He doesn't love me anymore

[TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken]

Dh and I had an argument last night. After it had calmed down and we were talking he told me that he "loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should" "we've drifted apart" "have different lives"
I agree to an extent about us drifting apart. We don't have much in common and tend to do our own thing and haven t been spending as much time together as we should have been over the last year. But I still love him. It isn't fireworks anymore but I can't imagine my life without him. I expected us to grow old together.
We've been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. We met when we were 17 & 21. We have two children together who are coming upto the teenage years.
We don't have sex often anymore as he is dealing with an ongoing health problem and has been waiting for 3 years for treatment for this.

Is there anyway back from this.

I said to him that marriages need work sometimes. It doesn't always come easy. And feelings do change over time. Just like mine have. But he said it seems inevitable that eventually it will end. It makes me think he doesn't even want to try. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now.

Any advice?

You will feel like that. You’d be made of stone if you didn’t. You really need people around you to help you through this. Do your friends know?

OP, just want to offer a handhold as you must be feeling devastated just now. Please find someone to be around you IRL.

Yes. My two closest friends who have been fab and I told my mum tonight also. I don't know how people get through this? If he decides against us. Apart from the heartbreak. It will become common knowledge soon.

Thank you for messaging back OP, I’m so glad you have support. It’s a desperate situation to be in, but whatever happens, you will get through it. Baby steps at a time... Look after yourself, don’t try to think too far ahead because it’s probably all too overwhelming right now, not surprisingly of course. It’s all happened so quickly by the sound of it, and you don’t know if he really wants to end things at this point.

All I want to do is speak to him. Should I message him? I just want him to come home.

@thegoodnameswerealreadytaken I’ve been reading your thread as I’ve currently going through something similar. Dp of 15 years has told me he doesn’t see a future with us but can’t quite make a decision about what he wants. He told me NYE and I too have been an absolute wreck- can’t eat or sleep.

I really think (and I appreciate the irony of me giving you advice I probably wouldn’t take) that you should leave him be for a while. Chasing him and pressurising him never ever works, and if I’ve learnt anything in my relationship, it’s that me hassling him just does not work. Go NC if you can for 24 hours- set yourself little targets to get to throughout the day without messaging him. Focus on doing something else, it does work.

Ultimately I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I understand how you feel.

OP I’ve been in a similar position to you - please do not message him anything other than house/finance/DC related practicalities. If he is swithering, you will push him further away. If he is not and there is OW/ it is over, it will just make you feel worse and annoyed with yourself. Grey rock him. He needs a chance to miss you if there is any hope of working things out. All the best - it’s such a shit feeling

I think I'm trying to post here instead of bug him.
I just can't believe he could be willing to throw everything we have taken so long to build away. I feel like I'm going through every stage of grief at the same time. One minute I'm angry, then sad, then I briefly feel strong.
I haven't eaten in nearly a week.i can't face food.

You are feeling identical to me. I’ve hardly eaten and I have moments where I think this can make me stronger and times when I genuinely want to go to sleep and not wake up. I’ve no idea how I’ll function come Monday when I’m back at work

I'm back in work tomorrow. It's going to be hard. We've had rows before obviously. But nothing like this. I can't help but that it's all my fault. He's my everything

*think
Stupid phone

I hear ya.
I couldn't stomach anything solid.
Sugary tea and ice-lollies got me through this bit.
You could try smooth soups or smoothies as well.
Keep posting on here rather than messaging him.
Being needy right now will put him off even more.
It's amazing how strong we are when we have to be.

You absolutely WILL get through this.
It won't feel like it for a long time yet.
So just take each day at a time.
Lean on everyone you can.
Get all the love and support you need around you right now.

I just feel so out of control. Our future and dreams I had in my head could just vanish and theres nothing I can do about it. Life as we know it could change and i dont know what he thinking. We used to be so close. Then life just took over. Last night felt like an eternity. I don't know if I can do it again.

Been through this. He will not be able to say for definite that it's over and will have you torn to pieces. Not because he's horrible. Because he doesn't know what he wants. Trying to get the spark back is near impossible. It's a horrible thing to go through, but I promise there will be a light at the end of the tunnel

Do you really think theres no chance? I'm hoping were just stuck in a rut and we can fix this.

