To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

Surely your ex does not need to know who is looking after the boys while you are labouring. If you are at home and then need to go to hospital then your parents would need to step in and it eould not be his business if trusted relatives had to care for the boys.

@Italiangreyhound Eldest would call him and tell him. Because eldest believes we would be breaking the rules too. Knowing my ex he'd be banging on the door when I'm in labour!

"In my darkest of days I question if my life would have been better had I stayed."

I think that is exactly what he wants you to do. Please stop allowing him to control your emotions. Please find a way to disconnect. How could it be better to still be living with this evil git? One day your boys Eill's be older and very soon all contact with ex can cease. I'm so sorry you are suffering.

Can you get written evidence on what to do in lockdown? From a medical professional. Show it to your son?

Must go to bed. I am so sorry this is so hard. You have been massively failed by so many people.

How long before you are due? I really hope lockdown will end soon.

Please do nkt allow him to rob you of your joy at this time.

@Italiangreyhound I'm 36 weeks' on Friday. Such crap timing

Hi OP
Only read the first 6 pages and last two so I don't know if anyone else has suggested this, but can you contact your MP? I can't believe this level of abuse isn't illegal, criminal, the police need to do something and social services should be helping you protect your children from him.

@KenDodd Hi there. Thank you for suggesting it. Yes, other posters have mentioned it too so I think it's definitely worth me giving it a try.
Not sure how to sum it all up in a brief way though?!

OP, just drop your MP with a line saying that you need some help because you are very concerned that your ex husband was (and continues to be) abusive to you and that he is being abusive to and in front of your children. Tell the MP that you have tried the police and social services but they have told you that they won't act on emotional, psychological and verbal abuse, only bruises. Tell the MP that you would come in to his surgery to explain more in person but that obviously you can't due to Covid and request a call back. I am sure they will call you if you would prefer to do it that way.

Think through the scenario of you going to hospital.

Grandparent (1) comes over. DC wake up. Ex turns up. Doors are locked and Grandparent has key.

Grandparent dials 999, police turn up.

You have a court order the police will not hand DS' over.

Next time Ex doesn't return, you have a court order, the police will return the boys.

How do you think Ex behaviour will look to the court? Him whining that you having childcare during lockdown when you are transferred into hospital in an emergency that he has done that?

'Not sure how to sum it all up in a brief way though?!'

Might I suggest you use the comments you wrote on the thread to write your story out.

Once you have the full story - keep that, and then edit down to the succinct points. It will be painful to write bit as you do it please think 'i will not be defeated. I will beat him. Common sense will prevail etc.' There is some power in positive thinking (I believe) and you do need to believe in yourself.

And /or do what 30thetoddleratemyhomework siggest!

The Covid legislation says one of the reasons for leaving your house is to look after a vulnerable person. So if there is a transfer to hospital (hopefully not) then grandparents coming to you or your DS going to grandparents is still within the rules as without adult supervision they would otherwise be vulnerable.

Perhaps explain that to DS?

Do you have a diary of incidents op?
I would suggest you keep one if you don't and go back and log as much as you can remember. Also include things your children have said and done and screenshots of texts. Include all police and ss contact and responses. If you email your MP keep the email short just tell them about the number and type of abuse incidents and the length of time it's gone on, also police ss inaction. Attach the a copy of the diary.

Oh, and make sure the MP knows you're pregnant.

Thanks all. I will definitely be writing to my MP. I think what goes in my favour was that this won't be the first time I've wrote to her about my situation or the abuse.
Some years ago I wrote expressing my concerns over the 50/50 and no maintenance. I explained that the boys and I had to share a bed for six months until I had saved to by them a bunk bed, that I wasn't really eating much and switching off the heating in the weeks they were back with their dad to save on bills. I was lucky in that we had been donated some clothes, basic items and toys from a local church charity. At the time I was in a privately rented two-bed also, literally having to scrub the mould off the walls every week (at the time I left my ex I was only working 3 hrs p/w as my youngest was just 3).
She did write back to say she had passed on my letter to the relevant party but that was about as far as it went.

OP wishing you strength.

Good luck with your next steps RainMinusBow you are such an amazing, loving Mum.

Hope everything goes really well. Please do everything that makes sense for you, and know that I'm cheering for you all the way through this. Do take or leave any of my previous random comments on here if makes no sense whatsoever for your situation.
Very sorry Italiangreyhound to misinterpret you.

If I was writing to my MP I'd highlight that coercive control is now a crime and link to articles about that. Then explain that the police aren't fulfilling their duty to investigate this crime. I'd also try to find an article that discussed how police are failing DV victims in general so the MP sees this is part of a bigger picture of DV being minimised or ignored.

As well as the personal info, of course.

If you are on a Twitter it might be worth tweeting someone like Sarah Phillimore, she’s a family lawyer and has been known to hang about on Mumsnet. Her handle is @SVPhillimore

I'm hoping there is a professional on here that can help you.. I do feel utter despair for you OP..

Would it help if rain posted a link to this thread in the legal section?

I kept checking the dates as I was sure I had read this before. I was so hoping this is a troll so that it isn't a second woman going through the exact same thing or you are going through it it twice. I know you are telling the truth and it is heartbreaking, frustrating and exhausting to read.

Re the police, I found that when they weren't working at an acceptable rate that going down the official complaint route got things moving .

Kept fighting for the boy that is deep inside and who you know is there. Let me tell you from experience that when your parent gives up on you it is hard to get over. My crime? Being born from my fathers point of view and being a girl from my mothers.

Everyone has said it but make sure you write everything down. Every time he is a twat. Every time your child says or does anything negative. Every time they do something good, especially when it shows your parenting in a good light. Every time the police say they can't help. Every time you are told someone will help and doesn't. Document everything as sadly you will need it.

Good luck with the baby and stay strong.

I think there is something in the way your ex is hyping up DS' fears about Covid that is abusive in itself. Most parents are trying to reassure their DC that although the situation is serious, we are all doing our very best to try to manage and minimise the risk. Your ex seems to be delighting in putting the fear of God into him and making him fearful.

Would he be open to a rational conversation about steps midwives will have taken to prevent transmission, that the whole idea of lockdown is so that it isn't circulating in the community, so that when there is contact, the risks are lowered, the fact your parents will not have been exposed etc? The government aim is not to reduce infections to nil, as that is not achievable, but to make them manageable, and also how it doesn't appear to impact on children as badly?