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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't love me anymore

303 replies

TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 29/12/2019 15:44

Dh and I had an argument last night. After it had calmed down and we were talking he told me that he "loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should" "we've drifted apart" "have different lives"
I agree to an extent about us drifting apart. We don't have much in common and tend to do our own thing and haven t been spending as much time together as we should have been over the last year. But I still love him. It isn't fireworks anymore but I can't imagine my life without him. I expected us to grow old together.
We've been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. We met when we were 17 & 21. We have two children together who are coming upto the teenage years.
We don't have sex often anymore as he is dealing with an ongoing health problem and has been waiting for 3 years for treatment for this.

Is there anyway back from this.

I said to him that marriages need work sometimes. It doesn't always come easy. And feelings do change over time. Just like mine have. But he said it seems inevitable that eventually it will end. It makes me think he doesn't even want to try. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Techway · 30/12/2019 11:41

@squigglybook, are you divorcing now? Is he still being amicable with you?

I thought no OW but she appeared 2 years down the line, she was married so she went through a divorce (her Ex H also unsuspecting) and then after a reasonable time felt they could "come out".

Original poster
TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 30/12/2019 11:48

I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
McTits · 30/12/2019 12:36

Sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been there and 99% of the time there is an OW. It may not feel like it now but you’ll come to see that he’s actually doing you a favour, being with someone who doesn’t love you is worse than being alone! It will get easier and you’ll see that it’s for the best in time.

At17 · 30/12/2019 12:41

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I have so much empathy for the grief and trauma you’re feeling right now.

My husband left me two months ago and I found posting on here to be a real source of support and good advice. I expect you’re asking yourself so many questions now and wondering how you’ll cope. But I promise that you will, even if it feels overwhelming right now.

Jiggles101 · 30/12/2019 12:51

Spending more time together is a good start. Having fun doing things rather than just sitting in front of the tv.

I also think you need to start having sex, or at least being sexual/sensual with each other. It's really hard to stay close with someone if this isn't happening.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2019 12:55

I'm so sorry OP.
I agree with others.
Brace yourself for the other woman.
It might not have got physical yet but something is going on.

Love you but not IN love with you is in the cheaters script.
As is re-writing history. i.e. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now

But.... you say you've been drifting for a while so this may be different.
But.... I'd do some digging!!!

Doggybiccys · 30/12/2019 12:57

Sorry this is happening to you OP. It hurts so bad. My H and I separated for about 6 months - relationship had become quite toxic to bd honest - lots of resentment and unhappiness on both sides. He had an emotional affair then left and it became physical. But she was irrelevant really - just a distraction / time filler . I was devastated but focussed on myself and DC. I got back to the “old” me that the years had worn down. I was civil and largely no contact - just about kids, money etc. In the end, we both really missed each other and we are back together over 8 months now. I am in a much better place and I am more my own person rather than wife and mother. My problem was I was so desperate to be a cool wife that i just went along with everything he said/ wanted. He was never nasty or anything, I just lost myself and became an angry resentful nightmare!

So please try to focus on yourself without doing the pick me dance. If you want to change your hair - do it for you. Practise self love. Do something nice for yourself every day. Nothing is more off putting than a desperate person - if you beg or cling, it is likely to push him further away. Even if it doesn’t work out, you will feel better in yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself - it’s early days Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2019 12:58

What may be to come, but actually written in a funny way.
THE SCRIPT

Ryah76 · 30/12/2019 13:06

My husband said the same thing to me, turns out he was having an emotional affair with his work colleague. He pursued this after I chucked him out of our house and within 3 weeks they were dating. He realised he’d made a mistake after I left them to it, he returned home and after some grade A acting and manipulation from the other woman ( so much drama involving hospital visits ) after some rage on my part, me calling a solicitor with a view to divorce and getting the estate agents round to value our house, hubs and I are living and talking together. We’re trying to re build and I know it’s going to take a lot of effort, but I won’t give up. We are just taking each day as it comes, doing silly things like playing board games, listening to each other , having date nights. I don’t know if we’ll come through the other side, but I’m hopeful. Try not to put pressure on each other, it’s hard but taking things slowly and re discovering who you are is important. As much as I found some good advice on here, be aware that the majority of posters here will give the advice to leave etc - but it’s your marriage, your life and only you know your marriage so do what you feel is right for your circumstances. I would suggest that you go out with your friends, get your hair , nails done, do things for yourself that will make YOU feel good - it really makes a difference and will give you a boost. Also, I found reading ‘The Secret’ changed my perspective and has really got me through the tough times. It focuses on the power you hold within and after reading each day it really perked me up.

riverside277 · 30/12/2019 13:12

I have been in your shoes, it's awful isn't it. All the people saying there's always another women are wrong, it definitely wasn't the case in my situation, it took time and effort but we got past it and are happy now. I don't know why people are so insistent there's always another woman. Sometimes you just get stuck in a rut when you've been together a long time. Give him some space to think about what he truly wants, you've both got to 100% want to make it work or it will just go back to how it is. Hope it all works out for you.

