He doesn't love me anymore

[TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken]

Dh and I had an argument last night. After it had calmed down and we were talking he told me that he "loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should" "we've drifted apart" "have different lives"
I agree to an extent about us drifting apart. We don't have much in common and tend to do our own thing and haven t been spending as much time together as we should have been over the last year. But I still love him. It isn't fireworks anymore but I can't imagine my life without him. I expected us to grow old together.
We've been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. We met when we were 17 & 21. We have two children together who are coming upto the teenage years.
We don't have sex often anymore as he is dealing with an ongoing health problem and has been waiting for 3 years for treatment for this.

Is there anyway back from this.

I said to him that marriages need work sometimes. It doesn't always come easy. And feelings do change over time. Just like mine have. But he said it seems inevitable that eventually it will end. It makes me think he doesn't even want to try. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now.

Any advice?

Love you but not IN love with you is in the cheaters script

Or maybe just what often happens in long term relationships?!

@Kit19 just generally being argumentative with each other and picking on little things.
Ive not really being interested in what he says etc and have been being a bit of a bitch and taking him for granted. I've been feeling a bit low recently and havent been myself. Ive been trying to focus on me. I know it's no excuse.
But I recognise this and want to change.

Don’t be scared to admit to yourself that maybe you’ve fallen out of love with him.

He’s comfortable, a habit, all you’ve ever known about relationships. But honestly, if you met him in a bar tomorrow night, would you give him your number?

I asked myself the same question when I was desperately trying to cling on to a relationship with an ex. And I was brought up short when I realised that actually, my answer to that question would have been ‘no’. I just didn’t want him to reject me. Which was not the same as being in love with him.

He says he's "angry at me for the things I said during the row and for causing him to say what he said. Although it needed to be said."
He's being so cold and distant, won't touch me or even look me in the eye. It's as if he suddenly hates me. He said he needs some space. Maybe I am being a bit overbearing right now. But I'm just trying to turn things around.
He forgot to give me a kiss after everyone else at midnight. We had a party (reluctantly)
He's like a stranger. My heart is breaking.

If he says he wants to work on things, that’s a really good sign...it’s when they don’t that it’s a red flag for cheating.
Book some counselling sessions and try not to panic in the mean time

I'm not sure he even does. He says he does but now thinks he should stay elsewhere for a few days/week. He said he doesn't know how he feels and needs space to decide what he's going to do/make sense of it all

He’s got an OW. I’d put my house on it. Where is he planning on staying?

I think he should go btw. He’s being so cruel. He needs to fuck off and leave you alone.

He's going to his dad's

Chuck him out OP and get some mental space. Do you have kids ?

Yea 2. About to hit their teens

And does he have a thought for how his actions will affect them?

I’m so sorry, it’s beyond difficult when they say they “don’t know what they want” I’ve been there before and you can’t live like this, waiting for him to make a decision on whether he wants you or not, who the heck does he think he is.
I also think it’s true that most men do not give up on a relationship without having something else in the background.
I played the waiting game, treated him like a king trying to get him to pick me...I’ve never felt so low and humiliated in all my life (he was cheating). If I had my time over again, I would tell him that if me and our relationship isn’t good enough to pick in a heartbeat and fight tooth and nail for, then I make the decision that it is over. It’s so extremely hard for you at the moment, but you are strong and will get through this.

Well said @LanternLighter !! Hard won advice and wise words for us all.

There’s nothing in his actions that suggest that he wants your marriage to continue, he’s looking for an exit and once he’s gone you won’t see him for dust.

The story has already changed from him not leaving to him wanting to leave. He’s already blaming you for saying the thing that he agrees he should have divulged earlier.

Get real life support because his cowardly slow drip is already underway and is going to mess with your head.

I am so sorry but you need to gather as much information as possible and get legal advice, he’s already ahead of you and will use you wanting to stay in the marriage to string you along to his advantage.

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster - superb!

OP, sorry I came to send you a hug and say I hope you can stay string and think clearly. It is good that he is leaving for now - you need time alone to process this.

I hope it works out for you, you are so young, even if you divorce, you can remake your life (we can at any age) and there are lots of women on here who can support and inspire you with how they have done this, so keep posting and checking in.

He’s having an affair or thinking about having one.

I don't think he's going now. The dc's have asked him to stay. The eldest even offering him her bed. I can't even begin to imagine how earth shattering this will be for them.
He just keeps saying he needs space to think and ive been suffocating him since he told me. I have been trying to make things work but then slipping into depression. I've spent all day in bed. I cannot function.

You and your children need real life support. Uncertainty will cause them more distress than change.

Your H has checked out of your marriage and doesn’t want to check back in again. You’re in shock and are grieving but retreating into will make it harder for you and your children.

Talk to family and friends.

Do you have any friends or relatives who you could call on? I think you need someone with you tbh OP.

Oh dear. He doesn’t sound like he wants to work at things if he’s wanting to run away to his dad’s and is only staying because the children are begging him (what a shame that they already know at this early stage). I also dislike that he’s turning it round and is blaming his actions on you and what you said in the argument and what you’re doing now.

You do need support- especially if your mental state is fragile. Is there any way that you could go to a friend’s for the night? That way he gets space and can deal with the turmoil he’s created at home (it also means he can’t trot off to any other woman if there happened to be one).

(Ps, the red flags I was on about watching out for was suspicious signs of an affair while he was “working at the marriage”. But he doesn’t seem to be doing that anyway.🙁)

I made him leave. If he wants space he can start now. I hope he comes back. But I don't think he will. I feel numb.

I bet you do! He’s completely pulled the rug from under your feet, thrown a bomb into your world. You can’t make him work at things, you can’t make him try. Just get some people that will love and support you around you and focus on yourself and your children. He will have to face up to the consequences of his actions- if he wants to come back/make it work he’d better pull his finger out, hadn’t he. He can’t grumble that you’re smothering him or pushing him now. Hugs to you. I think you did the right thing.

I'm not coping very well. I feel so alone. I keep checking his WhatsApp to see if he's online just to feel close to him. It sounds so stupid.
I just know, after he's had his space to think. I'll have lost him forever.