Online dating - keep being hurt. Please help.

[SirChing]

I have been online dating for about 5 months.

I have chatted to all manner of men online. Some, I have felt really close to. I have put that down to the fact that being online, all you can do is get to know each other's personalities.

I have met a couple of men where this has happened and while there may not have been an initial physical phwoar on my part, I have known that it's their insides I have liked, and then I have fancied them anyway.

I have spent a couple of weeks chatting to a guy online. Absolutely adore him and he me. Finally met last night and slept with him. We had to stop as we are both full of colds but I also suspected something was wrong afterwards and left. He has messaged me now to say that our spark and chemistry didn't translate into real life.

I am so hurt. I know he fancied my personality and I know that he fancied me physically too - until then. I thought it was normal to "come down to earth with a bump" when faced with the reality of someone.

He was saying to me before we met that he isn't shallow and we all have bits of us that we don't like. I feel so hurt that apparently that isn't true for him.

I really really adored who he was as a person and am now gutted. How do I move forward without getting so hurt?

unconsensually getting you to act out their fetishes

What does this mean? I dread to think. I'm hope that doesn't come across as disputing you, just morbid curiosity as I'm thinking of starting online dating soon.

Also some people are just after the notches on the bedpost.

Only fuck someone first time out if you'll just be happy you had a shag, there's nothing wrong with that. But if you are going to be upset if it doesn't turn into something more, then don't.

I thought as I typed it I had worded it a bit weird but wasn't sure of a better way to word it - I'll try to explain!

Man has fetish about X. Man gets his kicks from chatting on OLD site to women and getting pleasure from using their chat as wank fodder. Eg a foot fetishist comments nice shoes on one of your photos and tries to get you to talk about the shoes. Sometimes it's blatant, (I had a message last wk from somebody who was desperate to swing the conversation around to his naughty secret that he liked to wear women's underwear. His fetish seemed to be telling a woman about it, with disregard as to if she actually wanted to know. Sometimes its really skillfully done so that you think you're just in a normal pleasant conversation until you find out you're not. No intention to meet up a lot of the time. A bit like the men who ring the Samaritans and get off on talking to the women there.

SirChing

I'm putting this as simply as I can.

Dont believe a word a man on online dating tells you.

They will lie, they will bend truths, they will Google your interests and appear to share them, they will find you on FB and read your likes and interests and pretend to like them too. Etc

Assume every message they send is bullshit and treat it as such. Every message should be met with,
"Yeah yeah, cool story bro"

The thing with one dating and messaging is that it is very easy for us guys to tell women exactly what they want to hear.
Telling a woman who's insecure about her weight that she's perfect size for him.
Telling a woman who's shy that he doesn't mind and can work around it.
Telling a woman who's worried about meting that he doesn't mind travelling to her.
Telling a woman worried about he that she looks 10 years younger.
Etc.etc.
It's all likes of Bull Shite.

But.. once you realise that, you change your outlook. Message, have a laugh, refuse intimate messaging or any talk of sex, fetishes etc. If you think they're worth meeting, platonic meet in a public coffee shop. Refuse any other meet, no going to theirs, no expensive restaurants, no extravagant dates.
Once you meet them in person, chat to the. In real time, they lose the time to mould their texts perfectly and you'll see the real them. After an hour or so, leave and head home. Then decide if a proper date is worth it.

Ah I see, thanks :)

Oh dear OP. If you’re going to OLD then you need to set some rules. These were mine:

• Chat to lots of people at a time.
• If it seems like you might be compatible, meet up quickly. Certainly within a week. If they won’t commit to a quick meeting, then they’re after a pen pal. Move on.
• Treat everything they say as bullshit until it actually happens.
• Remember that a man who genuinely likes you will make an effort.
• First dates should be coffee/a drink somewhere public. A man who invited you to his for a first date is either a cheapskate or after sex (usually both).
• Always tell a friend where you’re going.
• Don’t invest emotionally too soon.
• No sexting unless we’ve actually had sex already IRL.

You may want to add to this list! OLD can be lots of fun but you need to remember that anyone can say anything online and be alert for red flags.

Agree with previous posters, treat OLD dating as simply an introductory service.

You have to go on meets / dates and decide from there, you simply can't understand chemistry from phone messages!

I've done OLD, my rule was 5 messages each max and then arrange to meet. Anyone that didn't want to meet by then was in my mind either not actually available or just wanted a pen pal. So I politely binned them off. And it doesn't all have to be romantic. I've met some lovely people where the spark just wasn't there but who have turned into good friends.

There was an article of a woman in America that fell in love (online) before being told it was a bot she was talking to! It was simply clever programming that could learn about her through her ongoing messages and reply back what it thought she wanted to hear whilst throwing in generic flirts and complements!!

The more emotional info you give via online, the easier it is for manipulative types to start reeling you in.

He didn't adore you, he didn't know you. He wanted a quick shag which is what he had then left.
I think with old it's important to remember that you don't know the person, like on mn. You have no idea if people are typing the truth or a load of bollocks.

@MirriMazDuur a relationship believe it or not. I know, I have acted as if I want the total opposite on reflection.

You can’t adore him or his insides. I think you are being far too open and generous.

Keep online chat very superficial and casual, nothing about your innermost thoughts or sexual fantasies.

You are really setting yourself up to be hurt by thinking you know them and then going to their home straight away.

You liked the personality which he allowed you to see online.

