He doesn't love me anymore

[TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken]

Dh and I had an argument last night. After it had calmed down and we were talking he told me that he "loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should" "we've drifted apart" "have different lives"
I agree to an extent about us drifting apart. We don't have much in common and tend to do our own thing and haven t been spending as much time together as we should have been over the last year. But I still love him. It isn't fireworks anymore but I can't imagine my life without him. I expected us to grow old together.
We've been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. We met when we were 17 & 21. We have two children together who are coming upto the teenage years.
We don't have sex often anymore as he is dealing with an ongoing health problem and has been waiting for 3 years for treatment for this.

Is there anyway back from this.

I said to him that marriages need work sometimes. It doesn't always come easy. And feelings do change over time. Just like mine have. But he said it seems inevitable that eventually it will end. It makes me think he doesn't even want to try. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now.

Any advice?

I really don't think there is an OW. I think life/parenthood/work has taken over and we've lost ourselves in it all. I know it will take time but does anyone think the spark can come back? Has anyone worked past this and come out of the other side.

But life/parenthood/work does take over. That's normal. All relationships settle down into that as it's not reality to maintain that early days of the relationship excitement.

If he finds this stage of your relationship unfulfilling that's his problem, not yours. Why are you taking the full responsibility of this onto yourself? If he feels like it's not good enough it's on him to change his life to gain a sense of fulfilment - leaving a relationship will not fill that gap. Replacing your marriage with the single life or another woman will not be the panacea he thinks it will. Especially when the reality of not living with his children full time and only having a single income hit home. This is for him to figure out. I had to leave my marriage because of physical violence and the long term impact it has had on our children, subsequent relationships, extended families, homes, emotional wellbeing and finances has been nothing short of catastrophic. It's only after 5 years have things started to settle down. I didn't have a choice in that. He has a choice and he alone will have to make it. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and protecting yourself and your dc, whether the marriage continues or not. He's not going to do it so you'll have to

Until you know the full story.
Until he is prepared to be very truthful with you, then you will be stuck in limbo.
He needs to be totally honest with you.
Full disclosure.
He won't though.
It's had to get the spark back once it's gone.
For me, if the spark goes, I then get the 'ick factor' and that's it.
That may be how he is feeling.
Give him space.
STOP doing the pick me dance.
STOP being needy.
STOP trying to save this all on your own.
Back off and wait until he is willing to engage.
He will never understand the loss of you if he never loses you!
You being there and basically begging, will be a massive turn off for him and will have him running for the hills.
Time for some acting OP.
You need to seem strong. You need to take back control of your life.
Fake it fake it fake it!!!!!
But stop any desperation stuff.
and it'll make me look desperate Indeed - much of what you are doing is making you look like this.
So stop it.
It's gonna be the hardest thing you ever have to do but you have to stop it!!!

How can I start acting when he's staying at his dads to think. How can I turn this around so he wants to come back without being pick me. He's coming after work to see the kids. I need him to get the Xmas boxes out of the loft so I can pack it all away. Then I'll need him to put them back again. I can't get up there. I don't want to seem needy but I need him.

It wouldn't be the end of the world if you packed up the Christmas decorations and just left them in the corner of the lounge. and got another male friend to put them up in the loft later this week.

You mustn't appear to be needy. He's already accused you of being 'needy'.

You are unwittingly already doing the 'pick me dance'. You can't help yourself because you love him so much and want him.

But, you need to take a step back. You want him. He knows that. But he had to want you too. You need to respect yourself enough to not make yourself look weak.

Difficult. Emotions rule the brain.

Why can't you go up there?
If you physically can't then do what you plan when he comes round.
Tell him to get the boxes then take the kids out while you pack everything away.
Then when he comes back he can put the boxes back and then bugger off again.
Be 'business like'.
Factual. Nothing emotional.
As he is leaving make the next arrangement for contact with the kids.

You can’t do anything to change his mind. At all. Only he can now. He knows you’re upset. He knows that you want to work at things. He has to decide what he wants. If he genuinely says he wants to work on the marriage then yes there’s a chance that you’ll get the spark back in time, but if he’s just dithering and half hearted then you won’t. You really need to step back and give him space and time to get his head straight. You could do with leaving him on his own with the kids rather than hovering around all upset and tearful. Could you go to a friends for an hour or two?

I've arranged to go to my friends when he comes later. I miss him so much though. This is so hard.

