He doesn't love me anymore

[TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken]

Dh and I had an argument last night. After it had calmed down and we were talking he told me that he "loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should" "we've drifted apart" "have different lives"
I agree to an extent about us drifting apart. We don't have much in common and tend to do our own thing and haven t been spending as much time together as we should have been over the last year. But I still love him. It isn't fireworks anymore but I can't imagine my life without him. I expected us to grow old together.
We've been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. We met when we were 17 & 21. We have two children together who are coming upto the teenage years.
We don't have sex often anymore as he is dealing with an ongoing health problem and has been waiting for 3 years for treatment for this.

Is there anyway back from this.

I said to him that marriages need work sometimes. It doesn't always come easy. And feelings do change over time. Just like mine have. But he said it seems inevitable that eventually it will end. It makes me think he doesn't even want to try. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now.

Any advice?

I did that😳 A bit.

But don’t... I regretted it though it was a way to take out my upset at the time

I remember that sense of wanting to smash something.
I took up gardening, which was a physical relief. A friend took up boxing.
But don't smash his stuff- rise above it and keep your dignity.
How dare he suggest that of you! How very rude and insensitive 🤬

That’s it OP, he’s now proved he isn’t your partner anymore. He’s not even your friend now

You absolutely 100% do need legal advice and a solicitor. He’s probably been planing on leaving for months which means he’s had time to process it all and get everything he needs in order. I mean you didn’t even know he had £250 hidden in his wardrobe - where else is he hiding money? And for him to accuse you, the mother of his children, of stealing it shows exactly the type of person he’s now going to be towards you

Once you hit the angry stage make the most of it. Please put yourself and your children first - he isn’t on your side anymore

I'm so very sorry this had happened but you can recover from this and come stronger and happier than ever.

Your old relationship is over and a new begins.

Start ti build yourself up.
Become the best you , you can be

Forces on all the positives.
Your children, your friends.

You now have space to figure out what you want.

Things haven't been right for a while and Space can help you both

He may miss you again and want to come back he may not but it will all be on your terms.

Just don't rush into anything.
Keep calm when dealing with him. Hold your dignity (kick and scream in private ).

Oh lovely I’m so sorry. Agree with the others, I’m afraid he isn’t your friend anymore and you need to safeguard yourself and the DC

Most solicitors will do a free half hour consultation, you can also try citizens advice bureau too

I don't know what to do. I was already low. I feel like I'm falling apart. Thought I'd found my anger before he left and was strong but now all I feel is pain nd sadness. Like a failure. My husband has left me. My marriage is over. Do I take my wedding ring off now. I've never taken them off. I love my rings. Everyone's going to find out and pity or laugh at me.

Everyone's going to find out and pity or laugh at me
You need to stop this crap right now OP.
People will NOT think that at all.
Your friends and family will want to help, love and support you.
Please trust us on that.
I would never have got through my breakups without my wonderful family and friends.
He's a cheat. HE did this.
Do NOT blame yourself at all.
This is all HIM!!!

You don't have to take your rings off if you don't want to.
There will come a time when you want to and that time won't be right now.
This is now a grieving process.
You will find anger sometimes, then sadness, then depression, then denial, then anger and so on and so on.
You need to give yourself a break here OP.
It took me a good year before I felt like myself again.
This will take time - a lot of time!
Don't expect to feel better about anything any time soon.
But if you aren't coping then get to your GP.
But honestly, friends and family WANT to help.
Reach out - today!

I feel like I drove him away or made him want something else by letting myself go.
I also became quite untrusting of him in the last few years. And didn't make an effort for him or our marriage. I'd subconsciously given up because he did. I put it down to complacency. All his stuffs still here. I don't know what to do first. Where do I start. What do i need to do!

This was his choice . It was not you, it is all on him.

OP it’s understandable to feel like this it really is. Everyone in your position goes through this, you’re grieving your marriage, your past life & the person you believed your husband to be.

But this is on him! If he was that unhappy he should have said something not checked out mentally months ago

You need to be kind to yourself, give yourself a break and allow the feelings to wash over you

But you must also go and see a solicitor x

Why was he keeping money hidden in his wardrobe? Then accusing you of stealing it

He is no longer your friend OP.

Nobody is going to pity you. Or laugh at you. We've moved on a bit from single women being an object of pity - don't worry about that. They may well feel sorry for you when they know what a tit your husband has been, but apart from that, they really won't think about it at all.

You need to think about yourself and the children, not what others might think. The anger is probably only a day or so away, and that will help.

