I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

Okay, I'm old-fashioned - but I'd expect a bit of stiff upper lip from any man I'd want to be involved with. Grief is not an excuse for complete loss of control. As for phoning you from the funeral - what appalling bad manners. Shouldn't he be manning up and supporting his mother, anyway?

@allisonjade
My dh is French and I have a little bit of experience of French mental health care due to dhs cousin.

There is a big back story but his male cousin presented in a suicidal, catatonic state, refusing to eat. He was given a place in a convalescent care hospital (we no longer have these sorts of hospitals in the U.K., they’re to care for people after operations etc) on as far as I can gather a voluntary basis for two weeks. He spent the whole two weeks smoking cannabis with a guy, who’d had an operation and had been sent to this hospital to recuperate. The hospital had no mental health care provision, which suited dhs cousin as he had refused to accept any.

I contacted his gp as I wasn’t happy with the care provided and asked why he hadn’t been sectioned. I was told they couldn’t section him because sectioning (at least for being catatonic / suicidal) doesn’t exist.

On leaving, he was assigned a psychiatrist, who he saw for 10 mins once a month. Basically no care provided as he refused to engage.

We haven’t really ascertained whether or not your dh is even mentally unwell. However, I just wanted to leave this as a cautionary tale. Dhs cousin was verbally and physically abusive to his ex girlfriend. I know because his ex told me.

If you don’t want to live in France once your baby is born and if you were my daughter, I would sell my possessions and mortgage my house to pay for a private ambulance to escort you back to the U.K. to give birth. I really think you should be discussing your options with your family.

Were you married in France, OP? And is he French?

posts taken down for sarcasm?

No. Taken down for being goady. Tbf, I couldn’t actually make head nor tail of that poster’s ramble. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry, realise I hadn't read the whole story.

"If you don’t want to live in France once your baby is born and if you were my daughter, I would sell my possessions and mortgage my house to pay for a private ambulance to escort you back to the U.K. to give birth. I really think you should be discussing your options with your family."

^^
This, @allisonjade. Whatever is going on with your husband, his own family clearly believes you to be in danger from him. At the very least, please go and stay with your sister well before he is due back. Don't trust him. You need to look after yourself and your unborn child and if that means your husband being out of the picture, then so be it.
Is divorce any more difficult in France than in the UK, actually? Do you have to have lived apart for a certain amount of time before a divorce is granted, or do you have to have proved physical abuse if he were to contest the divorce? It sounds to me as if he is no longer interested in your marriage or your child, I'm afraid, so presumably he would be prepared to agree to a divorce in any case? I've only got second-hand experience of divorce, in Switzerland, where you can get a no-fault divorce quite easily if you both are agreed, so I've no idea if I'm talking through my hat about this. Are you allowed not to put the father's name on the birth certificate in France? I have no idea. I'm sorry, I feel as if I am adding to your already heightened stress levels but I wanted you to feel as if there is at least one other person here "on your side" about this, who is seriously considering what your options might be in your present situation.
Good luck

No one knows if OP's DH has had a breakdown. His family are offering that as an explanation but he hasn't seen a doctor, let alone a psychiatrist. What we do know is that both his mum and his uncle have warned the OP against being alone with him, and his mum has described him as a angry man. He shouted abuse at his mother at his dad's funeral. This isn't all directed at OP.

It could be some sort of MH crisis. Or it could be the worst manifestation of a lifelong pattern of anger, particularly directed at women. I wonder if he's the type who always has to blame someone else for things, even whatever it is was no one's fault at all.

OP needs support in this horrible situation, not ill informed criticism.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily
I don't know but the whole thread has degenerated into the usual LTB. There is now a post about divorcing in France.

Keep the baby safe OP and get some space.

Idk about divorce in France. I do know as the mother it is possible to take you kid to another part of the country and the police refuse to take the child back or tell the father where the child is. Even if the father knew where the child was, he could not legally take the child back. To get access or even an address he would have to go to court for this. This happened to 2 of dhs friend btw. The first child was returned. The second was not and the father of the second told me his live in partner abducting their child was 100% legal - they weren’t married but I presume he was in the bc. What I don’t know is what would happen if the father took the child away or if what I have described always applies.

