Dating thread 178 - where we launch into the new year with new hopes

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Huh? I wasn't directing that at anyone in particular, Menora.

Great news, PP

@menora please don't go...I don't think anything was meant by it :-)

@menora hang around if it helps you. FWW I actually find general information about types of behaviours really interesting and it can be very useful to understand why people might be behaving a certain way.

Eg I'm sure lots of us have the Freedom Program book, and although all our exP are different they have a lot of behaviours in common.

Very good point, @UncorrectedDoormat. I find human behaviour fascinating and there are broad similarities that are worth discussing. Patterns emerge among the chaos.

@uncorrecteddoormat it's generalisations, not general behaviour. An easy example is someone saying FWBs should never stay overnight.

I agree talking about general behavior is interesting

I think there are always going to be differing views on here - it's what makes us human. We take the bits of advice we want/need.

I am finding myself a little surprised at the speed some people are moving on here and wanting to yell "slow down a bit" but it's none of my business and people will do what they want to do and either be happy with their decisions or learn from their mistakes, as we all do.

Maybe I should have clarified that my FWB rules were just for me specifically. 😁

I’m certainly guilty of tending to take the advice that fits with how I see things.

As for Miss Confusing, we’ve had a few messages since the discussion 2 weeks ago which have been friendly. My plan is to send a brief but fun message later today and see how she responds. If she’s chatty and responds quickly, and we chat for a few days I’ll suggest meeting up again.

If that fails I’ll probably ask her outright if she sees us as over, or just needs some time to sort herself out before possibly getting back in touch when she’s ready.

Does that sound reasonable? I think I’d rather do that than simply not be in touch and hope she misses me enough to get in contact. And at least then I can draw a line under it.

Hi everyone! Couldn't find an early detection test anywhere so had to order one online so will get it tomorrow. Have had some proper stabby pains this morning and still can't locate strings so have booked in with Dr! Sorry, it's disappointing news - I'm going crazy thinking about it

Fair enough. It seems to be just me and probably proof I've been spending too much time on here.

Have a good weekend all!

@TheCatWithTheHat honestly, I think if she were interested you would know about it.

I can only go by me but if I liked a guy, and he obviously liked me, then he wouldn't be in doubt of my feelings. I really think you should leave it- I think she's made it pretty clear tbh.

@KermitRulesOK I hope you're feeling ok and it goes how you want!

I find the general discussions on here interesting too... I am leaning a lot about myself. I have been wondering why everyone else seems to be moving so fast too whereas I keep dipping my toe in and then retreating and @Menora has absolutely nailed it with her description of avoidant types. That is me down to a tee. Seems a very long unhappy marriage has made me a very cagey person indeed. I do want sex and affection but on my terms and in the narrow timeframe I have available and without impacting on my kids. Doesn't seem that realistic when I put it like that ...

@TheCatWithTheHat if I were you I would leave it, seriously. You don't want to come across as needy, surely?

@KermitRulesOK any news???

@TheCatWithTheHat I would also leave it. You've made your feelings clear to her and I think it's fairly obvious she doesn't feel the same way, otherwise she'd make it clear.

Cold turkey is sometimes the best way to go.

I didn’t mean it in a flounce 😂 but I also don’t want to be bitter and over generalise

I think men and women do have different dating experiences but across the board both sexes can have similar traits.

In the case of exclusivity, Women can also want to go exclusive quickly but I do think this is for a different reason to some men and it comes down to the ego of the person. Someone who has a fragile ego and is feeling insecure will want exclusivity to feel secure and know how much they are liked, and someone who is fed of dating and doesn’t want to compete with others will want it for that reason

I have spent way too much time dating for 12 bloody years now and you end up as some kind of armchair psychologist. But there are patterns of behaviours especially in certain age groups of either sex.

@UtterSocks

Like me then you will be meeting people who keep trying to smash down your walls (boundaries) to make themselves happy, not you.
Whether it is the challenge, winning or something I don’t know. It can feel like you lay out on the table what is on offer but I am not sure it will ever be enough. I’m just never going to be that person who gives my all ever again

@TheCatWithTheHat

You need a line in the sand. A date you set yourself where you cut off contact if you don’t get the response you would like. I don’t think you should try to be someone you don’t feel comfortable with to try to get her attention

Has anyone tried paying for bumble? I'm tempted to just get a day just to see who my matches are 🙈

@UtterSocks just to say I completely understand and agree I have been someone who used to rush in when I was younger but at the stage of life in at now yes I would love a partner and to be having sex again and all the rest of it but having been in abusive relationships more often than not sadly in the past it has to be someone who will respect my need for things to move slowly. In three and a half years of being single I have met none like this online and, possibly, one, irl. I need to go get him in 2020! @TheCatWithTheHat we have all been there but I think you have to stop worrying and trust that if things are meant to be with miss confused then they will be. Right now for whatever reason she is not interested in you as a partner. Your job right now therefore is to be her friend. If your relationship is meant to develop beyond friendship then it will in its own good time. But if she feels like you're hassling her for more when she's made it clear to you that's not what she wants she's likely to just end the friendship altogether which, if you want the possibility of more than friendship with her in the future, is not what you want. So for now, just be her friend, and date other people. If she really is meant for you she's not going anywhere and one day it will happen.

Holy fuck I gave into temptation and bought a day. Fuck me. No one decent guy has swiped right 😭. Maybe I'm going to take off that I have a kid

Yes I see where you are coming from @Menora definitely. I am pretty much only talking to busy divorced dads with careers who are as time poor as I am. It’s a safety net - the ones with lots of free time are too draining for me and feel needy. Add to that my maximum distance is within our city’s outer ring road and my other random preferences (no Life University grads, good spelling and grammar, has to be into fitness and politically on the same page, plus I have to fancy them) it’s like looking for a unicorn. Have you finally got rid of Mr Moving?

@Menora that’s what I want to do - I’m 99% sure I know what the answer will be, but for some reason I need to be told it by her rather than hoping she’ll get in touch in a week/month or whatever. And my brain is fried with some people saying text her, others saying leave it - and I’m just not being myself. I just hate things being up in the air, and also feeling that I’ve not done or said all I wanted to.

@CheeseCakeAddict I pay for Bumble - as a guy I don’t get many likes (maybe that’s just me!) and I like to see who has swiped me so I can match or not depending on whether I like the look of their profile.

@Stillsexystillsingle yep, I’ve been doing this a few months on and off and can see me being like you in 3 years if I stick with it. It feels like a massive time suck tbh. I think my time would be better spent in the gym (at least I know I get results there - as long as ex Tinder iron stays away 😂)

@CheesecakeAddict yes I paid for one day on Bumble to physically grimace at half the people who identified as liking me. Some of them were so awful I felt insulted by their interest!

@saltysally

All I can talk from is my experience which is rather positive, though for me the free sites were good for distraction dates to get over my husband leaving me, I met my now partner on a paid for site - less people but people actually are looking for long term relationships. I think I'm going to stop reading this board as we are no longer "dating" but it's much more.