He doesn't love me anymore

[TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken]

Dh and I had an argument last night. After it had calmed down and we were talking he told me that he "loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should" "we've drifted apart" "have different lives"
I agree to an extent about us drifting apart. We don't have much in common and tend to do our own thing and haven t been spending as much time together as we should have been over the last year. But I still love him. It isn't fireworks anymore but I can't imagine my life without him. I expected us to grow old together.
We've been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. We met when we were 17 & 21. We have two children together who are coming upto the teenage years.
We don't have sex often anymore as he is dealing with an ongoing health problem and has been waiting for 3 years for treatment for this.

Is there anyway back from this.

I said to him that marriages need work sometimes. It doesn't always come easy. And feelings do change over time. Just like mine have. But he said it seems inevitable that eventually it will end. It makes me think he doesn't even want to try. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now.

Any advice?

The last two days I have been much stronger. Last night my hurt turned to anger. I sent him a lengthy email. Laying all my cards on the table. I went on in length about us, where we went wrong, what im willing to do, what I want him to do, how this is affecting the kids and the fact that if he does destroy our family I will rebuild myself and will not wait around for him. I will move on. He read it this morning.
He came to see the kids tonight and took them out. I told him id send them out to his car as I couldn't see him right now. They all came back and he asked if we could talk. He said he's been thinking about it all day and wants to come home. He wants to give it our best shot. He said his feelings haven't changed but has missed me and thinks we can get it back if we both make changes.
So he's back. Am I a mug? Is he only back for the kids? I asked him numerous times and said He can't come back just for them. He said not and he's back for all of us equally. Thoughts..

So in the last few days he’s told you he doesn’t love you like he should, doesn’t find you attractive and doesn’t want sex with you but in the blink of an eye he’s home. What do you intend to do now? Surely at the very least you need couples counselling? Or are you so relieved he’s home you’ll just brush all his doubts and misgivings under the carpet? I can’t see that anything has been achieved tbh. Where do you think this is going? IMO, by letting him come back you’ve just given him a green light to piss you about. I think you should have made it a condition of his return that he spends some time away from you deciding whether he really wants to commit to your marriage and is able to demonstrate this. He’s just got what he wants really without any effort on his part.
hasn’t he? Prepare for him coming and going because I can’t see that anything has remotely been resolved here.

His yo yo act will harm your kids, change they can handle, uncertainty will fuck them up.

It’s time to get professionals involved for this ‘best shot’.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. The exact same happened to me this time last year when I was pregnant with our 4th child. He came back and forth, messed me around , said awful things to me, then said he wanted to try, them said he didn’t. Kept me hanging for weeks. It was horrendous, I really know what it’s like to have the rug pulled from underneath you. I found angry was easier than sad, angry made me function, sad disabled me. I can’t say what will happen for you, I know a year down the line me and the kids are ok. It’s been a hard year but we’ve got through it. My ex refused to go to counselling and has continued to behave like a dick - I’m glad I’m not with him anymore- with someone who is capable of behaviour so terribly. Take it one day at a time. Get support and set some boundaries, I didn’t and it’s because I was so heart broken and trying to Keep the family together but I wish I did.

I'm sorry, what changes do you have to make? He's the one messing you about. I think you have shaken him up with your e mail. I know you were devastated but now you've found your anger , he's freaked out. Just remember that anger if he does it again.
Lots of strong wise people on here who you know will help you.
Good luck.

The pick me dance rarely ends well.

He said we'd become more like friends. I agreed we had too. He just wants us to try and see if it works. He said he needs to stop being selfish as the last 15 years and everything we've built deserves us to give it our best shot. We want to just make the effort and not be so distance. Respect eachother more etc.

I am losing weight. But I am doing this for me to make myself feel better and if it doesn't work out. I will be in the best possible position to move on.

Excuse the typos. On my phone.

He panicked, you didn't respond how he expected you to. That's why he's back.
And now he's going to make you jump through his hoops.
Don't lose sight of the fact you CAN be without him and make sure he is putting in equal effort.

I think fair enough, but tel him this is the only time he will be allowed to do this, the next time it’s over. And he can’t just come home and expect everything to go back to normal, you book relate sessions and both have to put work in. Don’t give the reins back to him..

I think it's unfair for posters to say he's calling all the shots here. Op has already said she kicked him out and he wanted to stay. I believe there's a chance for you both op but you should probably stop questioning everything and getting 100 different opinions on mn. Only you know if it's worth investing in your marriage and if it is then I recommend you listen to each other and try to work through this together. Stop asking if you're a mug or being taken for a fool and start leaning into each other. Nobody here knows if there is an ow or if he's there just for the kids. Of course if things change and you see those tell tale signs then you know there's a wealth of knowledge and experience and advice here for you. Right now start concentrating on your marriage, what you actually want and what you're prepared to do and accept from him in order to move forwards. It sounds like you're in panic mode right now and that will not help you. Take some breaths and try to calm down. Your world hasn't fallen apart just yet. It needs work and you're both willing to do so. Good luck

So last night we went for a drink. It was a bit awkward but mostly fine. Saw a film. Ended the evening having great sex. Although I'm pretty sure he got himself hammered before we dtd on purpose. He still seems distant. He just feels so cold. It's horrible. I feel like I don't know him anymore. I'm questioning everything.