There isn’t always an other woman and I wish posters would think before swearing blind that there will be

Yes there is a chance there is one. But there’s also a chance there’s not! And swearing blind he’s got someone else in the pipeline isnt going to help the OP with how she’s feeling

I’m not married but me and DP broke up a few years ago (his decision). There was nobody else. He was feeling depressed about most things in life and wasn’t happy. We had no contact for 9 months and after us both sorting out shit out (I was far from perfect in the relationship) we ended up back together

Sometimes people do just need time apart to work on themselves. We are all human. We all get lost sometimes.

Whatever happens though OP, he has to make as much effort as you are if he’s truthful when he says he’d like to get things sorted. Suggest counselling and get it booked - if there’s an excuse from him then I’m afraid it doesn’t look good

@Loveablers how did you and your DP come to the realisation you needed a break? I’m in similar situation to OP. DP told me he no longer sees a future for us and I’m broken. I’d like to know more positive stories about how you worked through it

We argued and I said stuff and he said stuff. I said it as if to say we need to work on these things or this isn't going to work. Then he said that maybe I was right and we've come to the end etc. Then said he 'loves me but not as much as he should' which I guess is a nicer way of saying not in love anymore.
I'm really hoping for a positive outcome and that we will eventually be stronger for it. But I'm losing hope. I'm thinking the worst like I always do.

@TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through very similar with my DH - back in the summer, things just hadn't seemed right for a while but he clammed up and wouldn't talk. Eventually I got it out of him - I told him I KNEW something wasn't right and he as being unfair by hiding it and not being honest with me. And he said pretty much the same thing as your DH - "I dont know what I want any more, I love you but I'm not sure I'm in love with you any more".

I felt exactly the same as you, I could have written all of your posts in this thread. I was absolutely devastated and I was definitely guilty of doing the 'pick me' thing. I just felt absolutely worthless and wondered why I wasn't good enough. After he dropped that bombshell he just kind of dithered about what to do - he was going to go and stay at his brother's but couldn't decide if that was the right thing to do, blah blah. So eventually I took control of the situation and I went and stayed at my friend's for a few days.

It was very hard and like you, I really struggled with not contacting him. But as hard as it is, you do need to limit contact and give him chance to miss you. With my husband, eventually I started feeling stronger and in the end the anger took over and I told him to stop pissing me about and to just leave. I meant it too - I'd reached a point that I couldn't take the anxiety and uncertainty any more and I decided I'd rather be alone than constantly agonising over what he wanted. So I told him we were over.

He eventually admitted that he'd been depressed for quite some time (I felt really bad that I'd had no idea, but then again if he'd not told me then how could I know?) and it had just completely took over and clouded all his thoughts - he said it just made him feel numb towards everyone and that's what made him question whether he still loved me. But when I said I'd had enough and it was over, it shocked him into realising what he was about to lose.

We're in a better place now, we talk a lot more and we are more honest with each other about stuff - however I'll be honest, it's definitely shaken my trust in him a lot.

I hope that it does turn out the way you want it to - but IF he decides he wants to separate, at least you will know, you'll have an answer and you won't be in this awful limbo any more. Take control. Limit contact with him unless it's about the kids and if you are tempted to message him then post on here or message a friend instead. Either way, you will be OK x

I'm glad it worked out for you and your dh. It's good to hear a success story. I really hope dh and I have the same outcome. But I fear the worst. And now I feel like I shouldn't have made a bigger deal about it and we could have brushed it under the carpet while I subtly tried to bring him back by spending more time together, going out, kid free nights, weekends away. I feel like I've made it bigger than it needed to be. Now he's gone and he is questioning everything. And then it will be too late to try.

I have read the entire thread op and I feel for you so much. What time is he arriving tonight? Be cool and breezy when you leave to go to your friend’s house. Don’t pack up the Xmas decorations while he is there. Ask him to do it. You can do this. One day at a time.

OP, this is not your fault. 💐

These posters who say that “there’s another woman, I’m so sorry,” are incredibly patronising. Like it’s some kind of discovery that they have made about a relationship between two people they know absolutely nothing about.

It’s hardly difficult to see why so many people have affairs when that is the automatic expectation if they want to leave a relationship. Even if someone’s feelings have changed they are still accused of having an affair. .