Please don’t presume laws in France are the same as in the U.K. They aren’t.

Gosh, people sure have different expectations around funerals! My dad died when I was 22 and I didn’t think anyone owed me attendance. My mum died 25 years later and I went alone. I thought my kids were too little, I was divorced, and my friends didn’t offer. It didn’t cross my mind that I needed a minder or support. Even my niece, who was very attached to her gran, didn’t come as she was too upset (& sown sibs were dead, some couldn’t be arsed to travel).

He’s being abusive, grief is absolutely no excuse. Bed rest vs possibly losing the baby? I know what I’d choose, and it wouldn’t be going out for the day.

Blimey MNHQ are being kept on their toes on this thread!

OP if you are still reading this please take care of yourself and your unborn baby.

@loseyourself - my post was in response to a comment from the OP. HTH.

@allisonjade I can’t believe the ignorant and unpleasant replies you have received from so many people on this thread. You did absolutely the right thing by not going to the funeral. The abuse you received from your husband was completely unacceptable under any circumstances. I agree with pp who have suggested looking into a private ambulance to get you back to family in the UK. If things go bad and you want to move home it would be much easier if your daughter was born in the Uk. If you don’t think that is possible then definitely consider staying with your sister for a while. Look after yourself.

if you were my daughter, I would sell my possessions and mortgage my house to pay for a private ambulance to escort you back to the U.K. to give birth.

Stable patients can be transported by stretcher on commercial flights with a medical escort. Companies exist that will arrange door-to-ward transport for you.

OP, an option could be to get quotes for a stretcher flight back to Blighty whilst you're staying with your sister.

I appreciate that this must be information overload, but the more options you are aware of, the stronger your position is. If you're keeping the baby (and I get the feeling that you are), you've got a breathing space of a few weeks to decide what will be safest for you.

@allisonjade

I know you have so much on your plate right now. But if possible, can you seek legal advice or have someone seek it on your behalf? I think before you make any major decisions you need to know your legal position wrt separation/divorce and especially child custody issues in France. Things may be different depending on your legal status (citizen vs non-citizen) and your marital status (married vs cohabitating). It really doesn't do to guess at these things or take advice offered on the internet as 'fact'.

If you are in any way contemplating starting anew in the UK, then you need to know that France is a Hague Convention Country, which means that if the child becomes habitually resident in France you most likely will not be able to move the child back to the UK without your DH's permission.

Just to point out Catholic funerals are within 3 days of death. Anyone who is Catholic knows that. In any normal circumstance he would be laid to rest by the 23rd of December. In France 6 days maximum for burial. Just saying

Not always, loseyourself. I’m in NI and it still took 5 days.

@KatherineJaneway
**Sounds like he feels you made a decision, you chose the baby over him.

I would chose my baby over anyone else any day ... it’s my job to protect them everyone else can wear their big boy pants, especially if it put his life at risk ... sorry #notsorry

Not always @T0tallyFuckedUpFamily but never 8 days unless of course there is an autopsy required or extra circumstances. Not in France myself, but my brother is and personally I have been to a funeral on Boxing Day.

That's not true about Catholic funerals, loseyourself. My English Catholic mother died before Christmas one year and her funeral was held a month later because there was no earlier convenient time for the funeral Mass to be held at her parish church.

Ok @Jaichangecentfoisdenom, I appreciate that so, I stand corrected.

I guess it's where you are from, every church where I am from is Catholic! (guess where!!) so there is no scheduling conflicts

There's a long running thread in Relationships - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H

In it, @Jamaisjedors posting from France explains how her husband had a psychotic episode and was given the French equivalent of a section order - maybe she will be willing to come on here and advise or contact the OP directly? (Have I tagged her correctly?)

@ loseyourself My MIL was Catholic and her funeral was 10 days after her death . No post-mortem, just due to undertaker being busy .