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Original poster

Online dating - keep being hurt. Please help.

156 replies

SirChing · 29/12/2019 07:19

I have been online dating for about 5 months.

I have chatted to all manner of men online. Some, I have felt really close to. I have put that down to the fact that being online, all you can do is get to know each other's personalities.

I have met a couple of men where this has happened and while there may not have been an initial physical phwoar on my part, I have known that it's their insides I have liked, and then I have fancied them anyway.

I have spent a couple of weeks chatting to a guy online. Absolutely adore him and he me. Finally met last night and slept with him. We had to stop as we are both full of colds but I also suspected something was wrong afterwards and left. He has messaged me now to say that our spark and chemistry didn't translate into real life.

I am so hurt. I know he fancied my personality and I know that he fancied me physically too - until then. I thought it was normal to "come down to earth with a bump" when faced with the reality of someone.

He was saying to me before we met that he isn't shallow and we all have bits of us that we don't like. I feel so hurt that apparently that isn't true for him.

I really really adored who he was as a person and am now gutted. How do I move forward without getting so hurt?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/12/2019 07:36

You need to stop getting so emotionally invested in total strangers. You can't possibly "adore" some random that you've never met and chatting virtually to for two weeks. You can't know he fancies you, or you him if you've never even met.

It's fine to sleep with someone as soon as you meet them, but only if you're mentally ok with it just turning out to be w one night stand, or a fwb thing, if you're not then you need to take time to get to know them. Like actually know them, in real life, meeting up, over weeks or months.

It seems you're so desperate to be in a relationship that don't take the time to get to know men, you just decide they are the one as soon as they show any interest.

Take time to get to know them, by spending time with them, and stop kidding youtself you adore strangers you've never even met.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/12/2019 07:37

You adored and slept with a man you've been speaking to online for two weeks. That's your issue.

The point of online dating is to meet someone with similar interests, morals etc and then develop that in real life.

Try actually dating.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 07:45

Yep, I think you are both right. Its so hard not to start really liking them though when you get on so well online.

How the hell do I avoid doing that? Or do I just swerve online dating altogether?

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/12/2019 07:47

Do you only talk to one person at a time?
Honestly just try and treat them like friends and not consider it as anything more than a friendship until you meet them.

ncqtime · 29/12/2019 07:50

So you weren't compatible in bed. Move on.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 07:52

I do tend to only talk to one person, yes.

I really liked this blokes personality and I wouldn't have cared what he looked like unless he was really grim - it was his insides that I fancied. He said he felt the same and that he isn't shallow.

I have said to him that it would probably be best for him NOT to sleep with someone if he doesn't fancy them, and NOT to tell women that he goes for personality and then judge them on their looks.

It has made me feel that my body must be really disgusting as we knew what we both looked like beforehand, and I told him I had a horrid c section overhang but he said he didn't care. It obviously is as repulsive as I thought.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/12/2019 07:53

How do you avoid doing that? Just keep reminding yourself that it's a total stranger. Confused

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 07:54

Do you only talk to one person at a time?
Honestly just try and treat them like friends and not consider it as anything more than a friendship until you meet them

Good advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/12/2019 07:55

Don't invest so much in the online stuff. Meet them fast and spend real time with them.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 07:56

How do you avoid doing that? Just keep reminding yourself that it's a total stranger

I know that he is. But when you spend ages discussing your thoughts and feelings about various things, I suppose then that I no longer felt like he was.

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 07:58

Don't invest so much in the online stuff. Meet them fast and spend real time with them

Good advice. I think that is what I will have to do. I just feel so fucking hurt and humiliated at the moment.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/12/2019 07:59

That's false intimacy. It's easy to create online.

Did you actually go on a date with this guy? Or was it at his/your home?

Lefkosia · 29/12/2019 08:03

Dont pour your heart and soul out to strangers online. Arrange to meet them quickly and dont get so attached. As others have said, you cant possibly adore someone after a couple of weeks and it doesnt seem particularly healthy to me!

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 08:04

@Category12 that's really interesting about false intimacy being easy to create online. How do people do it? And that sounds like it could be used by predators!

