Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Online dating - keep being hurt. Please help.

156 replies

SirChing · 29/12/2019 07:19

I have been online dating for about 5 months.

I have chatted to all manner of men online. Some, I have felt really close to. I have put that down to the fact that being online, all you can do is get to know each other's personalities.

I have met a couple of men where this has happened and while there may not have been an initial physical phwoar on my part, I have known that it's their insides I have liked, and then I have fancied them anyway.

I have spent a couple of weeks chatting to a guy online. Absolutely adore him and he me. Finally met last night and slept with him. We had to stop as we are both full of colds but I also suspected something was wrong afterwards and left. He has messaged me now to say that our spark and chemistry didn't translate into real life.

I am so hurt. I know he fancied my personality and I know that he fancied me physically too - until then. I thought it was normal to "come down to earth with a bump" when faced with the reality of someone.

He was saying to me before we met that he isn't shallow and we all have bits of us that we don't like. I feel so hurt that apparently that isn't true for him.

I really really adored who he was as a person and am now gutted. How do I move forward without getting so hurt?

OP posts:
category12 · 29/12/2019 11:59

How can you adore someone in two weeks, tho? Don't you see how outrageous that is?

And I'm sorry, but going round to his was always a booty call.

The telling you about his "sexual problems" was that creation of false intimacy in action.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 29/12/2019 12:00

OP most of us singles want to feel loved again, so don’t beat yourself up for that Flowers

With OLD you need to be VERY cynical, take everything as bullshit unless it actually happens. I am looking for a relationship and therefore I’m not interested in going to someone’s house, I’ll only go if the man puts enough effort in to at least meet me for a drink somewhere public. Also I won’t shag them until I’m multiple dates in (although this isn’t foolproof) as I too tend to get attached once we’ve had sex!

It’s really hard but if you’re serious about meeting a partner online you need to develop a very thick skin and persevere Flowers

beautifulstranger101 · 29/12/2019 12:03

No, I pointed out that approaching online dating with the view that everyone is lying is perhaps not the best mindset and will probably show in your interactions with people

There is surely a middle ground between assuming everyone is lying and assuming everyone is telling the absolute truth. Taking time to get know someone, seeing if they do what they say they'll do, investing in someone gradually bit by bit rather than jumping in with both feet after only two weeks etc
You dont have to assume the worst but you shouldn't also blindly believe what everyone tells you. Its about balance.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:05

@category12 yes, I do see now how outrageous it is in hindsight. But it honestly felt real. I had no idea about false intimacy.

You don't need to be sorry that going round was a booty call. I have now worked that out and have agreed with others that it was the wrong thing to do. I am not going to put on a hair shirt and flog myself for being naive. I am going to modify my behaviour in future though.

I asked earlier whether you could tell me more about false intimacy please? I didn't realise it was a "thing" but it does make sense.

OP posts:
ballsdeep · 29/12/2019 12:05

Op with all due respect I think you come across as desperate and he picked up on that. People are very clever on old and will use what you give them.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:07

@BooFuckingHoo2 and @beautifulstranger101

Your posts are exactly how I plan to deal with this in the future. Thank you.

OP posts:
Menora · 29/12/2019 12:08

In all honesty I think it’s entirely possible he dumped you to save face as he has ED issues or some emotional issues relating to sex. A lot of men don’t want to deal with them and just hope that they will meet the right woman and be magically cured

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:12

@ballsdeep we both know that prefacing something with "all due respect" means that actually, you are about to be bloody rude.

I am not desperate. I have passed up lots of men that I have been out on dates with. This bloke, and one other that I was burned by, felt different.

I would rather be single than with the wrong man. By a million miles. But yes, I do miss having that closeness of a relationship. I am by nature a very open person, but that doesn't mean I would just have whoever looks my way. Yuck!

OP posts:
category12 · 29/12/2019 12:12

False intimacy is basically created by things like encouraging and sharing confidences very early on and by mirroring (appearing to share the same values/interests/sentiments).

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:16

@Menora when he told me about it, he said he felt like it could be different with me. I said that if it's physical then likely not.

I do think he was embarrassed. I put it down to him being full of cold. Then this morning had the "we don't have the spark or chemistry in person" comment.

I seriously think he should try not to let his knob fall into people he doesn't fancy if that's the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:17

@category12 Ah, ok, thanks. I shall be on my guard for that then.

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 29/12/2019 12:21

There is surely a middle ground between assuming everyone is lying and assuming everyone is telling the absolute truth.

