Dating thread 178 - where we launch into the new year with new hopes

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Point taken @Sunshineandflipflops I just do find it really frustrating that without being gender specific so many are so lazy in relationships nowadays and so happy just to sit back and let the other person do all the work of setting up dates and otherwise moving things forward , id want to see the other person making at least some effort to make things happen

I work for an all female company and work from home a lot @Stillsexystillsingle 😬 And the men I do meet in client companies are pretty much all married or a lot younger and most of them are based in London. At my age I automatically assume anyone half decent is spoken for to be honest. And I would be nervous of getting involved with someone from work in case it went tits up and I still had to work with them

@Sunshineandflipflops I think it's more about wanting men to be assertive and direct! I want him to not be lazy and to take things forward.

I agree @Sunshineandflipflops it's not for men to do the asking out. Or man up. It's reinforcing us as being passive.

I'm only asking re real life man as he's not really bothered messaging and said he's too busy etc but it's a moot point anyway as I've deleted his number... doh! I could message him on IG but don't think he ever looks at it. I'll see how I get on on bumble. Although I know the answer to that.

But can't women also be assertive and direct? Why does that have to fall to the man? I think (hope) in 2020, most men assume women want to be treated equally.

I messaged Mr M first and he's so glad I did. He was scared of rejection as he believed I was out of his league whereas I thought I was out of his league!

For me it's not about them 'manning up' or me not being assertive. I have self esteem issues and if I do the arranging I then doubt their interest. So it works for me to ease off on arranging until we are more established. It saves me a lot of anguish.

Ditto @shitwithsugaron. Bumble was designed for women to take the lead. That's what I did with Mr Ad...and I asked him out first. Worked fine for me!

@KermitRulesOK That's pretty much what Mr Ad said.

Date still on with Mr Fact tonight. Not so excited now. Tbh the messaging is like information swap but I’m not really getting a sense of his personality. All in all a bit lacklustre but mine have been too! Oh well soon find out

I have been dropping hints about a 3rd date, he's not biting! I am not going to outright ask now, he should if he wants to, I have said enough about how I want to!

Maybe just another endless messaging person :-(

I haven't put a lot of thought into who asks whom (or is it whom asks who? ) for the date first, but looking back it's probably been more the man who asked me first. That's probably down to the fact that I was always very clear I didn't want anything serious, so they were keen on NSA sex. I didn't take things seriously as a result.

I never really dated much before OLD became the norm - do you think the mind games element has intensified due to the mentality that develops when using the apps?

There are so many like this both irl and online @bangheadhere40 to me if someone's being real with you they should be prepared to put themselves out there and if they're not prepared to then neither should you be. I don't really get this whole not asking for dates thing... but it happens so often nowadays, it definitely is a thing... it's a date, not a proposal of marriage, FFS! Is it because if they ask you on a date it becomes to their mind it indicates it'ssomething more serious, whereas they're not asking you it keeps it at the level of casual with no expectations? That's what I suspect is happening but who knows really!

I’m pretty assertive but the reason I didn’t get on with Bumble was (a) all the real pervs I have encountered have been from there or Match - Fab and Tinder guys have been gentle and respectful, and (b) I get the strong impression that it’s a mysogynists’ playground full of men who think all the women are gagging for it just because they message 🤮. But that’s just been my experience at 50+ 🤷‍♀️

Maybe Mr Greedy and I are getting closer to being an item, I don’t know. He totally gets the snails pace I’m going at as he Knows the reasons and he’s very self-confident. So long as he sees me once or twice a week he’s happy I think. For me there are various doubts plus Mr Mad getting excited about the 4 day trip away we have planned next week 😳 That said last night was intense and amazing, so I have some more processing to do.

See, FWB 🐯-style is a self-headfuck! 😂

I don't know....I mean I could communicate I do get anxious and I would like to have something set up, but that may appear very clingy which I don't want him to see.

I have dropped hints, and we have had 2 nice dates now, so I am going to leave it for him to suggest a 3rd. It's more the endless messaging that's annoying me with no plans to see eachother again.

Happy new year all!
I've been wallowing in self pity the last few days with man flu 🙄 Managed to dose myself up enough to have a decent NYE but then kept MissH up all night snoring again because I'm so full of cold. To say she had the hump would be an understatement and she wont be spending the night in same bed until I'm better!
@shitwithsugaron well done on the pub visit nothing wrong with that 👍
@Sunshineandflipflops same to you on bed breaking 🤣
@Menora thank god he's gone, booking a table for dinner when you haven't even agreed to go out 🙄 and like others said he seemed far too quick to blame you for everything. Shame as you clearly got on in person, but it's unlikely those traits would have gone away so you've dodged a bullet.
Good luck @KermitRulesOK whatever the result you're hoping for.
@BatshitCrazyWoman tough one re the photos, but I suppose whilst you've never planned to stay over then there's been no rush to tackle what would be a big step for him and his step kids. But needs to be talked about at some point.

I’ve missed a lot today !! If you like someone ask them out, if you want to see them again ask them and tell them when you are free 🤷🏼‍♀️. There’s no Male or female responsibilities now. It’s not a mans job to ask or pay or arrange 🤷🏼‍♀️. Life is too short also if you have something to say good or bad then say it ( unless it’s too spur of the moment and you should think on it)

@jane I just don't want to be the one arranging everything, I expect more from a partner, an equal footing really.

Mr Moving did send me another SM message before he got blocked. He invited me to go stay with him in a hotel tonight. It’s stuff like this I am thinking WTF? I know he’s ‘trying’ but can anyone just up and leave their DC and pets at a moments notice to go to a hotel with a bloke they have told they don’t want to date anymore as he’s pushy and clingy?

I generally send the first message on OLD, unless they are super quick and get in first. I'm also normally the first one to suggest exchanging phone numbers and having a phone call.

BUT, having done that, I quite like the man to take the initiative and suggest a date, otherwise it's all me and I like some equality in the process. If they don't ask and especially after a few hints, I assume I've done my bit and they don't have enough oomph for me!

Can't bear faffing or vagueness in real life and I take same approach on line!

Menora that is totally weird and shows no empathy or awareness of social and dating boundaries. Total bullet dodged.

Totally creepy, @Menora.

@Menora You must be hard to let go of!