I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

I'm glad he's keeping away for now although I'm sorry you're alone without face to face support and company. Could your sister or a friend visit you ASAP and maybe over new year's?

I also advise you to contact your local DVA organisation - see www.stop-violences-femmes.gouv.fr/-les-associations-pres-de-chez-vous-.html

While he's away it's the perfect opportunity to go through paperwork and make sure you have the essentials stored in a safe place. If I were you I would also look into local solicitors and have one or two meetings to see where you'd stand if you did decide to divorce him.

Are your parents and sister in the UK or France? If you split would you want to move back to the UK?

@AnotherEmma sorry I must have missed the post where the OP said he was domestically abusive. OP get the cops involved right now and go to a shelter.

I definitely think you should of been there

OP, the mad ears are out today! Ignore half of our posts.

That escalated quickly... almost as quickly as the DH. Some posters must really identify with him.

@rhubarbarkle What in the good Lord's name of all that's holy are you talking about?

Taxi!!!!!!!

RTFT @Vafunculo

What in the good Lord's name of all that's holy are you talking about?

Thank fuck it’s not just my lack of sleep! That was a very weird tangent. Between that and @stellas5 nonsense post.

Ohh, I get it now. I didn’t pick up on the sarcasm at first, rhubarbarkle

'The thing is, surely the chance of the op losing the baby because of travel were really tiny. Ready is recommended for 24, maybe 48 hours at a push after amino, this is 5 days later.'

But it isn't just because of the amnio; it is because this is a very high risk pregnancy where the OP sadly lost the baby's twin at 14 weeks. And she was medically advised not to travel.

Stellas5 then you are an idiot.

Allison i just want to add my voice to those (most of us here) wishing you well, but warning that you should not give this man a second chance. He is abusive and may well be violent, or at least dangerously controlling, if you take him back. Mental breakdown or not is irrelevant. It’s not about him, it’s about your need to protect yourself snd your baby.

Very best wishes to you.

no sarcasm tag @T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

all in one way, all in the other, can happen. @Vafunculo, think Mumsnet need to reassess your username really goady

Personally I agree the OP should not have travelled if it could have possibly endangered herself and their child.

But what I am horrified by is the lack of mental health awareness that people think having a mental breakdown is even compatible to being bad tempered or abusive. Having a mental breakdown is a very serious psychological illness and is NOT the same as being wilfully abusive. We wouldn't condemn a mother suffering with pnd although they may act in horrific ways they wouldn't even consider while mentally healthy, a completw mental breakdown also results in someone acting in ways they wouldn't when healthy.

I find it shocking people going mental breakdown or not that's abusive etc etc.. because people are severly missing the severity of the impact a mental breakdown can have on a person.
We lack appropriate information to have a more informed opinion.

OP, I have no knowlegde of the medical procedure you've had, so my first thought was "of course you should have been there!"
However reading the thread and your updates I understand (somewhat) that travelling would have been very dangerous for you and your child.

It sounds like your DH is having a breakdown. My DH had a breakdown just after I had DS and tried to take his own life. It was hell trying to juggle a premature newborn and a depressed DH. My DH is the love of my life and my best friend and it was an awful time in our lives. We tend not to talk about it anymore because we're both still hurt.
If you can be supportive of him and manage you're pregnancy then do, but if you ultimately have to choose, the choice is not hard. Baby always comes first.

Stay safe, OP. Keep that little bundle nice and tucked up, warm in bed with you

stellas5 Sun 29-Dec-19 13:40:52
I definitely think you should of been there
.......
Stella, the op says in her first post that she is on bed rest and working from home. She lost one baby this year and cannot take chances with this one. Surely anyone can understand that.
(I've deliberately ignored the obvious)

alisonjade, I sincerely hope your husband has now come to his senses and apologised but somehow I doubt it. It sounds bad that he has kicked off at the funeral.

I'm glad you have a few days to sort things out.

@rhubarbarkle - just get off this OP's back, and STOP with your harrassment of her. It's ugly to witness.

I have to say there's been some unconscionable behaviour on this thread, but yours stands out as about the worst of the lot. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. But of course, you won't be.

This woman owes you an explanation for precisely nothing. This is someone's life, she's going through absolute hell right at this moment and the last thing she needs is additional stress put on her by some stranger on the internet. She is not here to add credence to your ill-considered biases relating to the role of women in marriage.

Leave her the hell alone.

no sarcasm T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

Oh dear Gaia! It just never stops.

Wow, forget her DH, so much on this thread is abusive. Hope she doesn’t come back and read it.

posts taken down for sarcasm?