OP, most marriages do go through this kind of thing. But the reality is that very few people actually admit to the fact, because admitting the truth means that they have to make decisions they perhaps didn’t want or feel ready to make. After all, if you admit your feelings for someone has changed then you have to make decisions off the back of that, you can’t just carry on as if nothing had happened.

You said yourself that you’ve grown apart, so although his declaration has upset you you know that what he’s said is right because you said it yourself, it’s just that he went one further and admitted that he’s not in love at the moment.

But if you both want to work on things then all doesn’t have to be lost.

you don’t have to constantly be in contact but you can communicate, you can go out on dates, you can sit and talk about things. He hasn’t declared the marriage to be over and said he wants a divorce, so take it from the point you’re now at and build from there.

It’s easy to lose sight of where you were until you find it’s too late, but you were there once, you can get back there, if that’s what you both want.

But you can’t have a decent relationship if you have to brush everything under the carpet, you should be able to tell each other what isn’t working or what you’re worrying about.

I’d give him a few days, then contact him to say you miss him and still love him, so would be happy to work at things if he wanted to as well. You could suggest a couple of counselling sessions to talk through everything and decide whether there’s a future. (in the meantime you could google local counselling services- even if you don’t end up going together it wouldn’t hurt for you to go alone). But don’t blame yourself for this, it’s a two person situation. And try and push yourself to eat a little bit to build up your strength. Try fruit juice, soup, grapes etc. Do it to be strong for yourself and your children.

I feel like I've made it bigger than it needed to be

Nope, you really haven't. I felt the same as you and regretted pushing him to open up. But the fact is, if it had been brushed under the carpet under the pretence of doing more 'date nights' etc, it would have come out again at some point. Things like that don't just go away. Honestly, it's better that you know now (although I know it doesn't feel that way right now) rather than dragging it for another 6 months/year/2 years and prolonging the agony.

I agree completely with @AlternativePerspective that there's not always another woman - I do hate MN for this! Of course sometimes there is. But not always, people can just be unhappy in relationships without there being cheating.

@Honeyroar gives good advice and I agree with every word x

He has already checked out of your marriage but is too chicken to tell you. Much easier for him to let you down in stages or be entirely honest with you.

My friend has been a relationship counsellor for decades. She'd say, 'there's another woman'. Maybe he's not having an affair but there is bound to be someone he is thinking about.

I think the OW thing is because of the cruelty of the way and time that the bombshell is dropped and the fact that there is genuinely a script that is followed, as linked to above. There is certainly a pattern followed by men having affairs.

I know how the OP feels. I was a total mess. Couldn’t eat or sleep; struggled to function.

I wish I’d followed the advice I got on here, which was pretty much identical time that on here. But it’s very difficult.

I honestly can’t tell you how incredible some of the advice on here is- I’m reading it and in awe of all your collective knowledge and wisdom. I feel x 10 stronger knowing I can read your advice and help. Thank you all.

It's not your fault OP - any of it. He is not leaving because of something you said nor your lack of effort and he's a coward for verbalising that when he is making out he's been thinking about it being over for years. It's not the 'right' thing to go back to someone if you no longer have feelings for them either or no longer are attracted to them. I realise that isn't what you want to hear right now (and do get it) but in order to save yourself here you need to take back control and remember he does not exist to plug a gap, and it is not healthy to want him back even if it degrades you just to lessen the pain and panic you're feeling.

As a long term strategy it will achieve nothing. He can come back because he feels bad and leave again when it doesn't work out. It is not for you to make extra effort here to make yourself a better option for him- he should already want to be with you and you deserve that.

Focus on yourself, don't pussyfoot for his benefit because he is going to do what he's going to do regardless and has been pretty plain so far that he currently wants out but just feels bad about it. Rally friends around, ask them to help you with meals, see the GP or utilise the samaritans if you feel panicked or very low. Be kind to yourself OP

Thank you everyone for all your support. You have been a great source of advice and handholding. He's still at his dads. He's coming again to see the kids tonight. They're in bits. He knows this. They begged him to come home. I left when he came and came home just before he left. I'm taking support from my friends who have been great. And I've felt much stronger the last couple of days. But he hasn't made his decision yet. My world could crumble yet again. Probably will. I'm just numb. There's no other way to describe it.

You’re doing well. You’ll have ups and downs, it’s natural. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along. Give him a few days, then tell him he needs to make a decision for all your sakes.