Thanks monkey. I'm heartbroken. I don't know what to do. I really never thought this would happen to us.

Dear OP if I had a pound for everytime I've heard this story, always around the 15th year mark where blokes just decide to opt out of their marriage when you thought everything was ok.
This includes me on the morning of our 18th wedding anniversary, we'd been together 20 years.
One day we were holding hands walking down the street, me thinking this couldn't get better, I was right it couldn't ,out of the blue he engineered an argument and stormed out leaving me to deal with all kinds of shit. Lost my job, home, sanity. That was three years ago, I'm living in a lovely rural area now, new job, friends, own home slightly downsized.
Couldn't be happier. Looking back all the signs were there I just refused to see them and/or thought it was a transient problem.
It does seem like the end of the world now but it won't forever.
I'm so sorry and hope you manage to get through this ok.
He really is risking losing the love of his children and he will regret this, the times my ex has asked to come back but I'm not having any of it. I have a good life now and don't want him back.

Yea I've read a few of these threads and most have been around the 15 year mark. I just can't imagine my life without him. I hope he makes the right decision to atleast give it a go. I've tried not to be all pick me about it. But I have told him that this is the beginning of the good years. Where we get a bit of our independence back as the kids are older. I really hope in 6 months I can look back on this and it just feel like a bad dream. I do feel like I'm going to wake up any moment and long for the feeling of relief to wash over me. I know we can get through this if we give it a good go and make time for eachother.

I couldn't imagine my life without my ex boyfriend. How could I ever be with anyone else? Or for that matter, he? We were together years! Both of us are now married and have two kids. My husband is amazing, I couldn't ever imagine life without him now and I can barely remember what my ex looks like.

Life without your husband can seem terrifying. But think of the possibilities you could have! Hard I know at the moment as everything is so raw

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I know what it's like waking up to a nightmare and mourning the future you thought you had.
Of course you're right that the best years would have been ahead of you both. He's lost that faith but you haven't.
Through all this grief you must hold onto that hope for the future - but this time for your future without him.
If he wanted to work at it he would suggest counselling and be trying to spend MORE time with you, not less.

They leave because they think they can find happiness elsewhere and are unwilling/unable to look inside themselves at the source of that unhappiness.
I kept thinking my ex would wake up and realise what a waste he'd made. But 18 months down the line he is still very, very unhappy.
You have the capacity to love, to commit, to have hope in the future.
That will pull you through these dark times.
Lean on your friends, do things for yourself, and see a solicitor. You will get through this.

I'm sorry your going through this , but you are doing the right thing by not contacting him.
This is a big surprise for you , but not for him.
He will have been planning/feeling like this for a long while, so this is not new for him. This is just the first part of his plan.
Ok if you can bear this, do nothing . Don't phone, don't text. Just wait and watch. See
now things pan out.
He may be spending all his time at his Dad's , but he might also be going out evenings.
Do you know anyone at his work, who you can speak with who would know if he's acting the same at work ?

He said that he's been feeling like this for a while. But he never intended to say it and to just carry on. It only came out because in the heat of the moment druing the row I said things I didnt mean and pushed him to tell me. Surely it can't be that bad if he was intendedinf to carry on indefinitely?

He will find out if I've messaged anyone at work. It won't look good.

He's staying with his dad. I've considered messaging his him asking how dh is as he will be at work now. But again his dad might tell him and it'll make me look desperate. And his dad's loyalties are always going to lie with his son.

As difficult as it is, OP, give him a chance to miss you.

Create the space for him to be wondering what YOU are thinking and doing.

I'm trying. It's just so hard.
He said that he doesn't find me attractive anymore and doesn't want to have sex with me but when we do he gets into it. I have let myself go and we havent been having much sex lately due to his health problems. I don't know if these his health has affected his desire and mental state as he's been ill for 3 years now and still waiting for treatment or if it really is just me.

He also said to me that he doesn't know if I want him or if he is just a good provider. This hurt..

I agree with Squiggly. There isn't always another woman. I don't think my husband had been unfaithful. But we have definitely grown apart. And it's like living with an acquaintance/a sister.