You didn't know him. You can't know someone properly until you've lived with them or at the very least been with them for many many months and seen their reactions to all sorts of situations

Please stop adoring strangers

It's unhealthy and stalkerish

I have chatted to all manner of men online. Some, I have felt really close to. I have put that down to the fact that being online, all you can do is get to know each other's personalities.

You dont really get to know each others personalities , in fact a lot of times they can appear to be perfect because they know how to play the game or its just easy to be the perfect person online
Its not your fault btw , its a hard lesson to learn

Thank you so so much for the advice everyone. I have behaved like such a fool. I feel hurt, battered and bruised, but I only have myself to blame.

I have had this false intimacy thing a couple of times now. It really does feel like starting to fall in love with someone. Its so intoxicating. But it just isn't real.

I feel like I dont even know what love is anymore and I certainly don't trust my own judgement. I shall be having some therapy about this in the new year I think. I feel totally fucked up by it all.

I have had this false intimacy thing a couple of times now. It really does feel like starting to fall in love with someone

Firstly, that isn't your fault.
It's more likely that the men have manipulated you into feeling that way and encouraged it. Probably even told you they feel the same way..
"I feel like we've been chatting for ages, not just a few days" or words to that effect.

But I would also say you're not ready for OLD. Needs a thick skin and a "It's all bollocks" attitude.

I'm a sex dater online and have also met a couple of people through ordinary dating sites for sex. I've also been scammed on a dating site (theres a thread about it in um Relationships? Cant remember).

You are not getting to know people's insides online - you are projecting your own desires onto them. And a lot of people are very very good at fitting into that. It may not be particularly malevolent, just people pleasing stuff. Or they may just be looking for a quick shag, or they may have genuinely bad intent. Imo most don't, it's not evil to want sex and human contact.

You're not a fool. Not. You are a human being. Look back at the Victorian era - the Brides in the Bath murderer used to meet women on park benches and at least one of his victims agreed to marry him the first time they met... it is wonderful and intoxicating when someone appears to 'get' you and to take risks for you.

But it does mean you need to protect yourself a little. I really enjoy text sex and sex chat so I do it. I like one night stands too. If you know you want proper dates, hold out for those, enjoy coffee or drinks with the guys. Meet friends for deep chat and be a bit less open to these blokes. But dont feel bad that you are open and emotional, these are good things.

Hey OP. Online dating can be pretty brutal. I’ve had a little taster myself recently after separating from a long marriage and I have come to realise quite a few things.

1. It’s so easy to ‘connect’ with people that it makes it very easy to discard ‘options’.
2. The whole ghosting thing - wow (though I did ghost quite a few people myself simply because I could).
3. Communication via text/WhatsApp is no way to get to know a person. You need to chat to them either on the phone or in person to make a judgement about their character.
4. People WILL be keeping their options open and will be chatting to and dating numerous people at once.

The list could go on and on. I have realised that it is way too soon for me to be dating right now. However as you want to meet someone why don’t you read up on online dating red flags. There are so many to look out for. Like I said, it can be brutal so you need to be thick skinned and toughen up. Or sack online dating and look at other methods. Online dating is not for everyone. I certainly won’t be bothering with it.

Do you think perhaps you’re over-thinking and being a bit dramatic? You made a mistake (one many of us did when we started online dating) and you’ve learned from it. Don’t blow it up to be you complete fucked up. It feels like you’re very extreme in your feelings - very all or nothing. Could you try and self-regulate more effectively? It’s far less exhausting! I speak as one who has learned to do this.

@ExTwitter - thanks for the advice from a blokes point of view. And you are exactly right about what has been said.

I don't want to let these experiences make me bitter, but I do want to emotionally protect myself. It really bloody hurts! But at the same time, I also know that in some ways it isn't personal. Its just some people being arseholes.

Op you live and you learn

There is a dating thread on here. Come join we can all help you through every step!

Falling in love is addictive and easy to create the sensation. You need to just take a huge step back

Thanks Menora, I may well do that.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3779586-Dating-thread-178-where-we-launch-into-the-new-year-with-new-hopes?msgid=92669729#92669729

@PermanentTemporary I am so sorry that you have been scammed. That's bloody awful.

The reason that I am so hurt is that this guy knew that I tend not to sleep with someone unless it's the start of a relationship. And I feel like I have been manipulated into doing so and then dumped.

I told him that I run like the wind from people who are cruel, and thanked him for showing that to me so early on.

It's a crude expression but it's best to have a few irons in the fire when online dating. It is perfectly normal to date different people at the same time before you decide to take things more seriously with an individual. Do not spend weeks getting emotionally invested in one person you have not met, clicking online does not in anyway guarantee che in person. Once you have a exchanged a few emails and messages talk on the phone/Skype before meeting, believe me it will save you a lot of wasted time in the long run. If someone can't hold a conversation for 5 mins on the phone they sure as hell are not going to be able in person. It is a bit of a numbers game and expect to meet quite a few muppets at first before you fine tune your radar and get the hang of weeding out the time wasters.

Good luck

You think you like them too soon! I mean 2 weeks and you adore him wtf?

Also meet as soon a possible, do not wait weeks. Otherwise you build up in your head what you think they are and often the reality is disappointing

Never go to a strangers house. First should always be in a public place, no everyone on the Internet is who the say they are.

So basically meet ASAP in a public place, chill out and don’t think you adore them after 2 weeks....

You adore someone after two weeks? Sorry what?? You need to get a little bit realistic about this, or stop the OLD. It's a brutal world so if that's how you are it's not going to work for you, most men out there are a- out for sex and b- full of lines and stories so you need a much thicker skin sadly