I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

We're Catholic: there is no 3 days limit / requirement for a funeral to take place

Just to point out Catholic funerals are within 3 days of death.

No, they aren't. I am Catholic and these days it is very often shifted (within reason) to some day convenient for the family, like the next weekend, if that makes it easier for far away relatives to travel.
Traditionally, before there were cooling houses, obviously, you were more restricted. (I guess that is why Muslims need to bury their dead the same day, traditionally.). But in winter that wasn't even a given in the Alps back in the days (frozen ground, bad weather with farms high up in the mountains...).

What does he mean - don't put him on the BC? Is it different in France, because over here if you are married the Husband is automatically the 'Father' on the BC.

@loseyourself that's definitely not the case. I'm in Ireland and this Christmas alone there is a backlog where I am living. Traditionally yes it was within two or three days but that's changing.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

@rhubarbarkle - just get off this OP's back, and STOP with your harrassment of her. It's ugly to witness.

I have to say there's been some unconscionable behaviour on this thread, but yours stands out as about the worst of the lot. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. But of course, you won't be

This woman owes you an explanation for precisely nothing. This is someone's life, she's going through I absolute hell right at this moment and the last thing she needs is additional stress put on her by some stranger on the internet. She is not here to add credence to your ill-considered biases relating to the role of women in marriage

Leave her the hell alone

This in bucket spades

I didn't say aa requirement @JoyceDivision, the standard is within 3 days. I already stand corrected lads and agreed, that it is not always the norm, so move on. Extracting myself here .

Funeral issues and long delays seem to crop up in the UK (maybe in England) more than elsewhere. You are very likely to have a funeral and be buried in France, Ireland or the US within 7-10 days of your death, most likely within 3-5 days. There can be delays at Christmas and Easter and bank holidays. A funeral can also be delayed to allow relatives to travel from abroad. Because burying the dead is considered an act of charity (for both the deceased and the grieving) it is done as soon as possible. The 'soon as possible' bit is the rub of course, but this varies from country to country.

@allisonjade, I would be making plans to leave for the UK soon if I were you. I wouldn't wait until there is a chance your baby could be born prematurely and survive on French soil. The legal ramifications of birth in France are too serious for you. I would go as soon as your doctor gives you the go ahead, preferably before 25 weeks.

Lawyers can sort out the disposition of the property you own jointly with your H. That is their job. The discussions on that can be accomplished from anywhere.

KatherineJaneway Sounds like he feels you made a decision, you chose the baby over him.*

I would chose my baby over anyone else any day ... it’s my job to protect them everyone else can wear their big boy pants, especially if it put his life at risk ... sorry #notsorry

As I said in a previous reply to someone quoting me, I did not say OP was being unreasonable in any way, I was simply pointing out how her dh might be feeling to provoke such a reaction. There was no 'right' or 'wrong' in my reply, just a perspective for the OP.

Oh OP please please please come back to the UK and have the baby here. Look into medical transport. Sell stuff, max out your credit cards, borrow money, whatever it takes.
This man is not currently safe and if you wait until your baby is born he will have so much more power over you. What if you split up and end up having to do joint custody with him??

@DishingOutDone thanks for the head up, I'd actually spotted this thread and have PM-ed the OP.

My exh wasn't sectioned, he was taken into hospital overnight for tests after being picked up by the police.

Then he was transferred to the psychiatric unit where they initially discharged him as he refused to cooperate.

We went back later that night in exh's request and they finally admitted him overnight when he agreed to play ball and I refused to take him home.

He could have discharged himself at any time, but luckily close friends were visiting every day and persuaded the staff to keep him in (and him to stay in), not sure on what basis but again, he could have gone home at any point (which is why I had to move out of the family home in a hurry as the staff warmed me off the record that he seemed dangerous to me).

I was lucky enough to have already seen a divorce lawyer at this point who gave me excellent advice with regard to the children and custody and also "abandoning " the family home.

Divorce in france can be mutually agreed and fairly quick or for fault (expensive and difficult to prove) or if your h doesn't agree (like mine) you have to wait for 2 years to file after separation. But you can get an initial hearing to set up temporary measures, depending on how busy the courts are, this can take 2-8 months.

I definitely recommend checking the legal situation with an expert in family law.