Shit, I nipped round to his for a coffee as we felt too ropey to go for a meal somewhere. But if he HAD been a predator, I just left myself wide open for being attacked! I did tell my mate exactly where I was going with the address etc and told her I would be checking in with her so she knew I was safe, but even so.......

OP posts:
Booberella9 · 29/12/2019 08:04

Highly doubt the reason he stopped mid shag was a cs scar. More likely he has ED or PE!

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 08:05

@Lefkosia no, you're right. I need to hold back a lot more xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 08:08

@Booberella9

He told me beforehand that he finds it difficult to orgasm. So I was expecting that. But this felt like more than that.

OP posts:
AriadneCrete · 29/12/2019 08:10

Don’t spend so long talking online before you meet in person. This will help you stop getting attached so quickly.

Also be aware that invites to a person’s home, rather than an actual date somewhere, more often than not means sex.

ManxomeFoe · 29/12/2019 08:10

Online dating is a numbers game. My strategy was to chat to as many men that met my dating criteria (job, car, educated, no children, non-smoker etc). Then as long as there were no red flags from our initial conversations quickly suggest a date, and meet up with them as soon as possible. Otherwise you end up wasting lots of time and energy on people that are unsuitable.
If you think about it online dating is the opposite to picking up someone in a bar. With a real-life hook-up you know you have the chemistry and physical attraction but you don't know if their lifestyle, personality or values match yours until you get to know them. Online you can find all that out beforehand but you have no idea if the chemistry is there until you meet them. So don't emotionally invest until you find that out by meeting them in real life.
[As an aside, it took me 18 months of going on 1-4 dates a week but I've been with my amazing DH for 7 years now, married for 4, and we have 2 beautiful children, so it's worth sticking with it until the right person comes along]

MirriMazDuur · 29/12/2019 08:12

Two weeks without meeting him and you were discussing his orgasms? Then went to his for 'a coffee'?

Are you wanting a relationship or just a shag?

WanderingLost167 · 29/12/2019 08:13

I'm talking to lots, and don't get too involved before you meet, you need to work out whether you click physically early on or there's no point

Menora · 29/12/2019 08:14

Oh god I really do want to help you, you are making huge mistakes!

Firstly going to someone’s house is dangerous and also - just for sex. Men who like you take you on dates ok? Where there is no effort involved this means they have no good intentions towards you as they can’t even be bothered

Don’t spend 2 weeks divulging your inner secrets, also is dangerous emotionally. You don’t know this person. Trust and intimacy takes time.

It’s friendly chit chat, meet up quickly, see if you fancy each other, go on a few dates and then sleep together/tell them more about yourself. You need to see this as a slower process not an instant BANG connection = love. It doesn’t work like that

ColaFreezePop · 29/12/2019 08:17

You don't go to "his" or "yours" for a coffee, you go to a coffee shop near a station. If you like each other you can then meet again in 2 days but date other people until you both agree you are exclusive.

OneForTheRoadThen · 29/12/2019 08:18

Exchange a couple of messages and if they seem nice (and normal) then go for a quick coffee to see if you have any chemistry. If you do then keep chatting and arrange further dates and if not you haven't invested anything.

TheLittleBrownFox · 29/12/2019 08:19

I'm sorry you're hurting. OLD can be a rough old world. People feel free to behave in ways that would otherwise be considered weird and cruel. If I'm honest, I don't think you've even experienced the most common and potentially hurtful things about OLD like ghosting, catfishing and unconsensually getting you to act out their fetishes.

In my experience it really is best to meet up quickly and not chat too long online, and to make yourself chat to multiple people at once and date multiple people until you've had a talk and mutually decide to be exclusive with one. You can't get to know somebody properly on the internet without meeting them, it's too easy for them to hide their weird bits or weave a complete fantasy of a person to present to you. Seriously, chat for a short while (1-7 days max) and if it sounds like you are getting along well propose a coffee date quickly, and don't sleep with them until you've met them a few times.

Men tend to think of sex as much more casual than women do, and attach much less emotional meaning to it.