I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

Maybe leave. Lots of men who are prone to anger get worse in child birth.
Maybe go and stay with your sister and then ask him in a few weeks to put the house up for sale as you want to go it alone. X

And given his recent messages about our unborn child, I'm not sure he even wants this child even more

It will be because he is not number one in your life anymore.

If you'd leave your husband because he's having a mental breakdown then that's up to you but I know I wouldn't

Unless you have direct experience of this you have no idea what you are talking about. Managing someone within a family who is in the throes of a mental health breakdown is a world away from managing physical illness. Its not as simple as being saintly, you have to consider the well being of DC and others. Just like the OP here will have to.

Assuming of course it is a mental breakdown and not just an escalation of normal behaviour (which is what it sounds like). Mental breakdown can be a handy, more acceptable screen to hide behind when a relative is simply an abusive fucker.

OP I know that you have been advised not to travel, but I would speak urgently with your doctor about the possibility of returning to the uk.

I am worried that his family members quick to decide he is suffering some sort of mh break are doing so because the alternative is so unbearable for them to consider.

I realise that they know him, but they are scared for your physical safety whatever the reason, and despite your need to stay calm I really think that you should be too.

It's sounds like even if you had taken the risk of making the long journey to attend the funeral...he would have been kicking off at you. He has shouted at his mother, had a go at his uncle, and at his brother. If you had been by his side you would have been having to suffer and witness all this as well. He is clearly on the edge and lashing out at everyone and even if you had gone with him, my guess is that this grief fuelled fury would have come out. As it is, he is able to take the fact you didn't go and use it to pour all his overwhelming emotions into blaming you for that. He yelled at his grieving mother while they waited for his father's coffin.

You were right to avoid the risk to your baby. Not just from the travelling, as it turns out, but also from the immense stress of being around him at his worst. It sounds as though he has ruined his father's funeral for some of his other relatives. The fact that his mother and uncle have been in touch with you to tell you, and actually warn you, about his mental state, and the fact they do not think you have done the wrong thing, is reassuring about your part in this. This is him. So sorry, OP.

Let's hope he stays away until he is calmer and more rational.

I'm sorry to see this thread descending into such volatility, which given the OP's situation right now is the last thing she needs. Hasn't her husband put her through enough?

@allisonjade - I'm glad to see this hasn't put you off returning to the thread, as despite some unaccepable in-fighting you have received some very valuable advice, and I think some of these people can continue to help and support you.

You asked: If I forgive him after this, does it give him leverage to be worse in the future? Bearing in mind the back story, from my own experience of abusers I believe it would. Other PPs have pointed out that this is a pattern, and the strange thing about abusers (and sadly that's what he is) is that their behaviour varies very little.

One of the most alarming aspects of that pattern is the interplay between love-bombing and abusive behaviour. This is what you've described when he's lost his temper with you before and become immediately contrite afterwards. Each time the abusee is shocked because it's never been that bad before, and they hope it can be explained as a one-off. That's a very well-recognized pattern. Over time, you'll know whether or not this has become more frequent.

A second one is the onset of abuse in pregnancy. That's common too. And the third, and most worrying one judging by your posts, is escalation. Yesterday's events have shown how rapidly that can happen, and how you can go from a position of apparent equilibrium with your spouse (your mutual agreement that you should not go to the funeral) to fearing for your own safety.

That's the unfortunate position you're in now. And I'm sorry to say that this is how it works. Abusers don't have a tendency to get better. But they are known to get worse. This kind of thing escalates - always. You and your DH have suffered momentous losses. I sympathise with you both over that. The reality of his situation, though, is that whilst he's in his current state you can do nothing for him (and please ignore the trite Disneyesque nonsense that this can all go away if you 'just love him enough'. That's crap). You don't have the expertise or current capacity to do anything for him; nor is it your responsibility to help him. All you can positively do amid this nightmare is to continue helping and protecting your unborn child, as you have done up until this point.

You don't know that he will be safe to be around, and his family have warned you they don't think he is. Trust them. For the moment - and I'd say up until the birth at least - you need to make plans to live separately and to foster as calm an environment as is possible. You have four months of this pregnancy left, so this is crucial. I'd also give some thought to whether you'd like to remain in France.

Secondly, I'd make even the smallest hope of reconciliation conditional upon his receiving psychiatric help and care, or at the very least, intensive psychotherapy. This wasn't just any old ordinary meltdown.

It isn't 'love' your DH needs right now. It's help.

Wishing you all the very best

You think I am male because I disagree with you on a forum

Your sex is irrelevant, you are promoting the "fairy tale" myth of love overcoming all which results contributes to two deaths and multiple visits to A&E every week in the UK alone.

You are focusing on the wants of a man with a history of temper tantrums to control behaviour, not just to the OP but to other women, over the needs of an unwell pregnant woman and his own child to be.

That doesn't make you a man (god knows, no shortage of misogyny on this site from posters stating they are women) but your focus on the man's wants rather than both the needs of his wife/child and the wants of the widow and the rest of the family suggests lack of knowledge of male pattern abuse or of grief reactions exposing regular behaviour rather than creating aberrant aggressive behaviour.

I am worried that his family members quick to decide he is suffering some sort of mh break are doing so because the alternative is so unbearable for them to consider

I agree entirely with this. People will desperately try to find an acceptible explanation for this behaviour and "mental health breakdown" is a popular option.

It may be a breakdown rather than an acceleration of his normal use of temper to control situations but its just as likely to be what it looks like - an acceleration. In which case yes, understanding the implications of travel back to the UK or somewhere safe is worth investigating, even if its not ultimately used.

It's sounds like even if you had taken the risk of making the long journey to attend the funeral...he would have been kicking off at you.

Yes exactly. The idea that the OP has a responsibility to risk her own and the child's safety because an adult man can't control himself is ridiculous. It is his reponsibility to manage his behaviour not hers, and if he can't control it then he needs the attention of professionals.

I agree entirely with this. People will desperately try to find an acceptible explanation for this behaviour and "mental health breakdown" is a popular option.

I agree. I’d bet good money he’s no more having a “mental breakdown” than I could fly in the air

It's sounds like even if you had taken the risk of making the long journey to attend the funeral...he would have been kicking off at you.
I came on to say exactly the same - he would have been abusive in person if she had made the journey regardless. As he was with his own mother, the grieving widow. And his brother who is kindly putting him up. and others, To the extent that his own mother is warning OP about his behaviour - how would he have been with her in person?

And lots of posters would have berated her for putting her unborn child at risk - she would be wrong whatever she did (as has been shown!)

OP - get out of there. Your marriage is over, whatever happens now - and it is over because he is abusive. You are being abused and your child will be too. I personally would get far away from him as soon as possible - and sad to say, if that caused a miscarriage of this vulnerable baby, so be it. The baby will be used as a weapon against you - and already is being.

OP, I would seriously consider travelling back to the UK and having your baby here. It will reduce the leverage he will have over you a little. Once the baby is born he can stop you leaving the country and it sounds as if he could be very nasty.

OP, I too would suggest returning to the UK before the baby is born. Usually the reason for not being able to travel is the risk of bleeding and being far from immediate medical help. So I suspect your gynaecologist didn't want you to travel far from hospital - they say that when they suspect you're at high risk of bleeding to death or losing baby. I am not your doctor, but that is usually the concern.

I'd like to hear that this baby was born in the UK however and that you don't put him on the birth cert. If he's staying away for a while, you have time to plan a trip back. Could your sister go on the flight? Bring your medical notes with you? You're sort of trapped in France to an extent, but maybe ask your doctor about flying. I think it's an hour flight?

If I forgive him after this, does it give him leverage to be worse in the future? Unfortunately it does. When cruel people are given a ball pass to behave in such a verbally aggressive way, they often push those boundaries a bit more each time. You need to decide if you’re willing to risk it and with having a baby to someone who is capable of frightening you and his own mother in such a way, you have so much more to lose.

Math made a comment earlier about the possibility of him being jealous of the attention being taken away from him, even at his own father’s funeral and I can believe that. I’ve seen that kind of jealous behaviour before by a relative, after my husband was diagnosed and even at his funeral. This person would have others, who didn’t know him, convinced that they were an upstanding member of the community, but their acting out didn’t actually shock those of us, in his family, that knew him well.

The fact that his mother is warning you, rather than making excuses for her son, suggests that she’s aware of just how bad he can get. I know there has been the thought that he may be having a breakdown, but the fact that he quickly backed off from your uncle, would suggest that he has enough self awareness to know that the men might hit back. As you will see throughout Mumsnet, it’s common for mothers/wives to make ex for bad men in their lives. Don’t put yourself at risk of becoming a statistic.

I’m so terribly sorry you’re going through this. No woman deserves the suffering you have and are continuing to go through. I hope your future is much brighter and happier than you could ever hope for.

If you do think coming back to the UK is a good idea then maybe the Eurostar? I would think train travel would be safer for the baby than a flight involving changes of air pressure? Not a medical professional here though.

I also can't believe people are rowing about the issues on this thread, it's disgusting. Do your best to stay calm and be safe OP.

Sending so much love and support OP, unlike some of the idiots on this post I have read all your updates and think you 100% made the right decision for you and your baby.
Going forward whatever you decide is going to be hard but do whatever you think is best for you and your baby. Xx

Would seem all the abuse apologists have gone quiet after the last update by the op.

Being kind is all well and good but not if it endangers your life or that of your unborn child.

Some people being very tran on this thread they know they are wrong but there is not a pups chance they are going to admit it along with the Pollyanna types who think love will conquer everything including abuse.

Thank you for the kind messages of support, it's really helping me. I have yet to hear from him (not a call, not a single text, still on unread). He is apparently going to stay with his family until next week Thursday or Friday - he has not told me this, his brother's wife is in contact with me. So I will be spending NYE alone.

I also had his uncle phone me to check how I'm doing, he is the most concerned out of everyone with my husband's mental state. He does seem to think it's a mental breakdown. I don't know what to make of it, and in the end I'm not sure it matters whether it's a mental breakdown or not. He was abusive towards me (and his mother) and right now I don't feel safe. If he does apologize and seek amends, and that' a big if right now, he would need to get professional help. I can't put myself at risk again, being in a high risk pregnancy and with a newborn on the way. I'm a first time mom too.

Right now, I'm trying to eat well and relax, even though my stomach is in a knot. I can't envisage travelling at the moment (too risky for the pregnancy) but will speak to my doctors. We also own property together here in France so god knows how I'm going to sort this out. At least I have a few days to think it over.

Your health and that of your child should be your primary priority right now.

You don’t feel safe, and others are concerned on your behalf.

Can you stay with your sister for the time being?

Try to think of this next few days as the space you need to rest and think. Leave him be, no more messages. Let his family deal with him.

I do think it would still be a good idea to go to your sister's. You have time now to do it quietly, before he gets back.

Are you going to ask your sister or a Frito stay with you, OP? It might be best, until you decide what to do, just in case he heads back to you. I’m concerned that he could do this behind his family’s back.

I would actually listen to his mother’s warnings rather than the uncle. Unless he’s medically trained, then I’m concerned that he’s just making excuses for him and just be aware that he might start downplaying his nephew’s bad behaviour over the next few days.

I’m glad you’re eating well and looking after yourself.

*or a friend. I’ve no idea who Frito is, but I’m sure she’d be happy to help too.

Presumably there is comfort and benefit to OP being in her own space. As a precaution maybe keep the key in the lock so he can't get in if he does decide to come home.

I'm glad the unhelpful posters and all those who hadn't bothered to RTWT seem to have fallen silent.

Just wanted to send heartfelt sympathy your way, OP. Things were stressful enough before his DF's death and now you have this to contend with. I'm so sorry.

My advice is to go to your sister and sit tight white you wait to see how the immediate future turns out. Longer term (and later in your pregnancy, when things will hopefully be more stable) I'd think hard about coming home to the UK for the delivery for obvious reasons.

No silence @Prawnofthepatriarchy; their relationship is dead in the water according to this thread, is that what is ok for you OP?