Re abusive vs breakdown.

In my (sample of one!) experience, exh's covert verbal abuse hid a seething mass of hatred to me which was revealed and became a real danger when he had his breakdown.

They called it "décompensation" or a "bouffée délirante aigüe " which is basically a psychotic episode. Exh seemed coherent and rational to the staff but hid the details of his psychosis and paranoia from them. The friends who saw him were horrified by the anger he expressed towards me and were genuinely worried too that he would act on it if out of the hospital.

The breakdown was like an exaggerated version of what I'd had glimpses of before in exh. It wasn't a total transformation.

This is why I think being abusive and a breakdown are not separate things.

The filter was off, that's all.

As others said, grief can do bad things yo you but it is not an excuse to attack others and show no remorse at all.

Good luck op, and pm anytime.

I think this might be the most disturbing thread I've read on MN.

I cannot understand so many women insisting OP should have gone to the funeral (and I'm from a country that takes funerals seriously)

She absolutely did the right thing in not travelling.

At this stage Alison love from your perspective it doesn't really matter if your oh has had a mental breakdown or his bad temper has escalated out of control with grief, you need to put your and your babies safety first.

I echo the pps saying get copies of any paperwork and make sure you're at your sisters when he returns, sounds like you may have a few more days to get sorted.

Get your blood pressure checked tomorrow.

And look into paying for medical support to travel back to the uk when you can so your baby is born in the uk. Legally that will make things easier if you decide to leave. The cost will be money well spent if things get worse

If he is having a mental breakdown it sounds like his family will help him, sad as it is you need to put yours and your baby's safety first.

I hope things work out for you

Even without their stupid comment, anyone who thinks it is should of and not should have isn't worth taking notice of.

And look into paying for medical support to travel back to the uk when you can so your baby is born in the uk. Legally that will make things easier if you decide to leave.

France is a Hague Convention country and she is married to the child's father. We should check how solid that protection is.

Very glad you have been in touch @jamaisjedors, sorry for confusion I thought your H was forcibly detained. Anyway, great support for the OP, the better side of MN for you too.

OP , earlier I had a little sympathy for him in my previous post and thought he was just lashing out, but its clear now that its far more than that, and the man is a danger. Please get away. He could hurt you. Are thou anywhere close to your french family?

Oh, OP my heart goes out to you.

Why don't you arrange for your sister to come to you first thing in the morning? I think for you could benefit right now both mentally and physically from a bit of company and support. Even if it's just to make you a cup of tea or give you a cuddle.

You shouldn't be alone right now.

While she is there you can talk properly about what you want to happen next and perhaps the possibility of staying with her?

He's a narcissist as only cares about himself and how he is feeling. X

bd67th
The implications of your thought on the Hague Convention are that a pregnant woman can't leave an abusive relationship or any other jeopardy for another country.

A woman while pregnant is not under the purview of the Hague Convention. The unborn child is not accorded personhood until born. She is not abducting a child if she moves to the UK while pregnant.

The state of ordinary residence of the child is important for HC enforcement purposes, hence the advice to move back to the UK to have the baby.

Hence also the advice to keep all the texts that the H in this case has sent, and any texts from his uncle, his mother, his brother and SIL, plus any other family members at this time and in the future, relating to the H's rage, his disowning of the baby, and any threat to the safety of the OP.

OP, you must be scared stiff and so stressed, you poor love.

If at all possible, have someone stay with you or go stay with your sister. Don’t be alone if you can avoid it.
There’s some excellent advice from those more knowledgeable than most of us. Take it, and stay safe.

As far as I understand it, were you to move back to the U.K. you would not have NHS cover for the first six months. France might cover your medical costs in another EU country (I think it’s the S1 form but may be wrong) but all of this may be in the air with Brexit.

OP - I too would leave now, right now. If DH is not going to be back until the New Year, I'd leave the empty house and go to your sisters, or back to UK ASAP. And I'd cut contact - he might not even notice, if he's ignoring you and your calls/texts.

But LTB, now.

I'm confused was the funeral in England or is your DH French?
I get he is grieving but that's unforgivable behaviour to speak to you like that xx

Booboo
Unless it’s changed since I came back to the Uk pregnant with my dd, care is covered. It was perhaps an eu reciprocation Though. I forget.