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Original poster

Online dating - keep being hurt. Please help.

156 replies

SirChing · 29/12/2019 07:19

I have been online dating for about 5 months.

I have chatted to all manner of men online. Some, I have felt really close to. I have put that down to the fact that being online, all you can do is get to know each other's personalities.

I have met a couple of men where this has happened and while there may not have been an initial physical phwoar on my part, I have known that it's their insides I have liked, and then I have fancied them anyway.

I have spent a couple of weeks chatting to a guy online. Absolutely adore him and he me. Finally met last night and slept with him. We had to stop as we are both full of colds but I also suspected something was wrong afterwards and left. He has messaged me now to say that our spark and chemistry didn't translate into real life.

I am so hurt. I know he fancied my personality and I know that he fancied me physically too - until then. I thought it was normal to "come down to earth with a bump" when faced with the reality of someone.

He was saying to me before we met that he isn't shallow and we all have bits of us that we don't like. I feel so hurt that apparently that isn't true for him.

I really really adored who he was as a person and am now gutted. How do I move forward without getting so hurt?

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 09:54

I do need a much thicker skin, you are all totally right.

What I do need advice on (and jeez this sounds pathetic) is that I miss feeling loved. I know friends and family love me, but I miss being loved by a partner. My exH stopped loving me in that way a good few years before we split but didn't tell me until I had ended the marriage. The man I had a relationship with afterwards did love me, but was an alcoholic who loved booze more so I dumped him.

I feel so pathetic for missing being loved, and I feel like it probably comes across and makes me ripe for exploiting. How do I stop feeling like this?

OP posts:
MirriMazDuur · 29/12/2019 09:56

It's not pathetic at all. I feel the same.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 09:58

Oh, I am glad about that. Feel less stupid now. I just have to protect myself much more.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/12/2019 10:01

I'm not sure you've been manipulated, you've both said things that aren't really true, you hadn't even met this man and then two weeks later nipped round to his house and shagged him, no date, no coffe, no nothing. Deciding uou adored each other. I'm sure he is thinking it's the norm for you, as it will be for him if the chance occurs.

If you want a relationship you need to behave like that.

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/12/2019 10:07

The reason that I am so hurt is that this guy knew that I tend not to sleep with someone unless it's the start of a relationship

But he didn't know that, he only had what you told him to go on. You may have been lying, and if he was lying to you, he almost certainly thought you were also lying to him.

You then went round 'for coffee' and slept with him, even though you hadn't even dated him. So you kind of proved him right?

We've all done stupid things in the name of wanting to be loved. It's very addictive. But being loved comes after time. Being 'in love' can feel instant. You need to move slower, take more care of your heart. Being in a hurry to give it away won't do you any good.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 29/12/2019 10:13

ExTwitter, please don't pretend to speak for 'us guys'. Yes, there are plenty of twats out there but if your starting point is so cynical you literally treat everyone online as 100% dishonest and acting with malice you should probably take a step back and think of your own issues before entering the dating world.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 10:22

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster

I agree that not everyone online is dishonest or acting with malice. People are all different, whether male or female.

I think the suggestion, to take everything they say with a pinch of salt until you meet them, is a good one though.

OP posts:
Mummyzzz044 · 29/12/2019 10:27

I met my current partner online. We now have a beautiful daughter together. So it does work. But I do consider myself lucky because I did chat to a lot of weirdo. But I was drawn to him so I understand what you say about really liking him. Because I was worried once we met and it didnt work out because I felt close to him. But it took months of talking to meet. And that was in a public place, for a long time actually we met in busy crowds. I dont see anything wrong with sleeping with people for one night if you know of them. But please be careful being alone with someone on the first date. Anything could happen. As for feeling low. I dont think the problem is you at all. Maybe hes committed to someone else and felt guilty?. Dont worry. Its definitely his problem not yours

ExTwitter · 29/12/2019 10:28

PanGalaticGargleBlaster

Did you just NAMALT the thread?

NAMALT is all well and good, but speak to any woman that's done OLD for any amount of time and there is a damn good chance that she encountered a huge amount of men as I've described.

NAMALT is all well and good and usually highlights only the exceptions to the rule. Better to be prepared for the higher percentage chance of encountering the rule than the expect to meet the lower percentage of the exception.

happycamper11 · 29/12/2019 10:50

The 'who he was' that you adored though isn't really who he is. That's the problem with OLD, people can be whoever they want to be but obviously can't keep it up if it's a fake persona

thickwoollytights · 29/12/2019 10:59

I think the suggestion, to take everything they say with a pinch of salt until you meet them, is a good one though.

And I would say long after the first meet, too. Wait to see if there's a mask to slip Wink

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 11:11

The bit I am most fucked off about is that he decided he didn't fancy me AFTER sticking his cock in me. It isn't like he fell and it slipped in. So if he didn't fancy me he was either a) cruel and decided to shag me anyway OR b) week and felt like he couldn't say no.

Both of which make me feel I have dodged a massive bullet!

OP posts:
MirriMazDuur · 29/12/2019 11:13

People can be shit. That's why you need to protect yourself by not letting yourself into this kind of situation.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 11:14

Yep, I totally agree with you @MirriMazDuur.