Zzzz19 · 30/12/2019 13:20

Whether there is an ow or not, it changes nothing about the way he feels. I think women try to kid themselves that if it wasn’t for that horrible ow, they would have lived happily ever after. Often the reason there is an ow is that the errant partner has lost interest in you and is not feeling the love. Yes it is cowardice but the end result is still the same, they don’t feel the same about you. Whilst you can work on this, it will only work it you are both totally committed and in my experience it just goes back to how it was in a very short space of time.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 30/12/2019 13:34

I don't know why people are so insistent there's always another woman.

When a British submarine commander has to make a judgement that the UK has been hit by a nuclear strike they start by trying to make contact with the UK via Naval Command or listening out for radio signals.
It's thought one of the key tests is whether the Today programme on BBC Radio 4 is still broadcasting or that someone has suggested there is an 'OW' on page one of. MN relationship thread.

Based on this they will decide whether or not to open the letters of last resort.

wheresmymojo · 30/12/2019 13:47

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster Grin

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/12/2019 15:14

When he says 'try', he does intend to try himself too, doesn't he?

I'm just concerned that you may bend yourself into knots trying to turn yourself into the perfect compliant partner to keep hold of him, whilst he makes no attempt whatsoever and then just announces it's over six months down the line.

Make sure that the 'trying' is equal, OP.

NotStayingIn · 30/12/2019 15:21

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. I know you said earlier that he isn’t leaving, but that is exactly what he is doing. He started laying the foundations for eventually leaving. It’s going to be very hard but I’m not sure there is much point in being in denial about this going forward. Good luck OP Flowers

Original poster
TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 30/12/2019 16:49

He keeps telling me not to be sad and upset as nothing has changed. He's going nowhere and wants to work on things. He admits his part in all this as do I. But I'm devastated. I haven't eaten a thing in 2 days. I feel sick. I cannot shake this feeling. He says he feels sick too and has spoken to his friend for advice today. He said his friend said the same thing happened to him and his wife a few years ago and they got past it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 30/12/2019 16:52

I'm trying to carry on. Like nothing has happened. But it's so hard as I'm heartbroken. I don't intend to change who I am. But I want to change my attitude towards him as it hasn't been the best lately. Neither has his. I have disrespected him and I have taken the piss. I know where I've gone wrong. I'm just not sure he wants this as much as I do.

OP posts:
Dawsoncreek · 30/12/2019 16:58

Whether there is an ow or not, it changes nothing about the way he feels. I think women try to kid themselves that if it wasn’t for that horrible ow, they would have lived happily ever after. Often the reason there is an ow is that the errant partner has lost interest in you and is not feeling the love.

Flowers
ConnorRipley · 30/12/2019 17:10

Hang on. He can’t say he doesn’t love you any more and expect to carry on as normal. He’s just let a bomb off in your relationship and he wants you to pretend it’s not happening?

The correct response is not to hang around doing the ‘pick me dance’ and trying to make him fall back in love with you. The correct response is to say ‘okay, if you don’t love me, then off you fuck.’

At the very least stop doing anything for him. If he doesn’t love you the. He can cook his own meals and wash his own skiddy pants.

Or he can get OW to do it for him. Because ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and variations on that line almost always mean his head has been turned. And once that’s happened the only thing you can do is start looking out for yourself.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/12/2019 17:45

Also, he does not get to tell you how to feel or not feel. You are upset. Because of him. Yes, it would be far more convenient for him if you just cheered up and were all girlish giggles and trying to woo him round, but you are, quite rightly, devastated. Why does this not register to him?

Oh yes, because he's had ages to come to terms with all this. You've just had it dumped on you. I agree with PP, he doesn't get to 'decide' in the comfort of his own home - send him off, OP. He can move into a hotel or his mum's or this 'friend' that he's been talking to. Make him feel how it REALLY is to separate.

He might come to regard you with a little more respect after that.

Original poster
TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken · 30/12/2019 18:23

I don't want him to leave. I don't want things to end. I really want to make things work. We're trying to get the spark back. If that doesn't happen then I'll ask him to leave. I just want things to go back to how they were before Sad

OP posts:
Kit19 · 30/12/2019 18:32

Big hugs OP (((((((())))))) giving him the benefit of the doubt, is he prepared to try relationship counselling? It’s no good him being all defeatist about it - what exactly is he going to do to change? What would like him to do differently? What would he like you to do? You say you disrespected him & took the piss - what did you do?

Kit19 · 30/12/2019 18:33

(Not to hijack but @At17 really hope you’re doing ok x)

chopc · 30/12/2019 18:49

The thing is you have been feeling exactly the same but the difference is he verbalized it first. If you want to make the marriage work, be grateful that one of you said something then start making an effort. Go back to when you first started dating - or if you were to start dating someone new and follow those steps

squigglybook · 30/12/2019 18:50

@Techway yes and yes. He’s very amicable, suggested we lived together to co-parent so unlikely to be seeing someone else on the side