Dating thread 178 - where we launch into the new year with new hopes

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@CheesecakeAddict I've never paid for Bumble or Tinder because I figure if I'd liked them then I would have swiped anyway!

@TheCatWithTheHat

I really like you, as you know. I don't wish to waste my time with someone who isn't interested in me. Please can you let me know one way or the other if you see a future here? either is fine, but I just need some clarity.

No reply or a bad reply is all you need to know, at least it's better than the wondering.

sent similar to above

@TheCatWithTheHat you can’t force her into being blunt though, and would it really make you feel better if she came right out and admitted she is just not that into you? When Mr Everyman and Mr Beard went quiet on me I was tempted to message them to get closure and say ‘can you just confirm you have benched me/lost interest/changed your mind?’ But TBH their actions said as much anyway so I just deleted them and moved on. It’s not like they literally forgot I existed and just wanted a needy message to remind them how much they liked me 😂. Probably the opposite. You have done as much as you can.

Obviously @bangheadhere40 has a different and equally valid take on it though ^ I would definitely draw a line in the sand though and stop going round in circles whichever approach you choose

Hope it's ok @KermitRulesOK how long have you had your coil. I find if I put one leg on the bath I have a better chance of finding the strings. If it's been in for a while they might be against you rather than hanging free if that makes sense.

@TheCatWithTheHat I honestly can't see why you are still bothering. Draw a line. Cut contact. If she likes you, you will know. It shouldn't be this hard.

@bangheadhere40 thanks - I might incorporate some of that into my reply I’ve been drafting.

@UtterSocks no, I’d feel rubbish if she said that, but I know from previous experience it would hurt for a bit but then I’d get over it, which is better than constantly feeling anxious.

It’s complicated by the fact that I’m almost certain that this is due to her depression/stress, and she has said similar things before then has been fine after a few days, and we’ve had lovely dates since.

For whatever reason I just can’t bring myself to walk away, and I want to improve this part of myself when I see a therapist next week.

I think @cat will accept that no reply means she is not interested. I think by sending one last direct message it will be clear either way.

For me personally it's the confusion that is more worrying than the reality. I struggle to walk away too.

@TheCatWithTheHat much as you might wish it to be otherwise, if you both wanted to be together, you wouldn't even need to ask, you'd both just know. @UtterSocks yes online dating is a massive time suck! So much investment for so little return! I have recently moved onto the paid sites (eHarmony- don't bother, match-too soon to tell) after 3 years of nobody getting past two dates with me on the free sites. We'll see. What keeps us doing it? Hope, I guess. Although I did read a review of match that said it was a great site, the only problem being, in ten years of being on the site, she still hadn't met anyone

@bangheadhere40 exactly - if her replies over Christmas and NY hasn’t been so quick and friendly then I’d be more sure she wasn’t interested. So I need to know for sure and then be able to move on (finally).

@cat if it's a vague reply though I would take it that she is just keeping you hanging on, if you have asked a direct question with no direct answer. :-)

Mr Smile has been messaging all day, but no mention of arranging a 3rd date, what do I do, mention it or just leave it until he does.

Mention it @bang

Happy New year everyone! I've been reading but not felt much like posting plus was away over new year.

@CheesecakeAddict offended is how i felt when I paid for bumble! As sunshine says, if you like them you will have swiped them. I think it's better if you don't know who has liked you as you can end up going, yeah I guess he's just about ok... and before you know it you're going on a date with someone you would never have swiped on.

@menora I'm glad you finally dumped him. He sounded so needy. We're all different in what we can cope with and I'm like you and utter socks in that I cannot stand any neediness/insecurity. I'm probably avoidant too. I can't even deal with a good morning message, I'm like, yeah whatever, I'm trying to get the kids to school/get out the house/exercise/live my life... I don't want to be obligated to send a message to someone on top of everything else. Please stay here, us avoidant types need to stick together!

@sunshineandflipflops I'm so disappointed you didn't go for the sober rave... 😬

@BatshitCrazyWoman I hope you're ok. Well I'm sure you are ok as you're so level headed but that Is tough.

I'm not sure whether to start dating again or not. I kind of feel like I need to just get back in the saddle and enjoy meeting people again. I'm not cranking up tinder til February (apparently @shitwithsugar on) but I might have a bumble tonight. And my guardian soulmates profile is still floating in the ether. I think I'm ready to stop swiping on 35 year olds who look like mr unsuitable and go for more sensible matches. But not the potato heads. We'll see.

Oh!

@tigerdater and mr greedy sitting in a tree..... just go for it!

@bangheadhere40 just tell him when you're available. Why are you waiting?

@bangheadhere40 oh god I hate it when they do that! Just stop with the chat and ask me out already! Honestly where have all the real men gone?! The ones who knew how to be a man and take the lead in moving the relationship forward without the need for all this game playing!

I don't know, I guess I could say I have set nights off next week if he is interested. I want him to ask me though, as at least then I'm sure he is interested. Especially after the last endless messenger I was speaking to.

Actually I have a question. I swapped numbers in the pub with someone before Xmas. We messaged a bit but he couldn't meet till the new year and so it tailed off. He sent the last message. I sent one in Xmas day to which he replied. I forgot in nye. Now should I ask him for a date? Or just not bother. I haven't got anything to lose and he was quite keen in the pub just not been very proactive since, although he always responds. I think the etiquette is different as it's not old..

I have said that I enjoyed myself and I would like to go the restaurant we were going to go to ( as I got too drunk :-() I think I am best leaving it.

@unambiguousbeard yes just ask him, nothing to lose is there!

Yeh just ask him @unambiguousbeard and then you will know. I’m also like you with the morning messages haha, feels like an admin task on top of all my other admin tasks . Mr Media still messaging but at least he is funny. Also not rushing to set another date which is good as am definitely friendZoning him. I think I may give it a rest for a few weeks when I go back to work. If only it were not so hard to meet someone IRL

If you want to ask these men out go for it but I'm with @bangheadhere40 I would so much prefer it if they would man up and ask me! What about actually at work @UtterSocks , do you have any possibilities there for meeting someone irl?

Just a friendly ask but can we stop with the "man up" and "real men" talk please? I find it pretty sexist.