OP posts:
ScreamingValalalalahLalalalah · 29/12/2019 11:19

I think he fancied you, OP, but was looking for sex, not a relationship. You're right that you have dodged a bullet, though.

happycamper11 · 29/12/2019 11:23

Tbh OP it sounds like he has some sexual problems and it makes him feel better to reject you than to admit to either you our himself.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 11:27

@happycamper11 Well he told me he had problems orgasming but hopes he would be ok with me. Obviously not.

However, I have told him that his issue is that his foreskin doesn't retract, therefore no sensitivity and told him to get to the GP.

He just said that the chemistry we had online and on the phone wasn't there in person. AKA I don't fancy you!

But, whatever the case, I have dodged a bullet.

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 29/12/2019 11:27

Oh OP, no no no.

You cannot possibly "adore" someone you've never met after only speaking to them for 2 weeks. This is jumping in far too fast - and I dont mean the sex- have sex with whomever you want. I mean the investing SO much feeling and emotion in someone you barely know.

Knowing someone for 2 weeks is literally nothing- you dont know how they react to stress, you dont know how they are when they are angry, what their core values are, how they treat their family, what they think about all the major things like having kids, getting married etc

You literally only see what they are presenting to you and all of us present only our good side at the beginning. It is only through spending time with someone that you get to see their faults and the negative aspects of their personality which all of us have.
Never ever go to a guy's house that you do not know- that is so risky and dangerous and stop taking everyone at face value when you dont know them from Adam.
This could be a routine pattern for this guy - he probably does this all the time to women but you wouldn't know that because you haven't given yourself time to get to know him!
Get to know people slowly, dont rush it, meet in public places until you feel safe with them, take everything they with a pinch of salt and dont invest everything in them immediately. Only invest in them to the extent they are investing in you.

The way you can tell if someone is genuine or not is simple- do their words match their actions most of the time? If they do then the chances are they're being genuine. You MUST test this. You cannot know this if you drop everything to be with someone after only 2 weeks.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 11:30

@beautifulstranger101 that's what I have now learned. Thank you.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/12/2019 11:32

The fact you think he might have Been weak and didn't ant to say no indicates you were the one who instigated the sex? That he went along with it to a certain extent then stopped it?

And the fact you also don't know if he's cruel or weak shows you don't remotely know who he is. And yet you still proclaim you adored each other.

You also had discussed sex in great detail with him previously on text.

Op, did you go round expressly to have sex with him? Are you thinking that in some way having sex immediately seals the deal? Have you done this before?

category12 · 29/12/2019 11:34

Call me cynical but he told you he had trouble orgasming to get you to try hard in bed and expect little.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 29/12/2019 11:40

Did you just NAMALT the thread?

No, I pointed out that approaching online dating with the view that everyone is lying is perhaps not the best mindset and will probably show in your interactions with people. Who wants to date a jaded cynic who just thinks the worse? Just by following much of the advice offered on this thread and by developing your own strategies online dating does not have to be a traumatic or unpleasant experience. I met my wife OLD, prior to meeting her I must have been on 80 odd dates over a 5 year period. Sure, I met a fair few liars, time wasters and outright weirdos at first but soon worked out how to avoid such people. After those initial few stumbles most of the dates I went on were genuinely enjoyable. Even when there was no romantic chemistry we still had a good time as we ticked a lot of each others boxes and had shared interests and values. I am still friends with quite a few of these 'failed dates' to this day. I have plenty of female friends and four sisters, of course we have discussed the pitfalls of OLD and shared tips on the subject. None of them have been so cynical to just assume universally everyone they have come into contact with is a serial bullshitter.

SomewhereNow · 29/12/2019 11:51

OP don’t be too hard on yourself, a lot of us have been there (and worse - the stories I could tell!) It’s their problem not yours and there are a lot of men with a lot of problems ime.

Move on, take the advice on here and remember that between the losers, scammers and arseholes there really are some genuine blokes out there - online or not.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 11:51

@Bluntness100 Without going into graphic details, it was very mutual with lots of kissing and touching between us. Then one thing led to another.

We did have sex but he didn't orgasm and he seemed to lose his erection in me.

I did adore him and it seemed to be reciprocated. Obviously it now turns out I was wrong or I wouldn't be posting. And yes, as he isn't who I thought, I don't know if he was just cruel or whether he felt he "should" have sex or something.

No I haven't done this before and of course I don't think sex immediately seals the deal. I didn't go round to have sex. I went round because we were due to go out for dinner but both have colds. So went for a coffee to meet instead.

I hadn't talked at length about sex online. What gives you that impression? HE told ME about his issue. I thanked him for his honesty.

The only other time sex was mentionned was when we were discussing how neither of us liked one night things. That was it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 11:57

Move on, take the advice on here and remember that between the losers, scammers and arseholes there really are some genuine blokes out there - online or not

That's exactly what I am going to do, thank you. I was spectacularly naive and trusting, but I don't feel I behaved in a way that was wrong. I won't behave the same way again, obviously, but that is due to realising that no matter how open and honest I am, it doesn't mean that they are treating me with the same courtesy.

So when I am ready, I shall warily dip a toe back into the dating waters, but with some emotional armour on and a slightly more questioning attitude.

OP posts: