Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Online dating - keep being hurt. Please help.

156 replies

SirChing · 29/12/2019 07:19

I have been online dating for about 5 months.

I have chatted to all manner of men online. Some, I have felt really close to. I have put that down to the fact that being online, all you can do is get to know each other's personalities.

I have met a couple of men where this has happened and while there may not have been an initial physical phwoar on my part, I have known that it's their insides I have liked, and then I have fancied them anyway.

I have spent a couple of weeks chatting to a guy online. Absolutely adore him and he me. Finally met last night and slept with him. We had to stop as we are both full of colds but I also suspected something was wrong afterwards and left. He has messaged me now to say that our spark and chemistry didn't translate into real life.

I am so hurt. I know he fancied my personality and I know that he fancied me physically too - until then. I thought it was normal to "come down to earth with a bump" when faced with the reality of someone.

He was saying to me before we met that he isn't shallow and we all have bits of us that we don't like. I feel so hurt that apparently that isn't true for him.

I really really adored who he was as a person and am now gutted. How do I move forward without getting so hurt?

OP posts:
milliefiori · 29/12/2019 12:49

OP, just set yourself some very basic rules. I had one when I was younger, that I never slept with anyone before I'd spent 100 hours in their company. It's a random number but it meant that I never jumped into bed after two or three dinner dates. There had to be a fair few days out or mooching at home together first. That way I got to see who they were a bit more. And online doesn;t count. 100 hours face to face.

I also had a set of secret tests: are they late by more than 15 mins? How do they behave if I am late by more than 15 mins? How do they treat me if I am snotty-ugly with cold, wrapped in unflatteirng dressing gown and PJs? How do they react if I disagree with them over something trivial, something important, in private and in public? What if they suggest a date and I say I'd prefer to do soemthing else? Will they help me do a boring job? Will they do something new because I love it? (And obviously in any of these situations in reverse, I'd treat them the way I want to be treated.)

Also check how they treat waiters, stupid fellow drivers (or simply drivers in their way), how they talk abotu their exes, their mother, their co-workers and boss. If it's a constant bitch-fest they are twonkers.

These are all really useful trials to check out whether a person is really good and nice or putting on a show for you.

meanwhile, make sure you have at least three things in your diary each week that you'd cancel for no one except in a dire emergency. Something sporty, something community-based, something with friends or family. That way they don;t pick up a vibe that you are a vacant vessel waiting for their love to give purpose to life, as that is really very off-putting.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:51

@Justaordinarybloke Good luck with it! I do disagree that it shows lack of respect sleeping with someone straight away.

It turns out that I was wrong, but I felt like it was the start of a relationship. I had told him I don't do one night things. It has turned out that way, but not by choice.

If I had chosen to knowingly have a one night thing, though, then as you are you are both aware and consenting, then each to their own.

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:52

The op clearly didn't adore this man, that was her imagination, creating some fantasy, which led to her subsequent behaviour, but nor should she treat sex as a transaction that needs to be earned

Now THAT I agree with. I was projecting and just didn't realise at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:58

@milliefiori some good advice there, thank you.

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 29/12/2019 13:02

meanwhile, make sure you have at least three things in your diary each week that you'd cancel for no one except in a dire emergency. Something sporty, something community-based, something with friends or family. That way they don;t pick up a vibe that you are a vacant vessel waiting for their love to give purpose to life, as that is really very off-putting

To be honest, if in the early days of dating my various suggestions for meeting up were met with a constant 'sorry, I can't meet then, I'm busy', I would quickly assume the person was not that interested and I would move on. I would never expect someone to be 100% available at a whim but equally I would hope they would come across as being vaguely interested.

Justaordinarybloke · 29/12/2019 13:07

I didn't say sex on first date is lack of respect, I slept with my ex on first proper date (met her on a night out) and was together 15yrs. Too many blokes now use these sites for sex especially pof.

ExTwitter · 29/12/2019 13:15

What I think I am going to do is to have at the back of my mind that people can and do sometimes say anything, so be a bit more wary until I have met them and have proof of what they are like.

This is really what I meant in my first post.
Messaging is bullshit, meeting face to face is reality.

What's the old saying?

Ignore the words, listen to the actions.

ballsdeep · 29/12/2019 13:24

No op I'm not being rude, but saying you adored someone and loved their insides after two weeks of online 'dating' isn't right

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 13:42

@Justaordinarybloke Ah. I misunderstood then. Sorry about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 13:43

@ExTwitter I knew exactly what you meant. Thank you for the advice. I will play it very differently next time.

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 13:45

@ballsdeep I Would agree that thinking I knew him after two weeks wasn't right in hindsight.

Calling someone desperate is damn rude though. I am baffled that you think it isn't.

OP posts:
Aja838 · 29/12/2019 13:51

I have (finally) learned that sex is just sex for most men. It is emotionless for a lot of them, it doesn't mean they like you. Even if they cuddle you afterwards, it doesn't mean they have feelings.
They are also very good at saying what you want to hear (or what they think you want to hear)
As a PP said, take everything as lies or bullshit at the start until they actually prove it.
A large number of men are online just for someone to have sex with. Some of them are not even single and the married or taken ones might have limited availability, two phone numbers/email accounts and may cancel things at the last minute.

It's odd but a lot of men just want the chase, the build-up to it, they want the shag and then that's it, the challenge is over. I think have sex with somebody when you want to, all this 'making them wait' isn't right in my opinion.

But what I will say is that someone who invites you straight to theirs for the first 'date', not even for a coffee or anything, is probably just looking for one thing, and it's also best to meet in public as they may not be who they said they were online.

Aja838 · 29/12/2019 13:53

Sorry that all sounds really cynical and negative. There are obviously some lovely and honest men out there who want a relationship, but sadly there are a lot of liars, players and snakes. I used to be naïve and trusting as hell and learned the hard way.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 13:59

Yes, I agree that I need to be far more protective of myself. I think I will make sure that in future, I use a dating site where people HAVE to pay to join, or only speak to those who have upgraded their membership. Them spending money on it increases the chance that they are serious.

OP posts:
girlygirl98 · 29/12/2019 13:59

I could be here all day telling you we're you're going wrong but read this book. It will illuminate the mistakes you've made and give you a strategy going forward
www.amazon.co.uk/New-Rules-digital-generation-bestselling/dp/0749957247
Feel free to pm me if you want.
Old is a great way to meet men but it's also a great way to put yourself in emotional and physical danger which is what you're making a habit of

Zzzz19 · 29/12/2019 14:00

Some men just want the chase and a shag. Once they have had it they lose interest.

happycamper11 · 29/12/2019 14:04

. I think I will make sure that in future, I use a dating site where people HAVE to pay to join, or only speak to those who have upgraded their membership.

I tried this but quickly discovered I was just paying to meet weirdos instead of getting it for free. Also people on the pay for sites tend to have a profile on the free ones like POF as well so it's mostly the same folk. Men are happy to pay a small subscription they think it might lead to sex.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 14:05

@girlygirl98 thanks. I have ordered that book.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 29/12/2019 14:09

Men lie a lot so I wouldn't believe anything until meeting them and getting to know them in person for awhile.

girlygirl98 · 29/12/2019 14:11

You won't regret it. My dating life improved massively and I met my husband not long after. There's a fb group too with lots of ladies in the same boat

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 14:18

Brilliant. Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 14:24

I tried this but quickly discovered I was just paying to meet weirdos instead of getting it for free. Also people on the pay for sites tend to have a profile on the free ones like POF as well so it's mostly the same folk. Men are happy to pay a small subscription they think it might lead to sex

God that's depressing! Grin.

OP posts:
ExTwitter · 29/12/2019 14:25

I like Bumble.
It puts the first.move in the women's hands so you shouldn't get shit loads of unsolicited dick pics from creepy entitled shit heads. :)

milliefiori · 29/12/2019 14:27

@PanGalactic - I think it's absolutely fine to say, 'Sorry, I can't do Thursdays.,' or 'I'd love to see you again soon but I'm out on Friday. Are you free this weekend at all?' It shows a lot of positive things about you: that you have a life, that you are loyal and don't ditch others when a better offer comes in, that you are not a pushover for a man, it shows you have interests and passions that are worthy of your commitment and that you have self discipline and strength of character. I've never ever had a man lose interest because I was unavailable. But they lose interest fast if your life appears to be empty and waiitng for them to fill it.

bangheadhere40 · 29/12/2019 14:27

Completely understand what's happened here, that was me 2 weeks ago, accept I never slept with him. The building up of false intimacy is so easy.