Thanks everyone but I can't help but blame myself. I asked him why he didn't say anything sooner. He said he just got on with things and he isn't in love with me or even love me.
He said he never wanted to get married. He did it because he loved me at the time but felt forced into it by my parents as we had dd1. He really didn't hold anything back. Other than the probable other woman/possibility.

I will see a solicitor in a few days. I don't have a clue what to ask. Can anyone who has been through this send me questions I need to ask.
I've applied for benefits. I have to go to the job centre on Thursday 😭🤢
But he is still paying the bills. I'm not sure if I'm commiting fraud. But we can't transfer bills to me as there's nothing in my account to pay for them until I get the benefits.
I can't believe this is happening.

Any questions for the solicitor would be great so I can use my 30 minutes wisely. I have no money to pay for longer.

I'd subconsciously given up because he did
Indeed - he gave up first. And you followed.

You don't need to do anything today.
If you want to do something practical then make a list of what you need to do.
Council to get reduction in council tax...
Changing utilities to your name
Make sure you have the deal you now need on sky, Netflix, Prime, etc.... I got rid of Sky sports as soon as my Ex left.
Check you have the best Wi-Fi phone deal.
Know when things are due like house insurance, car insurance, MOT's etc....
Sign up with some job agencies.
Pack up his stuff.
Have a look at CMS site to see what he should be paying in maintenance.
etc.....
Cross one thing off a day or every other day.
You will have days where you want to do stuff and days where you want to do absolutely nothing.
Make the most of motivated days.
We all feel for you OP.
We've all been there.
This is truly this shittest bit!

Oh OP I’m sorry but what a cunt he is! I’ve screen shot some of the “script” so you can see that honestly this is classic behaviour to divert blame onto you for his shitty behaviour

Yea he said "that he's never known anyone besides me" aswell. I know there's someone else. I was just kidding myself. He tried to blame all this coming out on the argument we had.

Isn't it funny that the bitter twisted harridans who are so awful and man hating that they spot the behaviour (because they lived it too) and say 'there is OW' ...

let us know if our behaviour spotting was spot on, OP.

So sorry. YOU WILL survive. YOU ARE going to be fine. It is agony to begin with, we are with you every step of the way.

You will get a job, get a better job, develop yourself, stand on your own two feet, think that actually this new life isn't as terrifying as all that...

then you will notice how selfish he really was.

It’s a script OP it really is and you WILL get through this xxx you can always come here for a vent or a hand hold and there are lots of ppl who’ve been through this to give advice xx

I did post a link to 'the script' way back at the start of this thread.
What may be to come, but actually written in a funny way.
Here is is again CLICK THIS LINK
Read it. Be ready. Know what to expect.
It will all happen!!!

It’s NOT your fault.

It’s hard I know, the range of emotions, denial, anger, sadness. When my exh told me of his affair and that he was in love with OW (after the shock) I grieved - it was like he was dead. I remember sobbing into his jumper as it smelt of his aftershave. I thought it would be impossible to get over it. But you will survive as I did.

Things that helped; time, friends (particularly those who had been through it) and exercise and this book;
www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Mend-Your-Broken-Heart/dp/0593055772?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

We are here and rooting for you OP

Thinking of you this morning. Take things one day at a time . Write a list of all that needs to be done, make benefits the priority, switch everything into your name and make sure you are getting best deals on bills. Do an online shop of convenience food so you don’t have to worry about cooking. One day at a time

I was in the same position as your husband, I felt my husband and I lived together, but weren't really connected anymore and I could feel is drifting apart. To me it seemed inevitable that one day we would separate, which I cried about several times.

He had no idea I felt that way for well over a year and was upset when I finally told him. We discussed it and decided to be much more open with each other, even when our feelings might upset the other. We made sure to plan weekends away and date nights to have one on one time without the children. I can honestly say our relationship is now stronger than ever before.

I just wanted to let you know that there can be a positive outcome, it just takes some work.

@Luaa
Very true.
Happens a lot.
This situation can often act as a wake up call.

I'd say, start clearing out his stuff. Take it down, empty the drawers, move stuff out of bathroom etc..

These are visual things, reminders. If they leave a hole ie pictures gone, then see the hole and cry and then you just get used to it.

I agree with @something2say.

But new bedding and change your bed. Plan for a super girly bedroom maybe: try B&M and charity shops for cheap stuff to make it all yours.

It sounds shallow but I saw this tip on here and it really helped me.

When you do feel like eating just eat whatever you want. Put sugar in your tea. Drink meal shakes if you can’t face food.