After we got back from the film. He went for a walk (to clear his head). He's never done that b4. He was gone for 45 mins. When he got back he said he just needed to get out. I am smothering him. He needed space to think. He said he was thinking about if it was going to work and if I'd ever forgive him for leaving.

I checked his phone when he was asleep. I felt terrible. I've never done that before but I had to. Nothing too suspicious apart from a few messages to female colleagues of his where he was a bit over friendly. Almost flirty but not quite.
And a message from his mate last night saying something about look after yourself and make time for yourself to think. No messages before that so I presume DH had deleted them. I only saw the response. Who knows what else he's deleted.

In the meantime it feels like there is just a giant elephant following us around. I'm struggling to talk to him. I just don't know what to say. I can tell he's struggling too. He's barely talking to me. It's like we've had an argument that is unresolved. It's that kind of awkwardness. Apart from a few hours last night. Any advice. I really want to turn this around. Hit the restart. When it was good it was so good!!

Good to hear from you OP. Although I’m slightly confused. You mention great sex but also that he’s really distant and that you’re smothering him. Did he instigate it? Are you both trying to ‘force’ normality to return by being as ‘intimate’ as you know how to, i.e. by having sex? I’m just very uneasy somehow, and your description of the evening sounds somewhat oppressive to me. I’m in a similar - although very different if that makes sense - situation, so I can relate to just wanting things to go back to the good times and not knowing how to. And feeling like being with a stranger is just awful...

I'm instigating pretty much everything. He's just going along with it. Maybe that's his version of trying. The sex was great. When we were out it was almost normal. But the rest of the night felt a bit awkward

Yous are trying to force hysterical bonding to ‘fix’ this broken marriage, it won’t work. You both need therapy, tootling along with these simmering emotions and unsaid tension will be destroying your children and making you both seem desperate and weak.

But the cause of this was that we neglected eachother. He said it was like we'd become friends. Surely sex, intimacty and passion will get things back on track. It is what has been missing?

Intimacy*

I’ve been where you are and it breaks my heart. Learn from my mistakes.. end it now. It won’t work and will destroy your life and self esteem and upset your children.

Mine was back and forward several times before I realised I just couldn’t do it any more. It was over two years of hell.

He had to get drunk to have sex and go out for a walk to sort his head out afterwards? And he’s deleted lots of things on his phone? 🙁🙁

OP if this is going to get fixed you both need to put the effort in. Not just you.

I think you need to lay your cards out and tell him it’s either all or nothing from both of you. Tomorrow tell him you’re booking marriage counselling. Tell him he needs to start making the effort or he needs to leave. Trust me, walking around on egg shells with that horrible sick feeling of not knowing whether it’ll work out or not is worse than him leaving.

Sorry I didn't explain very well. We got home. He went for a walk. Came back. Got drunk. Had sex.

Things have seemed to be a little less strained this evening.
The only thing I can think of doing is lots of sex and intimacy. The stuff we've been lacking. The stuff friends don't do!
We have never been the handholding, constantly kissing kind if couple but I am trying.

Oh god this all sounds so familiar and I'm worried for you. If he wants to work at it it should be HIM instigating everything, not you.
The sex is classic hysterical bonding.
My ex and I had 6 months of great sex while he "decided" if he was going to leave. I thought it was increasing intimacy but to him it was just fucking and he was having an affair as well.
Seriously though, it takes two people to repair a marriage and you both need to get to couples counselling. Pronto.

I have been where you are and ended up hating myself for it. I desperately wanted the sex to be a way of reconnecting. He was doing it to keep my quiet and from finally asking too many questions. In the end, we were so far apart during sex it was awful. I would have done anything to keep him. He wouldn't kiss me (saying he never liked kissing - which was news to me) and sex was always from behind (Tmi I know!). It was so he didn't see my face as he felt guilty. He also closed his eyes whenever I managed to be facing him. None of this ever happened before.

We are 3 years on and he is really into us but I will never get those memories out of my head.

Do yourself a favour and save yourself the misery by ending it now. The 'needing space', 'your smothering me' and disappearing in his phone were all signs of the affair that I believed he would NEVER have. Good luck and be kind to yourself. X

Bigblue, are you saying that you are still with your OH and yet advising OP to leave? Sorry, just confused.

OP, I have to second what other PPs have said, the sex sounds like hysterical bonding. I couldn’t think of the term earlier but I am familiar with it from a previous abusive relationship. All it’ll do is leave you feeling more alone than before, because it is fake intimacy unless you really rebuild your relationship.