but it happens. Maybe you will work things out but I want to say don't have too much hope.
You deserve better than someone who says they don't love you enough. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't feel like you do.
If there is another woman, more fool him. Maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis or grass is greener syndrome. You will need all the support from friends and family that you can get at this point. It will be hard for a while but you can get through it. 💐

Original poster
TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 29/12/2019 18:59

He isn't leaving. He said he wants to try. But then says he doesn't know if it will work.
He said the only reason he's said these things are because I said the same during the row (drifted apart etc) and now he's confused and doesn't know what to do.

I haven't treated him the best lately I have taken him for granted and become complacent. I have been part of the problem letting things get to this point by not working on things. I think we both checked out subconsciously.

OP posts:
MadamePewter · 29/12/2019 19:37

It will all become clear

Honeyroar · 29/12/2019 20:21

You were both so young when you got together it’s quite likely that you could have grown apart. If he’s really willing to work on it then it’s worth a try. Book some counselling for you both. See how it goes. But also keep your eyes open for flags at the same time.

Original poster
TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 29/12/2019 20:21

I have no reason to believe there is anyone else. He's a good guy. I'm hoping this is a blip or were stuck in a rut and we can come back from this. Nothing like this has ever happened before. Any ideas of anything I can do to help the situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 29/12/2019 20:22

What flags should I be looking out for @Honeyroar

OP posts:
WizardOfAus · 29/12/2019 20:30

There is always another woman. Do some digging, OP. check phone, email, etc.

Grafittiqueen · 29/12/2019 20:45

I thought my DH was a good guy, and he would never cheat. More fool me.

SuperbMonkey · 29/12/2019 20:50

Same here. Great guy, completely loyal, adored me, except he didn’t! They lie.

Minionmomma · 29/12/2019 21:03

Have there been any signs to suggest other woman - secretive about phone, cganges in sex drive - less or even more sex or different feel to your sex, changes in appearance- exercise new hair cut new clothes, longer hours at work/unexplained absences, changes in his attitude towards you - critical irritable contempt...

If not then there may well not be another woman.

What about marriage counselling?

TomHardysBitontheside · 29/12/2019 21:17

My ex husband was also someone no-one expected to be unfaithful. But he was. I got the same line "I don't love you any more".
After he left, I did some digging and found evidence of the other woman. He's still with her. I then looked back and realise the signs were there:
His phone didn't leave his side
He was away with work a lot
He became very weight conscious
He started brushing his teeth at bedtime (something he'd never done for the first 15 years we were together)
He still had sex with me regularly but showed me no other affection

Jiggles101 · 30/12/2019 01:01

Be honest, do you really love him or are you just clinging to the familiar and afraid of change?

Because the relationship sounds dead in the water from how you've described it.

What does he mean by 'try'? What does this look like/involve? Break this down into actions and behaviours as much as you can.

Couples counselling might help, but it can't turn feelings back on if they've gone. Can help people separate with respect though.

Original poster
TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 30/12/2019 10:59

@Jiggles101 I do love him. We said we would try by spending more time together like we used to. I can't think of anything else we can do. Any ideas?

OP posts:
squigglybook · 30/12/2019 11:35

There isn’t always another woman. My husband left me because he didn’t love me anymore and we’d drifted apart. No woman has emerged a year on so he was telling the truth. He was a decent person who just fell out of love