Absolutely, and nowhere have I suggested treating everyone you come in contact with as being 100% genuine. I just think having a starting position of assuming every claim and utterance of a potential date as being bullshit is just self defeating.

JacquesHammer · 29/12/2019 12:22

I seriously think he should try not to let his knob fall into people he doesn't fancy if that's the case

It’s possible he just didn’t find you sexually compatible - and that’s ok.

You need to consider more how to protect yourself rather than telling other people they’re doing dating wrong. You can only change your own responses, not theirs.

Have you spoken to anyone about your need for intimacy? It might help you work out strategies to deal with erroneous feelings.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:24

It is, Pan. What I think I am going to do is to have at the back of my mind that people can and do sometimes say anything, so be a bit more wary until I have met them and have proof of what they are like.

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:28

@JacquesHammer maybe not, but I honestly don't think that was the case.

I mentionned upthread that I am going to see someone in the New Year about needing intimacy. From what others have said, it sounds like a normal need. But I need to make sure that I don't get into a situation again where I either fall for false intimacy, or send out signals which can be used to manipulate.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 29/12/2019 12:29

I agree with bluntness. Stop investing heavily in people you've never met. That's mad! !!!
Stop romancing online. Thats not real it's fairytale land. Chat once or twice casually then meet in person as soon as possible.
When I dated if someone wouldn't meet me straight away and wanted to talk online for months I'd dump them right away. I do not want an imaginary relationship online
I want a real person relationship. I'd never sleep with someone right away. I'd make them wait a long time and they'll have to earn it.
Have some self respect.

JacquesHammer · 29/12/2019 12:30

From what others have said, it sounds like a normal need. But I need to make sure that I don't get into a situation again where I either fall for false intimacy, or send out signals which can be used to manipulate

As a need it’s absolutely normal. But I think you absolutely need to protect yourself from over-investing. There’s no way you can know people in a fortnight especially online - and I think this makes you massively vulnerable.

JacquesHammer · 29/12/2019 12:31

I want a real person relationship. I'd never sleep with someone right away. I'd make them wait a long time and they'll have to earn it
Have some self respect

I find that so worrying - the idea sex is a commodity to be traded for good behaviour. Sex on the first date is perfectly acceptable and not a sure sign of lack of self-respect.

category12 · 29/12/2019 12:32

Well, just keep your feet on the ground. That's all you need to do really.

If it's too good to be true, it probably isn't.
If it's too fast to be feasible, then it probably isn't.
If you're spilling your guts when you barely know each other, you're taking a massive risk of both giving a stranger ammunition they can hurt you with or that they can manipulate you with.
If you've barely spent anytime with someone, you don't know them.

BreasticlesNotTesticles · 29/12/2019 12:34

God yes Jaques, if you want sex, have sex! It's nothing to be ashamed of Smile

Justaordinarybloke · 29/12/2019 12:39

Hiding behind a keyboard is easy to create false identity for some. Chatting is fine but when you meet them be respectful to yourself and don't jump into bed with them. Get to know them properly over several wks at least. It won't be long till.im ready to try OLD, if I meet some then great but I will wait till I am confident enough to see the wonan for who she really is before sleeping with her, I'm not looking for one night stand or fwb. Going to be daunting but who knows what will happen.

Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:44

@madcatladyforever I beg your pardon? How dare you be so bloody rude. It isn't a lack of self respect for someone to have sex if they want to.

People who think it shows a lack of self respect, clearly have issues about sex and see it as "shameful" in some way. It isn't.

Seeing it as lacking respect, does make some One a MASSIVE handmaiden for all the sexist men out there though. So well done with that!

OP posts:
Original poster
SirChing · 29/12/2019 12:46

As a need it’s absolutely normal. But I think you absolutely need to protect yourself from over-investing. There’s no way you can know people in a fortnight especially online - and I think this makes you massively vulnerable

I totally agree with you. I am going to make damn sure I stay emotionally closed until I have had some dates with them. This is the second time I have been bitten like this. Normally it's me telling them that I don't think things will work, but I decide that before I shag them. Not 10 mins after 😂

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/12/2019 12:48

Making men "earn" sex is just as disturbing as the ops behaviour on adoring a stranger then popping round to his house and half shagging him on the first meeting.

Sex is not a transaction. It's not a reward. It's something two people on the same page should engage in.

The op clearly didn't adore this man, that was her imagination, creating some fantasy, which led to her subsequent behaviour, but nor should she treat sex as a transaction that needs to be earned.